The economics of adoption

With all of the talk about national economics and the current state of affairs in our country, families who adopt have to consider what it will cost to adopt. In addition, birth parents tend to place (in most cases) because of family economics. With so many families losing their homes, jobs in jeopardy, and an uncertain future, how are families financing adoption? First of all, adoption doesn't have to break the bank. While there are agencies who charge the price of a new Mercedes, they aren't the only option. Adoption can be affordable. Adoption can generally be done (for most families) for just a few thousand dollars out of pocket.

In some states, there is a state adoption credit. Missouri is a good example, allowing up to 5K to be refunded to MO residents who have completed an adoption. The Federal tax credit for adoption is now at $11,700.00 and may go up to 15K. Many large companies and a few small ones are offering adoption benefits as well. A lot of the time, you may have adoption benefits, but don't know until you contact your company. They may not publicize it simply because there aren't that many people in one company interested and so they expect that you will check if you want to access them. So, be sure to talk to your human resources and benefits people to find out. Even with all of those incentives and benefits available, the money for adoption -- home study fees, advertising fees, legal fees, etc. -- has to be expended when you are actually in the adoption process and then you recover the money later on after you have finalized. So, if you have to rob the piggy bank, at least you can return most of that to your savings at a later time.

If you don't have savings and are just trying to pull together enough to adopt, some of my clients have used some ingenious ways to fund their adoptions. One family got their whole family together and asked them to donate whatever they didn't want (a garage sale of sorts) to be posted on e-bay and sold toward the cost of their adoption. Their family and extended family got very excited about being able to help and they raised $7,000.00 toward their adoption goal! In another family, the man who would be grandpa wanted to help not only his daughter and her husband to adopt, but wanted to help himself become a "papa". He was a talented candy maker, so he made batches of his wonderful candy to sell at various functions and at Christmas and helped them fund their adoption. Can you imagine that story being told to his little granddaughter year after year at Christmas? It's truly a Christmas story in itself -- about how grandpa wanted his little granddaughter so much that he made sweets so he could have a sweetie! Another family held garage sales, opened an "adoption account" and told family members..."For our birthdays and Christmas, all we really want is a child, so if you feel that you want to give us something, contribute to our adoption savings". It wasn't long before they had enough to complete their adoption.

Last year and before, with interest rates going down, many families re-financed their home and took equity out. I'm not sure that would be feasible at this point, since most of us have lost a great deal of the equity previously stored in our homes. That will all come back at some point, but for now, refinancing may not be an option, although it's worth looking into. If you want to adopt, get creative and you can find a way to generate the funds. When we want something badly, we generally find a way to get it, so get creative and use your talents. I remember another family who made their own Christmas ornaments and sold them on line. If you are crafty, that is something that can be turned into adoption funds. Church communities have pulled together as well to help their own parishoners to adopt. In talking to your church, remind them that "it takes a village" and that adopted child will have more Godparents than they can count!

Birth parents generally place a baby for adoption because of the lack of funds to raise a child. It's becoming harder and harder, in the current economy, for two-income families to earn enough to raise a child, so it's no wonder that single moms are having a tougher time and may have to make decisions based on economics. The worse the economy gets, it would seem the more placements may happen. At least that is a reasonable assumption. Only time will tell if that is true, but I believe the more our economy slumps, the more difficult it will be for those who are living paycheck to paycheck to make ends meet, forcing some who have experienced an unplanned pregnancy to consider adoption. At least I hope they consider adoption before abortion. Even in these hard economic times, the birth of any child is still a blessing.

Waiting to Adopt

Waiting to adopt is always the hardest part of the process. It's nearly the end of a very long and arduous journey. First, there are attempts to become pregnant. When that isn't successful, there are doctor visits, treatments, sometimes surgeries, injections, calendars and charts, sperm counts and ovarian scans, in vitro and GIFT and a whole host of procedures. That can go on for months and sometimes years. When all that fails, there is a grief process. You grieve over the loss of a baby that never was or you grieve over the loss of a baby who wasn't able to be born. You grieve your future and you curse your past. When the grief cycle is complete, you come out of it with a new understanding. You realize that it's more important for you to be a parent than the method in which it happens. When you come to that point, the journey of adoption begins.

You fill out paperwork for a home study, jump through all the hoops, get the needed letters of reference, meet with the social worker and bare your souls. You wonder why you have to "prove" you'll be a good parent and "qualify" for parenthood, when others don't have to simply because they can procreate. You begin to navigate the seemingly endless options and compare apples to oranges and wonder why it's so complex. You make decisions about what route to take, what road to choose. You hope it's the right one. You are anxious, nervous about the future, scared to proceed, but terrified not to.

Once you choose the agency/attorney/facilitator who will help you find that missing piece in your family puzzle, you put together a profile (no small task) and you submit yet more paperwork. And then you wait. And wait. A day seems like an eternity...and a month is more than you can bear. And then someone invites you to a baby shower and you lose it. Or a relative announces with glee that there's a baby on the way and they have no idea that it kills you inside each time it's happening for someone else. You think it will never happen for you. But, if you persevere, it will happen. The waiting, no matter how short or long it takes, is too long. You wanted a baby before you began the process. There is no real time frame. Sure, you can get averages and estimates...but it's all up to one birth mother who will eventually choose you...and who knows where she is or when she'll get here! So you wait.

Waiting does different things to different people. It's a difficult time and some handle it with quiet grace suffering silently and others are outwardly vocal and get upset easily. Sometimes it's easy to blame someone -- anyone -- for the baby who hasn't come yet. Sometimes it causes friction with your spouse (How could he possibly understand? He's a man!). It's all normal, but never easy to endure. These are your labor pains. This is what it takes to get to your goal. It will all be worth it in the end, I assure you. Even if you have a failure before you have a success, it will be worth it. The baby who was meant to be in your arms from the beginning of time will find you. Then, you will understand what the wait was all about. He or she wasn't here yet! And that one baby is the perfect one for you. I've heard it dozens of times. Perhaps this is the way we come to appreciate our children (and in about 13 years you may not be so appreciative!).

At any rate, look at the wait as time to get ready (as if anything can really prepare you for the real thing!). Read child care books. Take infant CPR classes. Get sleep and take bubble baths. Do some nesting and clean out all of your closets and donate needless items to make room for everything that comes with a baby. Keep yourself busy. Network with other adoptive parents who will empathize and share your journey. It's always easier to walk with a friend. The time will pass more quickly that way and one day you'll get that all important call. Then, your days (and nights) of sleep are over and you'll look back and wonder what you did with all of that free time. Once your world changes with the addition of a baby, you will hardly remember your past life. Adoptive parents are some of the best parents I know. This is because they appreciate what they've been through to achieve this goal of parenthood -- and they wouldn't trade the ride for anything. One of my adoptive parents (you know who you are, Annie) said "I give thanks to God every day for my infertility. If it wasn't for that, I wouldn't have THESE boys, who are my heart and soul". Amen.

Hurricane Ike, Take a Hike!

Tomorrow at dawn, we'll learn the fate of Galveston and Houston after Hurricane Ike. All of Galveston and part of Houston were under evacuation orders tonight. Thousands of people opted to "ride out" the storm. With a storm surge of 20 feet predicted, the thought seems preposterous, and yet over a third of the population of Galveston opted to stay put, despite being told there would likely be loss of life. One officer was telling those who opted to stay to write their social security number in indelible ink on their forearms so that they could be identified later. That would be enough to convince most people with more than six brain cells that it was time to go. I can't fathom why anyone would opt to risk life and limb, never mind their children and pets, to make a stand and defend the mobile home or house. I'm not sure what they think they'll do when their house starts to fill up with water and the streets are so flooded that emergency workers can't get there, and won't, until the storm lets up. I hope that it's not nearly as horrible as predicted, but it seems inevitable. Houston City officials are already predicting over 11 billion (with a b!) in damage. Shame on those who left their pets behind. The videos of dogs standing chest deep in water while locked inside a fence in the back yards of abandoned homes makes me ill. There is a special place in, well you know, for people who do that. Just say a prayer for everyone and every animal in Southeast Texas. Ike isn't showing any mercy.

Legacies Lost

September 11, 2001 is one of those days that people look back on and remember where they were, what they were doing, and almost like a movie playing in their minds, they remember what was said to them and how they felt when realization set in, even though it was so surreal. It doesn't seem like seven years ago. It seems like yesterday. Many of us watched the memorials on television and perhaps even participated in our own community remembrances. I found myself wondering about the babies left behind by everyone who died. Children of every age had parents and grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins in the buildings that fell. Babies were born after their fathers perished. It's amazing how -- in a couple of fleeting moments -- not only was history changed, but the lives and legacies of over 2,700 people were forever altered. What if? What if they had lived? There were people from 96 different countries and territories who died. How has their passing changed the course of history? We'll never know, but I'm certain that much more than lives was lost that day. Important discoveries weren't made. Children weren't raised with both parents. Someone who was lost forever didn't go home and didn't meet the person they would eventually marry. Their children never existed. Some of them were unable to donate an organ and someone who needed an organ didn't get one and lost their life too. A few books weren't written. Many heirlooms weren't passed down to a younger generation. Many who died weren't there for a graduation, a wedding, a bar mitzvah, a funeral, or to coach a daughter through a difficult childbirth. Speeches went unsaid, songs went unsung, and letters went unwritten. Someone's dog wondered where they were. Someone's child is still wondering. Like the footprints of the twin towers, we all leave a footprint. Some are bigger than others, but we all leave our mark. What would happen if you didn't come home? What wouldn't happen? It would be a fitting tribute to all who died that day if, in their memory, we made bigger footprints -- worked harder, played nicer, loved better -- if we cherished the time we have and didn't waste a moment -- if we apoligized more and complained less, because after all...we still have the ability to tell our loved ones how we feel and what they mean to us. I'm sure all of those people in the twin towers would cherish one last moment to do that. What would happen if...?

Politics and Pregnancy

I don't generally talk politics, since most political discussions are arguments waiting to happen. However, on the day that Sarah Palin, the woman who may be the next Vice-President, is set to talk at the Republican National Convention, I am making an exception. I, like many others in this country, didn't know much about Sarah Palin when John McCain named her as his running mate. I had read about her pregnancy and her child who has Down's Syndrome, and her winner-take-all politics in Alaska, but I confess to not having given her much of a thought. All that has changed now and I have been reading all I can about the woman who could be "a heartbeat away" from the Presidency. I have found her to be vibrant, spunky, very interesting, and worthy of consideration. The women of this country make up just over half of the registered voters. If all of us voted en bloc we would be unbeatable. Girl power! That won't happen, of course. I can only hope that women will consider other women when they vote. I am talking about unborn women. Virtually half of all aborted babies would eventually become women. In our country, they don't have rights until they come out kicking and screaming. Of course, if someone kills a pregnant woman and her baby dies with her, then there are two counts of murder. How can you have a second count of murder when the baby isn't a life? Our society has double standards. If you want your baby and it's killed, it's murder. If you don't want your baby and it's killed, it's "choice".

I do respect a woman's right to choose. She should have a right to choose when she has sexual relations and with whom. She has a right to choose to use birth control or not to use birth control methods. If she becomes pregnant despite (or in spite of) these choices, she has a choice to raise her child, have family raise her child, or place her child for adoption. I don't think compounding an already complex and difficult situation with the loss of a life is a viable choice. I remember seeing a bumper sticker about abortion. It said, "Abortion - one dead - one wounded". I've never read a more true statement. A woman who has endured an abortion, even "by choice", suffers in many ways for the rest of her life, no matter what she believes will occur in the after-life.

Now that Governor Palin has revealed that her 17-year-old daughter is five months pregnant, critics are coming out of the woodwork. I have parented two children (with one yet to go) who were 17 at one time. I'm not sure that anyone can cast stones if they are living in modern times. I haven't met the parents who are with their children (and what if there are more than one?) 24/7. We all teach our children our values and hope that they have learned from us. But who among us has never made a mistake or done something that could have conceivably gotten us into trouble? It happens. It happens in good families. The Kennedy family, long known as the U.S. version of royalty, didn't live in Camelot. Their children had issues with drugs, rape, suicide, drunk driving, and even murder. They weren't perfect. We revered them as if they were -- but they weren't. The fact that Sarah Palin and her husband have embraced their daughter and accepted what has happened with grace and fortitude is a sign of strength and commitment. The situation is far from ideal for them and I would wager that they didn't hope to make this announcement, whether during the Republican National Convention or not. But, they are dealing with it and supporting their daughter. They didn't, as a family, sweep it under the rug and rush her off to an abortion clinic to get rid of the problem. That would have been the easy way out, especially for a woman who could be President some day. Instead, Sarah Palin is practicing what she preaches. As a family, they have opted to respect life. I'm sure they explored the the option of adoption with their daughter, but the choice was made for her to parent this baby. I respect that. While some criticize Governor Palin's policy of promoting abstinence, I think she can have it both ways. I think she can promote abstinence and promote life at the same time. I have no doubt, her daughter knows about birth control and protection (What 17 year old in the USA is that oblivious with information everywhere?). She's a teenager and likely impulsive, and she failed. It happens. The fact that she's not compounding an unplanned pregnancy with an abortion is admirable. Sarah Palin herself opted to carry a baby with Down's Syndrome to term. She is not a pro-life mouthpiece. She is living her belief.

John McCain is pro-life. He also practices what he preaches. Many have criticized him for his wealth. So he married a woman with money! Just because they have wealth, doesn't mean they don't have core values. She has voluteered and contributed to many worthy causes and it's hard to find something negative to say about what she does for others. She has set up philanthropic foundations and is active in children's and women's health issues. While in Bangladesh, she met Mother Theresa and heeded the call to "help this little one" and brought two special-needs orphans to the United States. The McCains adopted one child and their friends adopted the other. I don't believe their critics have adopted. If they had, they would know the real value of life and of nurturing a child who needs a home.

In our world today, too many people take life for granted. Too many don't view life as having the value that it should. In some countries, little girls are abandoned and thrown away simply because they are female. In some cultures, it is an "honor" to commit suicide while killing others -- all in the name of God or Allah or whatever they choose to call our higher power. If we don't respect life at a very basic level and we don't teach our children that life begins once two cells combine and begin multiplying into what will result (barring interruption) in a human being, we can't expect that our lives or the lives of our children will be respected. As a society, we have become so callous toward death and violence on the movie screen and so indifferent towards children being abused that we are creating our own criminals with no conscience. We are disgusted by those who would take the lives of our loved ones with disregard, but they have not been taught to respect life. It does take a village.

John McCain and Sarah Palin are not perfect. I think it would be unreasonable to expect them to be. I do think, however, that they are honorable people who want the best for their families and their nation. The fact that they are willing to stake their political careers on their beliefs and fight for the unborn is honorable. I will not criticize their opponents, as I think that they mean well also. However, for those of us who feel that life is still precious and fragile and worth saving, there isn't a question about where to place our mark on the ballot.