Adoption - A Labor of Love

"Planned" Parenthood

2012-01-20T14:25:00.000-08:00

I am always stunned by the notion that abortion is safe and that women are better for having the "right" to do it. Abortion is detrimental to women in so many ways. If a woman physically survives the abortion of her baby, she then has to live with the emotional scars it leaves. Whether a woman is affected immediately or later on, when she has children and realizes that one of them has died at her hands, she suffers emotional trauma. While a few men experience the trauma of losing a child, they don't ever have the guilt that comes from knowing they have actually done it themselves. I've counseled women in the past who have stated that they can never forgive themselves after years of anxiety about going through with an abortion. That is a heavy price to pay.

The Journal Lancet recently published a study on abortion and shared the following facts; Abortion rates are lower in Western Europe, where 12 of every 1,000 pregnancies are aborted, in contrast to the United States, where 19 of every 1,000 pregnancies are aborted. Globally, the rate is 28 out of every 1,000 babies die of abortion. Nearly 50,000 women a year die from complications of abortion. That seems like an outrageous number until you realize that nearly 45 MILLION babies are aborted annually. The fact is, there are no safe abortions. Abortion risks the life of the mother and takes the life of a child. Planned Parenthood talks about the "products of conception" or "pregnancy tissue", rather than using the term "baby" or "life", when in fact, there is a life in there. There is a beating heart. And recently, children as early as 24 weeks have survived with minor complications, when they could legally be aborted at that stage. In my opinion, that is just disgusting. I'm all about birth control and planned pregnancies. But when that goes awry, a life is created and should be nurtured. There is no shame in not being able to parent at any given time. Turn a negative situation into a positive gift. Give life, then give the gift of a lifetime to someone who really wants a family and has the ability to parent.

BOOK REVIEW

2012-01-04T16:11:00.000-08:00

Adoptive parents want to be able to share their child's adoption story in a way that isn't traumatic or sensationalistic. Using a book or two to open the conversation and plant the seed so that they can explain their own child's presence in their family and how they got there is one of the ways to do that. Very young children can grasp the concept when told in simple terms how they became a part of their family. "Tell Me Again About the Night I Was Born" by Jamie Lee Curtis opens the door to discussion about adoption and how it came to be. It talks about the phone call, the excitement, the plane flight, the hospital, and many firsts. It provides an opportunity to talk about each of the aspects of that exciting time with the child and to provide the details of his or her specific birth and adoption. It should be a part of every adopted child's library and can be purchased through Amazon.com on this site. Along those lines, we will have another story book coming out very soon that deals with the same topic in poem form, with an animal perspective. I would love to hear if anyone has books that they recommend to help a child adapt to the concept of adoption. A child should never be able to say "I was told I was adopted when I was (a certain age) ...", citing the precise moment they found out. They should be able to say that they have always known they were adopted for as long as they could remember.

Adoption Services or Baby Selling?

2011-09-20T14:15:00.000-07:00

As an adoption professional, we network with other adoption facilitators, agencies, and attorneys in order to locate families or birth mothers for specific situations. With the recent rise in abortion rates and drop in the national birth rate, there have been fewer situations overall for everyone. I think that is responsible for some desperation in the adoption world. Lately, I have been stunned at some of the e-mails that have arrived in my in box. Typically, the birth mothers have their choice of families (as it should be), but a recent e-mail outlined a situation with an agency in which a Caucasian baby boy was being placed for adoption. After a mind-boggling list of exorbitant expenses, the child could be had for a mere $42,000.00. I am baffled. How is this not baby selling? Is it simply because an agency is offering the situation? The note insinuated that anyone interested and prepared to pay the fees could have the closed situation. Another e-mail offered a special needs baby for a fee of $32,000.00. Since when did we put a price tag on infants? While I am well aware that there are legitimate expenses including agency expenses and fees, and some potential birth mother expenses (none of those fees were for medical, by the way), these fees are way out of the ballpark. In the past, we have charged zero for special needs situations, just as a means to find a good family for a hard to place infant. That someone would charge such obviously inflated fees to families willing to take on a challenge is amazing to me. Why does it seem that adoption has become so outrageously expensive? Every agency and facilitator I know is struggling with the downturn in the number of adoptions, but fees up into the 40K and 50K range that used to be unheard of are becoming all too common. We need to have some national adoption laws because leaving it up to the states has been a fiasco. Adoptive parents in Indiana don't have the same rights as adoptive parents in California, and birth mothers in Pennsylvania and Ohio aren't able to get the support that those in Nebraska or Missouri do. We won't even talk about birth father rights in Utah since they are basically non-existant. I think caps on the amounts that can be charged need to be in place, as well as some uniform laws about offering situations on line for specific fees. All agencies have or can locate families to adopt if fees are reasonable. There is no need for a baby to go to the highest bidder.

APGAR Scores - What are they?

2011-08-30T18:28:00.000-07:00

When a baby is born, there is an assessment made by the doctor or nurses attending the baby. A score is given for each of five categories to determine the health of the baby. Typically, the assessment is made right away and again five minutes later. So, you may see an APGAR score of 8/9, meaning the first and second assessment. The top APGAR score is a 10. Most babies don't achieve that on the first assessment, but if the scores are on the higher end, then things are looking good. Here is how APGARS are scored.

A = ACTIVITY (or muscle tone)
P = PULSE
G = GRIMACE (or reflex irritability/response)
A = APPEARANCE (or skin color)
R = RESPIRATION (breathing)

When assessing each category a score of 0, 1, or 2 is given, ie:

ACTIVITY - Absent = 0, Arms & Legs flexed = 1, and Active Movement = 2
PULSE - Absent = 0, Below 100 beats per minute (bpm) = 1, Above 100 bpm = 2
GRIMACE - No response = 0, Grimace = 1, Sneezes, coughs, or pulls away = 2
APPEARANCE - Blue/gray, pale all over = 0, Normal except for extremities = 1, Normal all over = 2
RESPIRATION - Absent = 0, Slow/irregular breathing = 1, Good breath, crying = 2

After a child is born and the nurse has taken the baby to the warmer or the nursery, these tests are performed and a score is assigned. If a child is born not breathing, he or she may have a very low APGAR at first. Once the baby has been resuscitated, the APGAR will be considerably better, although it may take more than 5 minutes for the baby to completely pink up and have good reflexes.

It is important for the caregivers to immediately assess the newborn in order to provide proper care and make sure that the baby is healthy and, if assistance is needed, provide breathing or other support. For adoptive parents, waiting in the hall or even if they are in the room during delivery, it may feel a little like looking into a fishbowl, from the outside looking in, and wondering what is going on. Now, when you hear what your baby's APGAR Score is, you'll know how to interpret it and why it's so important for the medical professionals to obtain it.

The Name Game Follow Up - Celebrity Babies

2011-07-11T14:51:00.000-07:00

David and Victoria Beckham had a baby today. She is the first girl after three boys, and many were waiting to hear what name the Spice Girl had bestowed upon her. It is spicy...Harper Seven Beckham. Seven is a curious middle name and after David Beckham had posted the name, comments ranged from "interesting" to "What were they thinking?". Seven isn't so bad. Seven was the number on Beckham's jersey when he played soccer in England. If they were merely considering it, perhaps the fact that she was born at 7:55 a.m. on 7-11-11 and weighed 7 lbs. 10 oz. helped take the name over the top! It does seem that seven is her lucky number.

Celebrities continue the trend of picking unique names for their little ones. That can be a double edged sword, but the Beckhams seem to have achieved uniqueness without getting too crazy with it. Kate Hudson had a baby boy as well. What will it be Kate? And speaking of Kate...bets are already being made on the name of the first royal baby born to William and Kate. Of course, with them, tradition will likely dictate that it will be named for a previous royal. There's no explaining the intense fascination with English royals here in the U.S. As we speak, William and Kate are touring Southern California and wowing the locals. The Royal Baby watch is on. What do you think of celebrity baby names?

There Is No Justice

2011-07-05T13:16:00.000-07:00

I want to believe that our justice system works. I really do. But I think that's just a fantasy we all believe in order to pass for a civilized society. O.J. taught us to doubt. Casey taught us that there is no justice. Jose Baez took the case for free to make a name for himself. He certainly did that. Who knew the name Jose Baez before this trial? Apparently it's all a game. In this game, Baez wins and a baby loses. Baez will go down in the judicial history books for being able to get a guilty client off free and clear. It doesn't seem to bother him that he is defending someone who patently lies and has no conscience. Casey didn't really win. She may be free to move about the country, but she will never be free of the stigma. At some point, karma will catch up with her. Her parents didn't win. They lost a granddaughter. If people stood outside their home with "baby killer" signs before, what happens now that Casey will likely be freed?

I asked my son what he thought of the announcement and what it taught him. He said, "It taught me that anyone can kill a child and lie and get away with it". If she was guilty of lying and they knew it, then how could her defense be believable? Three years and a tremendous amount of money and manpower wasted. Could the jury not see what the rest of the world saw? Or did they just want to get home after two months of being sequestered? After the verdict was read, Jose Baez stated that he was going to go home and tell his little daughter that he saved a life today. He did save the life of Casey Anthony. Too bad he wasn't there to save Caylee's life. After all, isn't his reputation for winning more important than the life of a child?

Racism In Adoption

2011-06-30T11:46:00.000-07:00

Today I want to share an article from a guest blogger, Jen Lane, who is both a biological and adoptive parent. She has adopted trans-racially and shares a unique perception about racism as it relates to adoption. I think Jen is insightful and knowledgeable in sharing her story.

"It wasn't until I brought home our most precious African American child five years ago, I realized...although slavery was abolished in 1863....racism still exists.

At the time, I lived in a city of over 100,000 people. I had been around diversity all my life. My best friend in elementary school was African American. My brothers best friends -- Indian. My best friend in High School -- Mexican. My entire life I have shared friendships with diverse people; Korean, Vietnamese, those of middle eastern decent, and many others.

My husband of nearly twenty years is Peruvian. And although I have blond hair, green eyes, and am from Norwegian decent, I never really witnessed many issues concerning ethnicity. Our biological children, who are bi-racial, were completely undaunted that they were a blend of two races while growing. If anything, they are now proud of their diversity.

But for some reason, it all changed when this fair-skinned mom in her 30's started carrying around our African American adopted daughter.

Looking at the contrast between my daughter and I, even the most ignorant stranger could conclude that I was not her biological mother. We are about as opposite in color as any two people could be. But yet, that didn't seem to matter. The attacks began from complete strangers:

Condemning looks.
Rolling eyes.
People scanning me up and down with a half upturned lip.
Clear disgust. Rude whispers. Comments.
Others standing over me, body hovering, trying to look (literally) down on me.
People staring me in my eyes the entire time I passed, without even a hint of a smile, as if to inflict some kind of shame or condemnation.
But, the worst? The invisible look. From afar, people would see me, but then as I approached, they would turn their heads up and away, brushing past me as if we did not exist.

At first, I was completely dumbfounded. I had been friendly, outgoing, quick to smile and engage in random conversations with strangers all my life. But now, I was no less than shocked and devastated. And to be honest, many days I would come home and sit in a heap and just weep at the cruelty of people. I just couldn't understand it.

But then, I started noticing patterns.

Older people seemed much more bothered by our diversity than younger people.
Men almost always ignored me or glared...especially older men. Women not as much.
African-American women were always friendly; smiling, stopping to chat, or just plain helpful.
In a major metropolitan city nearby, I rarely had issues.
In the small nearby farm towns, I almost always received degrading looks or comments.
How I dressed made a difference.
How I responded mattered.

And I began to realize...

People were being rude because it empowered them to feel entitled to make judgments.
Women who have biological children outside of their own race have to deal with this kind of condemnation everyday.
It was not just me they were condemning, but the color of the skin of my adopted child.
My daughter, sadly, will likely have to deal with people's bias, condemnation, judgments, & racism her entire life.
God did not give us a spirit of fear or intimidation..but one of power, love, and a sound mind.
My daughter was watching my response and would likely grow up to pattern how I interacted with strangers.
My job is to protect and defend my daughter. I needed to model maturity, confidence, and faith.
Again....How I respond mattered.

The biggest, most drastic thing that somehow shifted in me, was my thinking. Instead of getting defensive, depressed, or angry...I started to love and pray and seek God's counsel. He seemed to show me the hearts of my accusers and how low of self-worth they must have to want and need to play Messiah on behalf of me and my family. I began to ache for them, want to help them, and love them with a love beyond anything within myself.

I also knew that our daughter was and is a testimony. Our family was no accident and was put together by the hand of God. And God calls us to be confident in the things He calls us to do - in all things bringing glory to Him.

At first, I started dressing up more. For some reason, nicely dressed people are perceived more as adoptive parents. But then, I realized I can't be on defense...I must play offense...So...

Instead of walking with my head held down, I started standing straight, tall.
Instead of looking at the floor...I now keep my eyes up, vibrant, alive, engaging.
When people pass, I always smile; looking people straight in the eyes with love and acceptance.
If people seem to be curious as to our contrast, I engage in casual conversation opening up doors of communication and understanding.
Whenever possible, I share our testimony of adoption with hopes to plant seeds, inspire, and advocate for the orphan.
I stop when little kids stand and stare or touch my daughters skin, and talk to them about diversity and color. (Yes, even if the parents are present and especially if the parents display rejection of my daughter)
I see every opportunity as a chance to educate, and take it.
I try to love people and smile even more when they are rude or accusatory or just plain mean. Even though they still glare as I pass, I keep smiling and walking with my head held high and proud of our family. Love conquers all sin.
I teach my daughter about the differences of color, race...the beauty of all of God's creation.
I tell my daughter daily just how beautiful she is and that she is a princess of the Most High God.
I teach my daughter to never walk condemned, looking at the ground. And instead advise her to keep her head held high, looking people straight in the eyes, and answer others respectfully in a strong, confident, self-assured voice.

The onslaught of negative responses I received after adopting our African American child, I would have never expected before adopting. But, now I see that adopting trans-racially is no less than a valuable gift -- a walking billboard, if you will, that opens doors to advocate for adoption. It has a way of impacting thousands in our lifetime to a population that may not otherwise hear about how God can open homes and hearts to seeking families and, thus, fill hearts. I cannot say just how many times I have conversations with people "thinking" about adoption. Then, when they see our family or talk to us about the joys of adoption it becomes a confirmation to what God had been prompting them to do.

Trans-racial families are unique in that they are...

Testaments to the diversity and beauty of His creation.
An opportunity to demonstrate to the world His unconditional love.
A chance to share about diversity and adoption.
Walking poster boards of what love can do.

One day we will know just how many kids have been saved and brought into forever homes because our determination to use our family as a way to open doors to conversations about adoption. Each day we are thankful for the way He has created our family into such a beautiful palette of color for His splendor. And I know, without a doubt, that if I had to do it all over again, we wouldn't change a thing."

Visit Jen's blog site at http://richfaithrising.blogspot.com/

And thank you, Jen, for opening some eyes, and perhaps hearts, today.

Majority or Minority?

2011-06-27T14:45:00.000-07:00

The most recent census data has taught us a number of things about our country. In African-American homes, single mothers are now more common than married, two-parent households. Social order in America is changing. Two-parent married couples are no longer the norm for a lot of children, particularly those we have considered minority in the past. In the 2010 census, 12 states and the District of Columbia, the population of Caucasian children fell below 50%. Seven more states will soon flip as well. In older Americans, the population of Caucasian seniors ranges from 73% of those aged 45-64 (baby boom generation) to 80% of those over age 65 being Caucasian. Minority births are changing the demographics of the whole country. Multigenerational households are most common among Hispanics, where 1 out of 10 households include multiple generations. Same sex unmarried couples represent 1 out of 10 households where unmarried partners reside. There is a substantial decline in the traditional family of the past.

What does this mean for adoption? It means that as our population changes and Caucasian families become the minority, there will be more African American, Asian, and Hispanic children for adoption than Caucasian children. In black and Hispanic cultures, female heads of household make up nearly 1/4 of all homes, whereas in Caucasian and Asian households, 9% are headed by females. Currently, the overwhelming majority of those wishing to adopt are Caucasian. Because of the current trends, that means that there will be more trans-racial adoptions in the future. While it has often been maintained that the best home for a child is within it's own race, that "ideal" has become impossible to achieve as the dynamics change. Many trans-racial families are doing quite well, as racial acceptance is more common now than 50 years ago. Presumably, we will continue to erase racial barriers over time. For adoptive families, this means thinking about opening up to additional racial possibilities for your family as an option to waiting longer periods of time.

Adopt without Debt

2011-06-07T15:21:00.000-07:00

I haven't yet read this book, but I will. It's intriguing to say the least. Adoptive families have long struggled with the cost of adoption and, even though there is a refund later, gathering the funds to pay for the home study, advertising, agency, and attorney fees can be quite overwhelming. I would love to hear your comments if you've read this book, and also your suggestions about how you raised money for your adoption. One soon to be grandpa made some wonderful candy confections and sold them to raise money over Christmas. He helped his family to expand. Another family over at our agency in Missouri held a tattoo fundraiser. The tattoo artists donated their time to do small tattoos for free for anyone who wanted them. They were asked to make a donation of any amount to the adoptive family for their expenses. I have seen families set up a website and ask their friends and family to donate to their adoption fund in lieu of birthday or Christmas gifts. People are getting creative! Let us know how you found ways to fund your adoption. If you'd like to order this book, click the Amazon link to the right.

A Child Is Not A Social Experiment

2011-05-27T15:17:00.000-07:00

A Canadian family has sparked furious debate about a "social experiment" that they are doing in order to force society to comply with their wish that gender not be a consideration. Their four month old baby, Storm, is at the center of the controversy. Storm is, in all likelihood, a boy. No one, except immediate family members know, though, because they aren't telling. It strikes me that they quite possibly wanted a girl and are not satisfied, so they are improvising. They intend to raise Storm as neither male or female. If that's not a recipe for creating gender identity, then nothing is. God created us as male and female, in every species. Why, then, does this couple feel that there is something shameful about being a boy or a girl? And why should Storm bear the weight of their bad decisions? They want to use this child to try to educate the world. Actually, I think they need educating. Which bathroom is a child supposed to go to when they begin school or go to the park? Perhaps they will home school in order to maintain the secret. I think that doing this to a child and making the child the butt of jokes and the subject of endless gossip and intrigue is doing a grave disservice to the child. What will the results of this experiment be? Public ridicule, endless teasing, a lack of a sense of self-worth and belonging, and perhaps even a gender identity crisis. Do we need another Columbine to give us the results of this horrible social experiment? I think not. These parents need a reality check. Let the child be a child, whatever gender.

To view CNN's video on the subject, click the link below.

A Child Is Not A Social Experiment

Trends in Baby Names

2011-05-13T16:12:00.000-07:00

Every year, the Social Security Administration publishes the list of most popular baby names. This has particular interest to the families I work with. I think we need to shake up the list a little. For the past 12 years, Jacob has topped the list as the most popular name for boys. Isabella has been the most popular girls' name for the past two years running. I might have bought into that hype a little. When I found and adopted my little dog this past year, I did name her "Bella". For the first time since 1957, Elvis has left the building...um, the list. It has remained on the top 100 list for 55 straight years, which is astounding. I've never known an Elvis. The top names in 2010 are as follows;

Girls                                                  Boys

1. Isabella                                          1. Jacob
2. Sophia                                           2. Ethan
3. Emma    3. Michael
4. Olivia    4. Jayden
5. Ava 5. William

Not surprisingly, the names moving up fastest on the lists came from reality shows about teen moms. Maci and Bentley are moving up the list. The most popular girl names all end in the letter "a", indicating a trend toward feminine names. Remember a few years ago, there were many unisex names on both lists. Jayden, Hayden, Aiden, and Braden, are all on the boys' list -- a bit trendy too. Aiden makes the list three times with different spellings, so is more popular than it may seem.

Baby names tend to be cyclical. Michael and William are likely named after older relatives and they cycle through generations. A current trend in names is to be different and yet popular. That's a tough task. That may be why Aiden has so many spellings. I favor simple, easily spelled names that can't be shortened to nicknames. Of course, the best intentions don't always go as planned. I named my youngest son Dylan. That seems simple enough and went well with the names of his siblings, Ryan and Erin. Who knew everyone would try to spell it "Dillon", like Matt Dillon, the sheriff? When I chose the names of my children, there weren't too many with their names around, but it seems that simultaneously everyone had the same idea. My son, Ryan, had 5 other Ryans on his soccer team. It's a good thing he has an easy last name. With Erin, I thought of the Waltons and liked the Irish connection to match our Irish roots. I had never known another girl named Erin. But my daughter does. A bunch of them. Even our neighbor is Erin. So, in trying to be unique and yet not saddle a child with a name that everyone will get wrong, requiring the child to continually correct it, it becomes a balancing act and a difficult one at that.

Studies show that names make a difference in the classroom. Michaels or Deborahs tend to be favored by teachers over Freds or Beulahs. So, keep in mind when you are naming a child that there is more to it than just liking the name. Consider spelling, pronounciation, and popularity. That way, William and Ava won't have an uphill battle.

Choose Life

2011-05-03T22:09:00.000-07:00

Bravo to Texas lawmakers who have approved legislation authorizing “choose life” license plates. The plates will be sold to raise money to help pregnant mothers choose adoption over abortion. While critics may say it puts lawmakers on one side of the argument, that has been the case for the other side for years. I think anyone who is pro-choice should be glad that there is yet another choice and that choice may save a life. Also in Texas, a bill requiring a woman seeking an abortion to view sonogram images of her fetus at least 24 hours prior to a planned abortion tentatively passed the state Senate in a vote of 21-10. Informed consent is required in all surgeries, so why not abortion? A woman should know exactly what she is aborting. Planned Parenthood, the leading abortion provider in the country, doesn’t want her to see that her baby is not simply “pregnancy tissue” or “products of conception”. A beating heart tells a different story. Victims of rape and incest would not be required to view the sonogram if they opted not to. Watch for Planned Parenthood to fight this bill with whatever means they can. It can and will cut into their profits.

The Nebraska legislature is also taking some positive steps. A bill sponsored by Sen. Beau McCoy would exclude abortion coverage from all private insurance policies sold in that state. Those who wish to purchase abortion coverage would only be allowed to do so with an optional rider paid for solely by the insured. Lawmakers in Kansas are moving to do the same thing. It’s about time that taxpayers were taken off the hook for abortions that some of us don’t wish to fund. Five states already prohibit abortion coverage in basic policies. Those states are Missouri, Idaho, North Dakota, Oklahoma, and Kentucky. The Hippocratic oath that doctors take requires them to swear that they will “do no harm”. In the original Hippocratic oath, doctors were required to swear that “I will not give a woman a pessary to cause an abortion”. It seems that some don’t take their oath very seriously, so legislation may be the only way to protect the unborn.

Wearing Us Down

2011-04-27T16:38:00.000-07:00

The "medical" marijuana proponents are wearing us down. Our local city government is reporting that the medical marijuana dispute has been a major expenditure over the past year. Most of the people in our little bedroom community want nothing to do with "medical" marijuana and don't want "cooperatives" or head shops, as they used to be called, in our city. However, the very vocal minority, many of whom stand to make a profit on the sales of marijuana, are wearing us down. By costing the city money in repeated lawsuits, which have thus far failed, and constant barrages of requests to open store fronts for the sale and use of marijuana, they can effectively wear down the opposition to the point where it's no longer feasible to fight it. So, eventually our city (and others) will have to give in and get on with it. What do we get once the "medical" marijuana store fronts open? We get armed guards and bars on the windows. We're told by the proponents that by beefing up security, they are keeping us safe. Safe from what? From those who want the drugs. There will be break ins, burglaries, thefts, etc. Several local cities including Murrieta have been successful in their efforts to keep them out. In Lake Elsinore, one local shop owner was recently arrested for illegal sales after closing his shop. On the same street, new outlets have sprung up one right after the other. It seems to be getting out of hand. They proliferate and the street becomes a haven for illicit activity.

A year or so ago, I had to fight to keep a medical marijuana "clinic" from opening up next to my business. How appropriate is it to put a medical marijuana collective in a complex which houses a child psychologist, an optometrist, a dentist, and an adoption service? That seems a little careless to me. Mind boggling. We were told that during the day there would be an armed guard. Armed. That means when the bullets start flying, they are going to come right through the walls and into my office. My son home schools here. My staff is here. Occasionally clients come in with their babies. On top of that, we were told that there would be bars on their windows to keep people from breaking in. They owners claimed it would be a quiet, safe business. Right. Why do you need bars on the windows? Pray tell, what will happen when they can't get into your business to get the drugs and money you have stashed there? They will break into MY business and go through the wall. Thanks again.

In Los Angeles, there have been a number of deaths related to armed robberies at medical marijuana outlets. In one week, three people were killed over the drugs. L.A. has started trying to reduce the number of facilities allowed, due to the number of incidents and crime they generate. In one instance, undercover officers kept one facility under surveillance and found that people who were not medical patients were buying pot and going down the street to the local park and selling it to the kids. Is this really what we want in our community? Don't we have enough to deal with? Why do you think some people are fighting so hard to get them opened? Greed. Lots of money to be made there. I wonder if they pay their fair share of taxes? My guess is no.

I do not dispute that marijuana may be beneficial to patients who don't seem to get relief any other way. However, if that's the case, dispense it out of the pharmacy like every other legitimate drug and don't let wayward souls go out and market it to make a profit. We don't need to make a profit on our sick. Those who want to should be discouraged from doing so. Aside from that, store fronts are an ideal front for those who want to buy and sell pot openly. Don't argue that the people with prescriptions are all sick, because they aren't. If you go to the cooperatives' websites, you can find a list of doctors who will give you the Rx just for showing up and paying the fee. That's where the argument for sick people ends for me. Unfortunately, the bad guys are looking for a way to sell their dope and they don't care about those who are really and truly sick. I'm not willing to sell my community down the river for the sake of a few people who could get their medicine in a pharmacy like everyone else. If they could do that, there wouldn't be a need for pot outlets. Let's make THAT the law.

We tell our children not to do drugs. We try to set a good example. Research has shown pot to be a "gateway" drug. Not everyone who smokes pot goes on to do other drugs. However, virtually everyone who goes on to do harder drugs has begun the process with marijuana. How do you tell teens not to smoke pot if you say it's okay for people to buy it down the street? It sends mixed messages.

I won't even get into the argument about people using pot and driving. I've heard all the rebuttals to that about drunk drivers. I don't want either of them out on the road. I have personal experience with a drunk driver who injured and very nearly killed some of my family. While my brother's neck and leg were broken and my sister in law was knocked unconscious and hit the steering wheel while pregnant with my nephew...the drunk driver walked away with his two front teeth knocked out. He was so drunk, he wasn't even aware. No, I don't want any impaired drivers on the road. Another argument against medical marijuana collectives.

They may wear us down and they may find a legal way to operate, but we all know it's a front for illegal activity. It seems like the only people who have rights are the ones trying to skirt the laws. If you are a law-abiding citizen who wants the children safe and the best for your community, you take a back seat to those who feel that their rights are being violated by not being able to sell their pot openly and for a profit.
They are a vocal bunch.

Hollywood Train Wrecks

2011-04-25T15:12:00.000-07:00

We all know that Lindsay Lohan is a train wreck. It's hard to imagine that time after time, judges let her slide. In the recent jewelry theft case, had anyone else walked out of a jewelry store with a necklace -- any necklace, let alone one reportedly worth $2,500.00, they would have been immediately arrested. In this case, it took months and even then, the crime was reduced to a misdemeanor, usually reserved for lower value items. She's been in front of four judges in the past year. This girl is literally crying out for help and attention and no one is really paying any attention at all. It won't be surprising when she joins the list of Hollywood statistics who die of drug overdoses or reckless behavior. After her day in court, once again, on Friday, she was sent to, and then immediately bailed out of, jail. The defense is already filing an appeal. Ironically, the prosecution is considering appealing the ruling as well. The prosecution felt that there "was a clear abuse of discretion" on the part of the judge. I feel the same way. Why is it that high profile people seem to get away with things the rest of society doesn't? And why should they? We won't even talk about Charlie Sheen. In the past, prison overcrowding has been the reason that Lindsay was released way early. She didn't learn her lesson then and she's not likely to learn it now. She is still crying out for someone to notice her pain and get her some help. She is misguided, misdirected, and misunderstood. Maybe people like Lindsay should feel the pinch where it hurts - in their pocketbook. Maybe that would make her sit up and take notice. In this age of entitlement, why not levy fines that will help the system ease the overcrowding situations? OJ, Charlie, Lindsay, Paris...they all abuse(d) the system and could contribute enough to make a difference. Let's start hitting these people who have more money than common sense with hefty fines that can actually go to good use -- drug and alcohol treatment programs, additional prison facilities, and victim's rights funding. They aren't going to do jail time anyway, and just maybe something good could come from all of these sad situations. Judges, what do you say?

Alcohol, Drugs, Pregnancy & Teens

2011-04-06T15:38:00.000-07:00

The partnership at Drugfree.org and MetLife Foundation has released a new study that revealed some shocking news about today's teens and their thoughts about alcohol. Underage drinking has become the norm and teens seem to have access to all the alcohol they wish to consume. The attitudes of the current generation are much different from those in the past. Today's teens see no harm in consuming five drinks a day. 68% of teens surveyed said they had consumed alcohol, and a quarter of those said they had their first drink at the age of 12 or even younger. Top reasons for drinking included "so they won't feel left out" and "because it's fun". Teen drinking sets up a whole domino effect of problems. A child who is 13 or 14 may have no concept of the danger it poses, from alcohol poisoning, to vulnerability to rape or molestation, to any number of dangerous positions they may land in, with no ability to fend for themselves. They don't believe it will happen to them or that their judgment will be impaired. They feel invincible. They feel they can handle it.

Local teens have mentioned to me that it's easy to obtain alcohol or drugs at school and kids are actually doing those things on campus during the school day. 25% of the teens surveyed in the study stated that they had smoked marijuana in the past month. This is a trend that is significant because for a decade, there were declines in the use of pot among teens. Now that has turned around and use is increasing. Small wonder, when "medical" marijuana co-ops are springing up everywhere. Kids know it's just a front for sales. If adults can do it, why can't they? Ecstacy abuse has also increased dramatically, up 67% according to the study. Often when I hear from birth mothers planning an adoption, they state that they were "at a party", "at a bar", or "drinking" when they became pregnant. Sometimes they don't know how it happened or who they were with because there were many people at the party. Obviously, if they weren't drinking, they would have had better control of the situation and themselves. Putting themselves in a vulnerable position may result in pregnancy, but could result in much worse.

While parents feel powerless to stop the behavior, teens are seeing little risk in regular use of alcohol and drugs, and are increasingly trying and using them. They see it as no big deal. As our nation slips further and further down the list of those leading in education and technology, the next generation is medicating themselves into apathy. So for those who are worried about the current job situation -- consider going into alcohol and drug counseling and rehab services. We're going to need you. Just ask Charlie Sheen.

A Good Question

2011-03-30T15:50:00.000-07:00

A few years ago, at one of our seminars, a potential adoptive father came up to me after the seminar to ask a question. He was a little self-conscious and didn't want anyone to hear. He quietly asked, "What happens if I can't bond with an adopted child like I would a biological child?". That's a question I think a lot of adoptive parents want to ask, but don't. I began to ask him some questions. "Why do you think that being related biologically guarantees a bond?" You hear about some women who give birth and have post-partum depression and they don't bond easily or quickly with their newborn. He stated that he wasn't sure he could love the baby "as much" as he would if the baby was "his". I asked him if he loved his wife. He said, "Of course!" as if he was shocked that I would ask him that question. I looked had him quizzically and asked, "Are you to biologically related?" He began to see where I was going with that line of reasoning...and replied "No!" with a wide smile. "So, you can love someone who not biologically related to you?", I asked. He stated that he could.

Perhaps a year later, I got a call from him while he and his wife were sitting in a hotel room with their newborn son. They were anxious to share the news that everything had gone beautifully and the baby was now theirs and they were just awaiting ICPC clearances to go home. I took the opportunity to ask him if he thought the bonding was going well. There was a pause on the other end of the line. He took a deep breath and very tearfully said, "I'm here to tell you that I can bond with an adopted child He's 100% my son". I told him I knew that. He stated that he didn't know why he ever doubted it. He told me that within a few minutes of holding his new son, he would have laid down his life for him. That's how parents feel. All parents, not just biologically-related parents, but adoptive parents too.

Adoption, Karma, and Realistic Expectations

2011-03-29T16:04:00.000-07:00

Often times, when I meet people, they say, "Oh you must have the most rewarding job!". While it definitely is sometimes (can't beat the feeling of seeing a new family born), it can also be emotionally charged and, sometimes, downright brutal. Over the years, I've developed a patience I didn't previously possess. Now, if only I could develop a thicker skin. I have always prided myself in going above and beyond the norm. I have helped families adopt who were turned down everywhere else. Early on in my career, I took particular delight in matching a family in which the father was blind. Imagine that, when I profiled them to the birth mother, she stated "I want them!" as soon as the information left my mouth. I was thrilled, but asked her "Why was that so instantaneous?" Her response was, "My uncle is blind and he's the greatest dad ever and I couldn't imagine my cousins without him". I learned then that no matter the situation, there is generally a match out there somewhere. You just have to keep trying and be positive and share information with the birth mom, who will always surprise you with who she chooses and why. So, whether it is God (I'd like to be His instrument) or the birth mom, it's not me or someone on my staff who decides who gets which baby. I wouldn't want that job because while one family is very happy, many others are sad (and sometimes angry) that they weren't chosen. Some folks think that if they don't get matched in any particular situation, it has to be someone's fault. I think it's more related to God, the universe, and their own profiling prowess.

Sometimes my job is quite a challenge. We have families of all sorts -- single women, married couples, and same-sex couples, of all races and religions. So how is a family matched? When a birth mother calls, she already has in mind what she is looking for. She lets us know if she has a religious preference, a location preference, a family or lifestyle preference, and siblings factor in too. Adoptive families have their own requests with the same criteria and more. How do they feel about special needs, alcohol or drug abuse, location of their birth mom, racial issues, etc. Any specifics narrow the playing field. It's a little like threading a needle when someone is very specific (on either side). When a family says "We have to have a caucasian female", they don't realize that while we can do that, we have no control over when that birth mother who knows she is carrying a female (or male) will show up. Then, her criteria has to match theirs. Only a small percentage of birth mothers are going to fit into that category when they are matching. That may be threading a needle, but it can be done.

It's when there is a lot more to consider that it gets tricky. For instance, it has to be a Caucasian girl child, it has to be someone with no expenses due to finances, it has to be a birth mom who will consider an older family with an nearly adult biological child, and last but not least, the situation has to be nearby because there is a fear of flying. Most of our adoptive families would go to the ends of the earth to get their child (and plenty do when they go to China, Ethiopia, or Russia, to name a few). But, take into consideration that when all of those restrictions are in play, how do you find a birth mom who meets all the criteria and will then choose the family in question over anyone else? Now you see our dilemma. It becomes more like threading a needle in a haystack in a blizzard!

I wish I could get across the point that when something doesn't happen right away or even over a longer period of time, it's not up to us, so it's not our fault. We're not the enemy. I think people can get defensive and feel rejected when a birth mother doesn't choose them. But what about when they do? What happens if the family goes there and the birth family doesn't like them or is turned off by their behavior? Then it fails and we lose a birth mother who has no confidence that we can provide a suitable family for her. So, this is why you will sometimes see me pulling my hair out.

The fact is, much of the time when families are not chosen, there are many factors that contribute. How is their profile? Do they take the advice we offer to improve it? I am often questioned about the possibility of adoption in an "older" couple. We've been able to assist many older couples to adopt (from 40's to 50's and even a couple of families in their early 60's). How did they get matched? It's not about chronological age as much as it's about youthful appearance. A couple in their 50's wearing up to date styles and taking care with appearance (no gray roots showing, ladies! Loreal is our best friend!) might do better in profile than a couple in their late 30's who look a little frumpy and don't take particular care with styles or appearance or how they put together their profile (pictures from the 80's are probably best left in the 80's). It's just that simple, believe it or not.

After all of these years doing adoptions, I've come to believe a number of things. First, what you put out in the universe (karma) comes back to you. If you are negative and centered on your own needs, you don't see what other people see. If you are positive and outgoing, vibrant and excited, birth mothers (and others) are attracted to you. Secondly, the baby that is meant to be in your family will find you. We can't make anything work that isn't meant to be. On the other hand, we can't screw up what is meant to be. So many of our families will tell you that the baby they went home with is the only one they can imagine having because he or she "just fits" right in. Maybe they had a failure before they had a success. While that seems like a tragedy at the time, it's just an indication that your baby hasn't found you yet and you can't force it. Diana Ross had it right when she sang "You can't hurry love"..."Just trust and give it time, no matter how long it takes". That's a hard thing to hear when you are waiting to adopt. I know that. And I am just as anxious for it to work as my families are. But some things are just up to God.

I've always felt that there is no limit on time. Everything happens in it's own season. If a family were to get to the end of a contract, I simply extended it to make it happen for them. You would think that would be a good thing and would relieve the family of the burden of expending more money. You've heard the term, "No good deed goes unpunished"? That's the hard part of my job. Integrity, honesty, humility, and loyalty are all terms that I hold dear and I try to exhibit those traits on a daily basis. When I can't find a baby for someone, it's not because I haven't tried or I didn't do enough. It's because there are certain things we don't have control over. It's taken me many years to understand that. It's very hard for me to accept that we may not be able to help everyone. We don't sell babies -- we do advertising. Birth mothers respond, but we don't control birth mothers' choices or which birth mothers call any more than we can control birth or death or taxes. We just keep trying to achieve our goal, which is the same goal as the adoptive family and hopefully the birth family as well. I think sometimes there is a fear of flying that isn't in the literal sense. I have seen situations sabotaged, whether willfully or unconsciously by the adoptive family, and potential successes fail. I'm fighting the notion that perhaps there are times when it's just not meant to be. Even with all the difficulties, there are good days and great days and it's still my labor of love.

Birth Dates, Luck, and Destiny

2011-02-16T12:31:00.000-08:00

Do people really try to aim for specific birth dates? Sometimes they do. CNN is reporting that Febuary 18 (give or take a couple of days) is the target date to get pregnant for those people trying for a birth date of 11/11/11. For those having scheduled C-sections, up to a week later will work. That will be a busy day for OB staffs around the country. We'll hear about babies born on 11/11/11 at 11:11. It might be a bit of a feat to have a birth weight of 11 lbs.

Women have used numerology and favorite numbers to plan "lucky" birth dates for as long as anyone can remember. The Chinese have that down to a science. I like twos. I was born the 2nd of March. Of course, I had no control over that. However, when my 2nd child's C-section was being planned, I purposely chose the 2nd of September. The same thing happened with my fourth child, who was born on February 2nd. My third, unknowingly, and by some strange twist of fate, had a birth and a death date of November 2nd. That wasn't planned, and I shouldn't have gone into labor that day, as it was months early, but it happened. My first born really messed it all up. He was born 2 days before the 2nd and at 2:00 p.m., but couldn't hold out another couple of days, despite being two weeks early. So the twos permeate our household. My fiance was born on the 3rd, but he always takes his time.

Because Valentine's Day is just a few days earlier than the "magic" date of February 18, it's a good bet that quite a few surprise babies will appear on or around the date of destiny. It will be interesting to see what that day brings. Stay tuned for that update.

Flying the "Unfriendly" Skies

2011-02-14T16:03:00.000-08:00

Recently while traveling, I had the rare occasion to use an airplane restroom. I avoid that necessity whenever possible, always making a pit stop between connecting flights. People who know me well would tell you that I am tad phobic about public restrooms that are anything less than sterile (is that an oxymoron?), particularly on airplanes. But, regrettably, with my plane landing late and greeted by a "now boarding" sign on the monitor upon checking my next flight, there was no time to stop. I barely made my flight even at a full sprint. For those who have never changed planes in Phoenix, you can't know the terror of having to get from a "C" gate to a "D" gate in a short period of time. If you have ever trained for a half-marathon, then you may be prepared. For those of us who haven't, it feels like miles anyway.

I digress...after getting settled into my "back of the bus" seat because of my late arrival, I realized that it would be better to use the lavatory early in the flight. You ladies all understand. So, with a sense of dread, I made my way to the back to the lavatory. When using an airline restroom, it's a good idea to position yourself before entering the lavatory because once the door is closed, there's no turning around -- literally -- at least without touching all four walls. And that's the absolute last thing you want to do. It's a balancing act to be sure and, judging by the condition of the floor, others have not balanced so well. It occurred to me, in that moment, how unfriendly the skies really are -- most notably for children.

Take a look around. Literally everyone you see anywhere you go is either a child or was a child at some point in time. There are a couple of issues here. Anyone who is already a parent (or is female) can tell you that it's difficult to maneuver with children in public toilets anyway. Never mind not having enough room for one adult to function well. If your child is young enough to need assistance, good luck -- and make sure you have a packet of sanitary wipes on hand.

If you are the parent of an infant and you are flying four or five hours (or more), chances are that a diaper change will be in order. Oh, you do have options! You can change your child on your lap -- risking a mess and offending your neighbors. The tray tables are too flimsy to support the weight of an infant, and who wants to eat on a changing table anyway? Then you have the floor. The only floor space is in the aisle, which is just wide enough for your carry-on (not your hips unless you move sideways), unless you are in the front row, where you are not allowed to stow your belongings, so you won't have access to your diaper bag. Privacy is pretty much out the window in either of those two venues. That leaves the bathroom.

I challenge anyone (and some of us truly are expert diaper changers, even in a pinch) to find a way to balance a wiggly baby either on top of the closed toilet (yuck!), or on the 3 square inches of wet counter space provided. Of course, you do have privacy, even if you can't turn a full 360 degrees. But just how can you bend over in a closet not even hospitable to turning around? Here's hoping you can change a baby in space because you'll have to hold it up in the air and, in this case, gravity is not your friend.

That got me thinking -- When you hear about a plane being stuck on a tarmac for a couple of hours (or in a few cases many hours) due to weather or circumstances, what is a mother (or father) to do? Can you imagine either babies not being changed at all or being changed in a packed (think Southwest) plane? Bring on a problem with the ventilation or air conditioning and this is the stuff that nightmares are made of.

Adoptive parents are particularly vulnerable to these problems. More often than not, they must fly home with their newborn child. They may have several connections or may have to travel long hours internationally. There is no choice of whether to leave the baby at home with grandma. They're trying to get home. We can send astronauts to the space station, but we can't manage a kid-friendly bathroom on a plane? Women did not design these aircraft!

So here is my proposition. Are you a parent? Do you want to become a parent? Were you ever next to a child on a flight? Do you have a mother? That pretty much covers everyone. If so, write a letter. Copy it to as every airline you can find an e-mail or snail mail address for. Ask that they start taking everyone's comfort into consideration, as this affects everyone on the plane! Ask that there be a real changing table on every airline. Ask that they allow enough room for a parent and child to maneuver comfortably -- never mind that a handicapped person has no chance of being able to use the facilities as is (how do they get away with that?). Mention that you intend to fly only "family friendly" airlines. And while you're at it, make a pitch for seats that don't involve sharing your neighbor's personal space (okay, so that request has already fallen on deaf ears so never mind that). I want us to inundate the airlines with requests so that they will take it seriously. Post it on face book, share with friends, pass out a form letter or petition with multiple signatures. After all, it's a revolution.

Teen Pregnancy, Birth, and Motherhood

2011-02-07T14:59:00.000-08:00

With the popularity of the newer reality shows on teen motherhood like MTV's 16 & Pregnant and Teen Mom, some people believe that teen motherhood is being glamorized and that more teens will become pregnant. Only time will tell if these programs will have an impact on teen pregnancy, but most states, including California, are reporting a reduction in teen births in their latest statistics (from 2009). In California, the birth rate dropped to a new low, falling from 35.2 for every 1,000 teens in 2008 to 32.1 in 2009. That is mirroring the national birth rate, which has continued to decline over the past two years, presumably due to the economy. Our national birth rate is the lowest since the Great Depression, which is a significant statistic. In addition, abortions are up. With fewer pregnancies and more abortions, it necessarily follows that there are fewer adoptions.

Interestingly, while the birth rate among Latino teens dropped more than other groups, the Latino birth rate is still the highest among all ethnicities in California. At 50.8 per 1,000 Latino teens, Latino girls are at high risk for becoming pregnant as teens.

Teen motherhood is anything but glamorous. There is a higher rate of abuse among teen mothers and there are many negative consequences to the children of young moms. Typically fathers disappear or were never involved from the beginning. Financial resources are few, and teen moms rarely get a chance to continue their education and go on to college. Their own childhood cut short, they don't get to experience some of the rites of passage that their peers do -- from prom to date nights to sorority parties and meeting new and interesting friends at college.

Why then, do more teens not consider adoption? I think peer pressure is the answer. I have worked with teen moms who knew that they couldn't parent properly and wanted to go to college or into the military and they were harangued by their peers. "What kind of mother are you?" or "How could you give your baby away?" are some of the things said to young ladies I know who had made the best decision for their children. "It's hard enough to give up your child without having to defend that decision", said Rachel, one of our former birth moms. She was right. If that was the right decision for her and she wasn't hurting anyone and her baby was going to a good home, why should anyone try to make her feel guilty for opting to give herself and her child a better future? Teens can be vicious and judgmental. The fact is, they don't see the big picture. Not until they have tried to parent will they understand how difficult such an undertaking can be as a teen with no foundation or resources. When a young mom opts to place her child for adoption, rather than aborting that child, she is taking a big risk that her peers will condemn her and she will be ostracized. Why, then, is killing a child more acceptable? Teens empathize with their peers who have undergone an abortion and they support them. Yet, when adoption is discussed, they present a whole new attitude. It's as if, once you have decided to give birth, you are expected to deal with the consequences. It's almost a punishment. If you choose adoption over abortion, you are somehow the bad guy.

Teens need to start supporting their peers and there needs to be more mentorship by others who have gone through adoption, parenting, and abortion. I can tell you from counseling abortion survivors that it's no picnic. There is guilt and remorse, and fear of retribution (by a higher power). It is revisited once they have children later on and realize with full clarity just what has happened and that they can not bring that life back. It's tragic when our society has become more tolerant of abortion than adoption. There are unplanned pregnancies, but there are no unwanted children. I have homes for them all.

Adoption Now and Then

2011-01-24T20:28:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I blogged. I guess between the holidays, end of year, and the new year, I have been more busy than ever. I'm going to get back into the swing of things.

Years ago, adoption was a dirty word. You only said it in a whisper when you were talking about someone who had gotten pregnant out of wedlock. It was a shameful thing because it meant someone was in trouble. Girls who got pregnant were sent off to maternity homes or an aunt or grandma half way across the country -- the further the better. When they came back six months later, everyone pretended that they believed whatever story was concocted to cover it up. Women placing their babies had horrible experiences, many times not even being allowed to see the baby they had just given birth to. Some were never even told the gender. The baby was taken away -- spirited from the room, nurses and doctors talking in hushed tones.

In the nursery, instead of putting a last name on the card, it would say Baby Girl BUFA or Baby Boy BUFA, meaning "baby up for adoption". I cringe at the fact that this is still used today in some hospitals. It seems ignorant to me. There are no illegitimate babies. They are all legitimate. They didn't get to determine the circumstances under which they were born and they are born without fault.

Years ago, I attended an American Adoption Congress meeting in Nashville and attended lectures given by various adoption professionals and adoptees. I will never forget some of the stories told there. I was moved by one woman who, without her consent, had her child taken from her as soon as she gave birth. It was involuntary, but her father insisted, and she was a minor and so it was done. She was never allowed to grieve, never allowed to talk about the baby or make reference to her. I remember her saying "My father took my child away from me then, but he couldn't keep her away from me forever"....she managed to find her after 40 years. She thought about that child every day, and she never forgave her father.

This all came back to me as I listened today as Oprah described how she recently found out something she had never known. Her mother gave up a baby for adoption secretly. As was the case at the time, she told no one and Oprah, living with her father, never knew she had another sister. She was divorced and couldn't afford another child, and so this was the choice she made. Oprah has clearly been stunned by the revelation. You can imagine how she must feel deceived by her mother. Her younger sister is named Patricia, the same name as another sister who has since died. Patricia was able to piece together information that eventually lead her to believe that she had the same mother as Oprah. It turned out to be true. She tried for a while to get into contact and finally spoke with Oprah's aunt. After DNA testing, she knew she was Oprah's half-sister.

Everyone should know where they came from. Everyone deserves that. That's why open adoption is so much more healthy than the closed adoptions of the past. Adoption needs to come out of the closet. It's not shameful and it's not something to be hidden. Virtually all of us have been touched by adoption. I'm happy that Patricia was able to find her birth family and happy that Oprah has been able to connect with the sister who she never knew about. Congratulations to all of them.

Angels Among Us

2010-11-29T12:03:00.000-08:00

For those who wonder, I can tell you with full certainty that there are angels living among us. I've seen many things that point to this, but none more convincing than those responding to a recent e-mail I had sent out to special needs agencies, adoptive parents, and contacts within my adoption circle. It has always been our mission to find a home for every baby who needs one, no matter the situation. And, thankfully, we have always found willing families, no matter the situation. Every once in a while, a special needs situation comes up and it can be a challenge to locate the perfect family. But, somehow, some way, there is always that special family that is the right match for the baby. Last week, we went in search of a family for a baby who was born with severe hydrocephalus and limited brain function. The response has been surprising. This baby will need a lifetime of care, special attention, and will not have much potential. Still, there are families who want this baby to be in their family. Many families. There are, indeed, angels among us.

Teens and Oral Contraceptives: Putting it all in Perspective

2010-11-05T14:31:00.000-07:00

     The following article was written by a guest blogger, Matt Phillips. Matt is a young professional who has found his voice in advocating for Women's health. He has shared some good points. I would add that in terms of contraceptives, I have serious concerns about Depo Provera. I jokingly refer to it as a "fertility drug," as a good number of our birth mothers report having been on Depo at the time they conceived. Whether it is being allowed to expire or it's actually failing is unknown. I would caution all women when using this form of birth control to also use a condom as well, as it seems to be unreliable and condoms allow for further protection from sexually-transmitted diseases.

     "The advent and subsequent popularity of certain birth control methods have led to a welcome decline in teen pregnancy throughout the United States. However, these methods, most notably oral contraceptives, also bring forth a host of further risks. Unfortunately, teens tend to fixate on avoiding pregnancy, arguably because it's the most visible consequence. However, with such well-established and successful adoption programs in place to bring life to a family unable to have children, these drugs deserve deeper scrutiny before young adults hastily decide to use them.

     One major factor of these drugs is their potentially damaging side effects.While pregnancy rates in this country have declined, sexually transmitted disease rates continue to grow. However, these drugs do nothing to address that specific concern. Worse still, these pills might actually encourage unprotected sex, tempting naive young adults to believe they're safe against all the unwanted outcomes of sex. The legitimizing effects of these pills, followed by the accelerated spread of disease, are a serious health concern parents and young adults need to consider when considering an oral contraceptive.

     Unfortunately, parents cannot rely on schools to address the dangers of these contraceptives. With U.S. government's renewal of its $50 million a year funding over five years for abstinence-focused education, teens might not receive the unbiased information needed to make the right choice regarding this contraceptive. Worse still, schools might totally refuse to discuss this contraception because it conflicts with the curriculum's assertion that abstinence should be the sole method teens use regarding sexuality. With the government's strong stance against teen sex, and by extension, contraception, parents simply can't rely on schools to thoroughly discuss this particular drug.

     Even worse than schools at discussing the details of these drugs, the manufacturers of contraceptives regularly fail to mention important information regarding their safety. One producer, Bayer Health Care, was recently cited by the FDA for having misleading television advertisements about its products. Promoting their product as a total quality-of-life improvement, these ads further mislead teens into choosing these drugs based on unproven claims. Furthermore, Bayer was also cited for substandard conditions in on of the plants of its hormone-manufacturing providers.

     With the charges that have been levied against this oral contraceptive maker, it's of little surprise that the extreme physical consequences of these drugs also have not been released by the manufacturer. These hormone-altering pills actually lead to permanent side effects, like the possibility of infertility. Originally introduced in the 1960's, some critics argue these oral contraceptives might also be to blame in the elevated cancer incidences for women in the U.S. Although easily dismissed by young people as harmless and a "safe alternative," these drugs literally disrupt many significant aspects of life including sexual, emotional, and physical health.

     In fact, the growing number of complaints against oral contraceptives, exemplified by pending Yaz lawsuits, indicates that the short-term safety of such birth control options is far from certain. Users of this particular product have seen serious, and sometimes fatal, side effects including heart attack, stroke, blood clots, pulmonary embolisms, and gallbladder disease. However, because schools refuse to recognize anything but abstinence as a legitimate lifestyle, these facts are rarely discussed with teens.

     With such a strong adoption system in place and so many options to mothers, it's unfortunate so many women continue to utilize such a dangerous method to avoid pregnancy. Regrettably, a serious lack of information flow, both from schools, the media, and the manufacturer itself, is largely to blame. Worse still, young women feel they actually are protected when using this contraceptive, leading to even more undesired consequences. Like many social solutions, the use of this drug and the negative consequences it causes can only effectively be solved if teens are empowered with actual information about it limitations, side effects, and less-damaging alternatives that also protect against sexually transmitted disease. Furthermore, teaching teens that adoption is a noble act might act as further motivation for teens to take their focus of the relatively-short term effects of pregnancy and consider the serious physical consequences of oral contraceptives and sexually transmitted diseases."

Halloween Traditions - Is It Time To Change?

2010-11-01T12:25:00.000-07:00

Halloween has come and gone once again and the kids will be in a sugar coma for the next week. I have mixed feelings about Halloween. My parents were actually married on Halloween. Can you imagine your anniversary being spent giving out candy to goblins and witches every year? Back in the day, Halloween was a big deal. I remember literally hundreds of trick or treaters coming to our door each year. My mother always counted and proudly gave us the grand total at the end of the evening (I tried last night and I don't know how she kept count!). The Halloween parties were always something to remember. We actually had bobbing for apples and some really fun haunted houses and haunted barns. It was great fun. As a college student, I worked at Knott's Berry Farm and participated in Halloween Haunt, or Knott's Scary Farm as it is known now. It was great fun (what teen doesn't love scaring children?!).

But nothing stays the same. Halloween is not the holiday it once was. One local city, Murrieta, sent out letters to all of the registered sex offenders in the city, discouraging them from handing out candy to children. This seems like a no-brainer and should be part of their parole/probation, but apparently it's not a law...but rather a suggestion. This comes just days after a local sex offender drove into the parking lot of our local sheriff's station and flagged down an officer to let him know that he had a body in the truck of his car. It turned out to be a 48 year old woman who had recently become involved with him. It's not clear if she knew about his past. Either way, he was a danger to society and we should know that. The recidivism rate with sex offenders is off the charts. Most of them repeatedly offend. The only difference is that they learn that if they leave a victim to testify, they will go to jail, so their crimes become more advanced and more sinister, if that is possible. As I write this, our local school district has reported that a man has been trying to abduct girls walking to school in the morning. What better time to do that than around Halloween, when a person can wear a costume and get away with it?

Each year on Halloween, I cringe when I turn on the news and hear what has been given out to children. Candy with razor blades, LSD dots, and rat poison in candy corn balls comes to mind. This year, I heard two bizarre stories. Marijuana legalization proponents were giving out marijuana-laced brownies (another reason not to eat anything that isn't professionally packaged). Half the time, older kids and teens were eating this stuff before they got home and mom had a chance to check out the candy. Some kids got flavored condoms in their Halloween goody bags. Not sure what this world is coming to, but maybe it's time to reconsider how we celebrate this holiday. Hmmmm...there's an oxymoron for you. Holiday = Holy day = All Hallows Eve?

Most of us wouldn't even consider sending our children door to door for other reasons, so why for candy? I know it's about the tradition, the "experience", and the fun of it, but wouldn't it be more reasonable for families with kids to get together to provide an old-fashioned costume party? If each family contributed what they would give out for Halloween, there would be no shortage of candy. With the stranger-danger that our kids face every day (and it seems like it's so much more prevalent now than it was years ago), I think it's time to reassess the Halloween traditions we all grew up with. It was either safer when we were children, or we were just all naive to the danger. Knowing it's out there, we have to protect our children. I'm sure Halloween lovers may call me a witch or something similar for saying this, but perhaps we should change Halloween traditions and ban the door to door trick or treating. It's unfortunate, but for the safety of children, we should think up a better alternative and not dangle the carrot to those who would hurt them. "Safe and sane" is a concept that should be able to be applied to any holiday, not just the fourth of July.

The Nobel Prize in Medicine - In Vitro Pioneer Wins

2010-10-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

Wow, it's been a while since I have blogged. We've been crazy busy with adoptions and distractions lately. Before adopting, many of our families go through in vitro procedures, among other infertility options. This technology has enabled 4 million infants to be born, who otherwise would not be here. In fact, surprisingly, today the odds of a pregnancy occurring after just one in vitro cycle are approximately the same (one in five) as a fertile couple trying to conceive naturally. That's pretty amazing when you consider that the first "test tube" baby, Louise Brown, was born in 1978, during our lifetime. The technique has evolved quickly into a viable option for infertile couples or single women who want to conceive. Of course, there are ethical issues as well, which stem from what to do with the leftover fertilized eggs, age of the mother, and stem cell issues. Regardless of how those questions get answered, it is the research of Dr. Robert Edwards, in vitro pioneer, and his partner, the late Patrick Steptoe, which enabled 4 million families to have the children they so desperately wanted. This past week, the Nobel Prize in medicine went to Dr. Edwards. He is now a professor emeritus at the University of Cambridge and is 85 years old. Too often, people are not recognized during their lifetime for achievements that affect others so profoundly. I'm glad Dr. Edwards got his Nobel while he is still alive. Congratulations to Dr. Edwards, all of his patients who have successfully conceived, and the babies who are here because of him.

California Tightens Sex Offender Laws - Justice for Chelsea

2010-08-31T09:53:00.000-07:00

California Governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger, is set to sign Assembly Bill 1844, "Chelsea's Law". Yesterday, the California Assembly unanimously passed the bill that will enact one of the nation's toughest sex offender laws on the books. It's about time. Both Chelsea King and Amber Dubois were killed by registered sex offender, John Albert Gardner III. Amazingly, despite being a registered sex offender and sporting a tracking bracelet, Gardner roamed freely around Southern California stalking victims, after serving time for another violent crime against a child. He should have been monitored. In my opinion, he should never have been released. Both Amber and Chelsea would have been alive today had he been kept behind bars. Our local Senator, Dennis Hollingsworth, has authored a bill which passed unanimously today in the senate. This bill, S85, will help families preserve the memories of their slain children. It is called the "Deceased Child Victims Protection and Privacy Act". Under this bill, the gruesome details of a child's murder and autopsy results can be sealed by the victim's family. If a family has lost a child in a perverse killing, they have every right to privacy. I can't imagine, as a mother, turning on the t.v. to see my child portrayed as a victim of sexual torture and abuse. It would be nearly as devastating as the murder itself.

New laws proposed in California require a checklist for police to follow during missing child investigations, reduce the reporting time to get authorities working on the case, and provide for a Director of Missing Child Operations, a new position in the State Attorney General's office. All of these new laws will go into effect in January, 2011. Governor Schwarzenegger will sign them all. He has stated "I am committed to protecting our children and keeping our communities safe from the threat of sexual predators, and Chelsea's Law will help to do that by creating harsher penalties on those that prey on children". I don't think the penalties could ever be harsh enough, but California is leading the way in passing laws that actually have teeth. Chelsea's Law mandates life sentences for those who commit violent sex crimes against children. No three strikes. One strike, and it's life behind bars, just as it should be. The recidivism rates for sex crimes are so high that repeat offenders are a given. In my view, a death sentence wouldn't be too harsh, but putting them in jail and throwing away the key is going to protect children from what Chelsea and Amber and their families have gone through.

If you go to the Megan's Law website and look up the sex offenders in your neighborhood and in your city, you will be astounded. They are everywhere. Time to get them out of our neighborhoods and into jail where they belong. There is no more heinous crime than a sex crime against a child.

What's in a Name?

2010-08-09T14:47:00.000-07:00

All parents-to-be think about and sometimes obsess about baby names. The social security administration has tracked baby names for decades. Some of the most popular boy names -- Jacob, Ethan, and Michael -- or girl names -- Isabella, Emily, and Emma -- appear on the list time after time. There are some names which are becoming more popular as we speak, such as Mia, Chloe, Jayden, and Noah. There is also a trend by celebrities and others to pick original names -- names that very few others would have, such as Titan, Shiloh, Suri, Apple, Rumer, and Puma. Whether popular or unusual, a child will have to live with the name chosen for them for the rest of their lives -- or at least until they are old enough to change it. A study from the University of Oldenburg (and previous other studies) revealed that from the moment they read a school register, teachers have a pre-conceived notion about the child and unfair prejudices result. And it's not just teachers that have those prejudices. Traditional names are consistently linked to strong performance and good behavior. Non-traditional names are linked to poor performance and bad behavior. It's conceivable that if two children are talking or disrupting the class, the one who has the non-traditional name will be the one accused of causing the problem, regardless of which actually did.

In Germany, the name "Kevin" has a negative connotation. One study participant stated that "Kevin is not a name -- it's a diagnosis". This is how deep the prejudices against certain names run. In another study, children of equal intelligence were taught by the same teachers over a several year period. The performance of African American children with unusual names declined, while the others achieved. If teachers do not believe in the potential of students and give up on them, then their performances will decline. Such prejudices can have a drastic impact on the life and future of a child.

What then, do you think would happen if someone named their child "Lucifer" or "Damien"? What about "Chastity, Satana, or Madonna" for a girl? Unusual and difficult to spell names, specifically African names like Chiamaka, Narkeasha, Jevonte, or blended names like Kenesha, Marquesha, or Jamanda might all be names that would influence others in terms of their opinion of that child. Stereotypes are never good, but we know people tend to stereotype and unusual names could lend to that.

In one study, women with desirable names were considered more physically attractive. In another study, a group of teachers and teachers assistants were asked to grade a number of tests and essays. Unknown to the assessors, they were each marking the same essay under different names. The unconventional names scored much lower across the boards. There is evidence to suggest that children with "made up names" don't do as well at school and don't have as much success. If it is assumed (incorrectly, of course) that a child with an unusual or misspelled name comes from a family that is uneducated, that child may be discriminated against and it may be assumed that the intelligence of that child is lower than that of his or her peers.

When considering names, consider the consequences. You don't have to choose the most popular baby names, but check them out and make sure that they aren't so unusual or difficult to spell that a child will have to defend their name or spell it for everyone from teachers to team captains. The image a name brings forth is important for the success of that child.

Apply a few rules to naming a child; 1) Don't tell people about the name you are considering for your child. Everyone will have an opinion, 2) Choose a name for success, rather than a name for your own edification, 3) Have a few names you like, but wait until you meet the baby before you choose a name.

You can't personally educate everyone in the world about what your special name means. Choose something that automatically has good associations. This will benefit your child.

Methamphetamine Use in Pregnancy

2010-07-22T16:59:00.000-07:00

Having worked in Labor and Delivery and the field of adoption, over the years I have attended many deliveries. No matter how many I see, it's still a very emotional, touching time when a child comes into the world. A couple of weeks ago, I was able to attend a delivery locally. After months of being matched, birth mom and adoptive couple were more than ready to have a baby. The delivery itself pretty much went off without a hitch. Everyone who needed to be present was there. The adoptive father just made it with less than a half hour to spare, but was there to see a beautiful baby girl enter the world. The baby who would call him "Daddy". The pictures I took of the adoptive parents holding their new baby said it all -- complete with tears of joy and shock that they had just become parents.

Right after delivery, the baby was quickly bundled up and covered to keep her warm. Once she was passed around the room and everyone had a chance to say hello, she was taken to the warmer to be unbundled, weighed, measured, and bathed. It was then that I heard the nursery nurse softly say to another nurse, "Have you ever seen that?". "No" was the answer. These were seasoned nurses and I knew that there was likely an anomaly. I made my way over to the warmer to check and see what they were talking about. This beautiful baby girl, born only moments earlier, had a condition called "microtia", in which the outer ear is not formed and there is no external auditory canal opening. Upon hearing that there was a problem, the birth mother stated, "I did this to her -- it's my fault". While everyone in the room heard the comment, it didn't register right away. Did she do this to the baby?

Earlier in the pregnancy, when the birth mom came to my office, she was excitable, fidgety, nervous, and couldn't sit still. She was scratching repeatedly and at that time I was concerned about Methamphetamine use and asked her. She stated openly that both she and the birth father had used drugs, including Methamphetamine, in the past, but that she was not using it currently. The adoptive parents and I had talked often and openly about the possibility.

After the birth, the adoptive parents wanted to get home and have the baby evaluated at the earliest possible moment and once they were free to leave the state and go home, they immediately made appointments with doctors at a medical center not far from their home, considered one of the top children's hospitals in the country. Thankfully, there are specialists there who are very experienced in treating this condition. Upon meeting with the doctor, the first question asked was "Was there Methamphetamine use during the pregnancy?".

The stats are staggering. 40% of all active drug users in the U.S. are Meth addicts. They outnumber alcoholics and pot smokers by far. Who are meth users? Anyone. Students use it to stay up late and study. It helps them stay awake and presumably to concentrate. Others just enjoy the high of being on speed. Women often try it to lose weight. You lose weight and more. You lose the ability to make rational decisions. You lose your job and your financial freedom. You can lose your family and friends. You can lose your life.

What effect does Meth us have on a developing fetus? In women who are pregnant and use Meth, risks to the fetus include premature delivery, low birth weight, cerebral infarctions (resulting from reduced blood flow to the fetal brain or by direct toxic effects), congenital anomalies (including cleft lip/palate, microcephaly, microtia, coloboma of the iris, choanal atresia, and cardiac defects). In addition, neonates affected by maternal Methamphetamine use may exhibit abnormal reflexes, extreme irritability, increased muscle tone, tremors, lethargy, poor feeding, and abnormal sleep.

We haven't seen many Meth babies, but the most common risk in using Meth during pregnancy is prematurity. When mothers use Meth during pregnancy, they can go into labor early, and it is difficult (if not impossible) to stop the early labor with traditional methods. If a baby is born too early and with insufficient lung maturity, that fact alone can cause death or many other complications.

When a baby is born with unexpected complications and an adoption is pending, there is a moment of pause and consideration for the challenges about to take place in taking care of a special needs infant. I was impressed when this couple immediately took on the challenge and never waivered, at least outwardly, in their commitment to adopt this child. Initial shock was replaced by quiet resolve. This baby will get the best medical care possible. It's going to be a bit of an uphill battle. Her surgery can't take place for years, so she must be fitted with a special band around her head which will enable her to make out sounds. Because "hearing aids" are not covered by insurance, it will be a $2,000.00 out of pocket medical expense for her parents. Certainly, this is just the beginning. But they are committed to giving their daughter a wonderful life and all of the benefits modern medicine has to offer. Mom is a nurse. I've always said that I believe there are no accidents and babies always seem to find the right home. This situation, while uncommon, is no exception. She is where she needs to be.

Methamphetamine is the most used illicit drug of our day. It is so highly addictive that we are going to see more and more people addicted over time. While studies are relatively new and there isn't a lot of long-term data, we don't know what we don't know. There may be many more complications we haven't yet seen. Alcohol has long been considered the worst drug for a gestating baby. Methamphetamine may be just as dangerous when used during critical times during pregnancy. I realize that those who are addicted are going to have a difficult time when told not to do it during pregnancy. However, if you are going to go through and entire pregnancy to preserve the life of that child and also to go through with an adoption plan with an adoptive family, remind yourself that one day of Meth use, a few drinks at the wrong time during gestation, or any exposure at all can cause irreversible damage.

Note: While researching the effects of Methamphetamine, I came across many terms that are used to put a name to the drug. The terms in use are "meth, crystal meth, speed, chalk, go fast, tina, ice crystal, and glass". Can you imagine my horror? I don't want my name associated with anything so sinister and harmful. So, if you're ever referring to "Methamphetamine", please don't call it "Tina".

Depo Provera - Birth Control or Fertility Drug?

2010-07-14T23:21:00.000-07:00

As you might imagine in adoption, birth control and fertility issues are often topics of discussion in my world. Over the past few years, I have observed that most birth moms weren't irresponsible or careless. Their birth control method simply failed. Which method seems to fail the most? By a landslide, Depo Provera. I have often joked that with a little tweaking, it could become the next fertility drug. Whenever I am contacted by a birth mom who wants to make an adoption plan, we discuss everything - from the timing of the pregnancy and the birth father, to her future plans and birth control. Much of the time, there was an effort to prevent pregnancy. In the literature, it says that Depo Provera is 97% effective in prevention of pregnancy. I'm not sure why, then, a preponderance of birth moms who call have been on it. It would seem that the 97% figure isn't even close to the true percentages. A friend of mine went on Depo for a short period of time. She experienced one of the many listed side effects, bleeding during the course of the medication. The Depo shot is administered every three months. My friend experienced moderate bleeding for the entire three months. She said it was like having a period the whole time. So, then, it's no wonder it should be a successful form of birth control. It's not surprising that a woman wouldn't feel like participating in the kind of activities that would cause pregnancy while consistently bleeding. However, for those who are able to tolerate it and are sexually active, it seems that pregnancy is a real risk. The other side effects of Depo Provera are abdominal pain or discomfort, weight changes, headache, asthenia (weakness or fatigue), and nervousness -- all symptoms which can also be attributed to pregnancy, and which mask a pregnancy should it occur. I know a few babies who are testimony to that.

One study found an association between using Depo-Provera and higher incidence of chlamydia and gonorrhea. I'm not sure how other methods of birth control fared in terms of sexually transmitted diseases, but it's apparent that women who are on birth control seem to get a feeling of security about not getting pregnant that also crosses over to sexually transmitted diseases. Obviously, that's where condoms are a better choice. They are, according to the literature, when used correctly, almost as effective as Depo. In reality, I believe they are much safer in terms of preventing pregnancy, and certainly safer than other methods for preventing STD's.

It would be interesting to see a current research study done on unplanned pregnancies which include the forms of birth control used and the failure rates of each. In the meantime, if you want to get pregnant, try Depo Provera. It seems to work.

Happy 4th of July

2010-06-30T19:41:00.000-07:00

4th of July has always been a little bittersweet to me. As a child, I loved the fireworks and hated the effect they had on the animals. As an animal lover, I was worried about my pets and those of others when they got scared and panicked at the sound of fireworks and explosions on the 4th. I was raised in Oklahoma, where "safe and sane" (how sane?) fireworks were all the rage. I learned young that more animals are lost during that time than most other times of the year. As an adult, I celebrated the 4th for my children. Both of my parents passed (24 and 22 years ago)just before 4th of July. They were laid to rest on July 3 (my Mom) and July 5 (my Dad). My Dad passed away of cancer on July 1, just 11 days before my brother's wedding. It was a joyous day couched in sadness.

My Dad was a cool guy. He was all that a Dad should be. He was a great story teller -- one of those rare few who could command the attention of even fidgity little ones for long periods of time as he described in flowery detail his childhood in the Depression and World War II battles in Okinawa and Guadalcanal, where he was shot and wounded, only to go back into battle and be shot again. He saw many of his buddies die as they landed on the beach to take the island of Okinawa from the Japanese. He saw enough death to truly respect life. He survived all that. He was a Marine. He was a tough guy, and fair. He liked justice. He also liked babies and animals. He loved holding babies. He didn't care whose baby it was -- babies made him smile. Whether a genetic trait or acquired, I guess I got that from him. He called every baby he came in contact with "Squeaky". He'd see one passing in a stroller and say, "Hi Squeaky!". Kids loved him too. They gravitated towards him like magnets. He was easy to talk to, non-judgmental and, as a teenager, even when I didn't think he was cool, all of my friends did. When a cousin ran away from home, and didn't seem to trust any adults, she called him to come get her. He worked at a large market and more than once brought home kids who were scavenging for discarded and expired food in the dumpsters behind the store. We didn't have much, but our door was always open to kids who needed help. I remember one named Celeste. He brought her home a few times. She sought to escape from a violent home life and would come to us with black eyes and bruised ribs, hungry and tired. One time she slept for almost three days. She never asked for anything, but accepted help when she needed it and then went on her way. I heard years later that my Dad had gone to her house and told her father that if he ever did that again, he'd beat him so badly that no one would recognize him -- and he meant it.

My Dad enjoyed bowling and introduced my brother and I to that sport and we enjoyed it too (so much that my brother was able to go pro later on). We'd spend hours bowling or score keeping (back in the day when a kid could earn a few bucks doing that). One of our friends from the bowling alley came in one day and said he'd been kicked out of his home. He was a good student and had a friend who would let him stay at his home, but had no transportation. He asked my Dad to co-sign on a motorcycle. I heard my Dad say to him, "I will co-sign for you, but if you miss one payment or can't show me good grades and an insurance card, I will take the bike." Firm but fair. Ron told me later on how much that meant to him.

When my Dad died and we had the funeral, it was a small sort of intimate group, perhaps only about 60 people in attendance. But every one of them had a story. One girl came up to me and said, "I couldn't have gone to school if it weren't for your Dad. He paid for my books." I knew my Dad was a good guy, but the fact that other people knew it too was very heartwarming. He was not a wealthy man, but whatever he had he always shared. He was just my Dad. He died July 1, 1986. So the 4th of July is a little bittersweet. I miss him, but he gets to see all the fireworks from Heaven. Happy 4th of July.

Adoption Book Review - The Best For You

2010-06-22T17:21:00.000-07:00

Often times I am asked by adoptive parents how they should tell their child they were adopted. Rather than having a specific moment or an event that ends up being "that moment" when they found out they were adopted, I tell them to read books, tell the adoption story, look at pictures and always talk about it when they are little. Always, the conversation should be age-appropriate. Answer any questions they have in the most honest and positive way you can. That way, when they get older and someone asks, "When did you find out you were adopted?", the response is generally, "I always knew".

The bigger question becomes, "Why?". I recently came across a book that was written by a birth mother from that perspective, so a child can understand why they were placed for adoption. It's a good book to use to introduce the topic. It is called "The Best For You" and was written and illustrated by Kelsey Stewart, who has placed two children and is the parent of two more. In it, she explains that "Adoption is God's love given twice". This book is written for small children and lets them know that adoption is all about love. The book ends with the line "Adoption means I wanted the best for you". It's a positive look at adoption that a child can understand.

If you have an adopted child and want a good bedtime story or positive reinforcement for adoption, you should have a copy of this book on your bookshelf. You may order it on Amazon on this site.

How Green Can You Get?

2010-06-16T18:06:00.000-07:00

Like everyone else these days, I'm leaning towards green energy and keeping our planet more balanced. With that in mind, I received a unique gift. I love babies. Everyone knows that. And babies make poop. So, I guess it was a no-brainer when my fiance found a gift that tied it all together. Poopoopaper. Yes, you read it right. I was all excited when I opened the mystery box that arrived in the mail. What could it be? Inside, there was a box with sheets of note paper -- all made from 100% recycled elephant dung. Imagine my delight!

After I stopped being grossed out and before I started laughing about it, I read the insert. It turns out that it's not a bad idea. Elephants are facing the destruction of their natural habitats and, with their size, they need a lot of habitat. They eat mostly plant fiber at the rate of up to 600 lbs. per day. That creates about 220 lbs. of dung per day per elephant. That's a lot of poo poo. So, what to do with all the poop? Someone with a great imagination figured out that since about 60% of what an elephant eats in a day is not digested but rather just comes out in it's original form, that volume of plant fiber could be washed and boiled (thank you) and pressed and made into paper! I'm trying not to think about the process, particularly in it's early stages of development.

The funds generated from the poopoopaper are used for the upkeep of elephants and conservation projects relating to habitat. So, I guess it's not only helping the planet to recycle all of this plant waste, but it's also helping the elephants to live and thrive. That fits in with the green theme for sure. I want to support that. In fact, recycling plant fiber by harvesting poo poo is about as green as you get.

If you're interested in seeing what products poopoopaper has to offer or you just want a unique gift for someone you feel ambivalent about (I didn't say that), just go to their website at www.poopoopaper.com. Next time someone says they're "going green", you can teach them a thing or two. Thanks, Honey, for the lovely gift.

Adoption Issues - Do Celebrities Receive Preferential Treatment?

2010-06-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

Often times, I hear comments about how "easy" it is for celebrities to adopt. I think because we don't hear anything in the media until a baby goes home, people assume that it happened quickly. Celebrity or "high profile" adoptions as we call them, come with their own difficulties and challenges. Recently, Sandra Bullock commented that she had waited four years to adopt new son Louis. While people may find that hard to believe, it's true. Not only do high profile families have to do the same as other adoptive families (home studies, fingerprinting, etc), they are actually a little tougher to match. Given that these days most birth mothers want to know where their baby is going and want to choose the family, this presents a problem with celebrities. If they do know who they are working with, then it's possible that word will get out and the paparazzi will show up. Many times it's much harder and takes longer to match someone who may have that happen. What birth mom wants the press chasing her around? I worked with one high profile couple who found out the hard way that a social worker had leaked information to the press, presumably for a payment. The adoptive father was unable to attend the birth because reporters were camped outside the hospital waiting for him. So, it's not as easy as it may appear for high profile adoptive parents. Sheryl Crow has recently adopted a second child. She stated that it kept falling apart and that the birth mom kept changing her mind. Not so different from any adoption situation in which the birth mother is struggling with her decision. So it happens to celebrities too. Adoptive families are more alike than different regardless of who they are and what they do for a living. The same goals and desires are present. So don't believe everything you read. Celebrities are not given any special treatment or put at the top of some list. In fact, they have fewer choices than most because of their status and popularity.

A Sad Day

2010-06-03T17:55:00.000-07:00

Today is just a sad day. Everywhere I look there is news that is just...sad.

The situation in the Gulf is making me feel sick. Our beautiful pelicans, sea turtles, birds, fish, and wildlife are all coated with oil and many are dying. The oil isn't just on the surface. It is throughout the entire mile high water column. Everything that comes in contact with it is endangered. Fish can't breathe as it gets in their gills. Birds can't fly. Turtles are washing up on the beaches. Where is our government? I guess I put too much faith in those who have the power to do something. I understand the desire to drill for oil. I just don't understand why it is allowed a mile under the ocean where it can't be repaired to stopped in a crisis such as this. On land, this would have been capped quickly. It is polluting the Gulf, killing the animals, destroying white sand beaches. Those responsible say it may take another two months before the leak is stopped. It has been six weeks and 30% of the gulf is not safe for fishing at this point. How can they allow it to go on for so long? Our President has said that BP, British Petroleum,will have to pay for the entire clean up, so why not call in every expert available to get the problem solved and then bill it back to British Petroleum? BP is taking heat for the billions in dividends they were planning to pay their stock holders. Of course, they were going to do this without consideration for how much money they would need on hand to pay for the clean up. All the while, our President, our Congress, and even the States along the Gulf, seem to be sitting back and allowing the company who caused the problem sit around trying to figure out how to fix it.

Further South, Joran van der Sloot, the Dutch man who was suspected in the disappearance of Natalie Holloway five years ago, has been taken into custody after fleeing Peru. Exactly five years to the day after Natalie went missing without a trace in Aruba, A young Peruvian woman was killed and found in van der Sloot's hotel room. Her neck had been snapped and she had been beaten. She died on the floor and was left there, presumably by van der Sloot. Witnesses saw her enter the room with him, but she never left. I'm not sure what kind of a defense you can have after two young women mysteriously turn up dead, but it's obvious that this is young man has issues. Like O.J., he may have a good legal team, but everyone knows who did it.

Speaking of our government, a government survey released by the CDC yesterday indicated that a growing number of teen girls are using the "rhythm" method to avoid pregnancy. Since most teens (64% of boys and 70% of girls) think it's okay for an unmarried female to have a baby, it's a risk they seem to be willing to take. The teen pregnancy rate, is no longer dropping as it was in years past. 17% of teen girls are saying that they use the rhythm method of birth control. The study showed that 42% of never-married teens had had sex. Since that includes young teens, we can safely assume that most teens over the age of 15 are having sex. My high school health teacher had a saying that I still remember;

QUESTION: "What do you call a teen who uses the rhythm method?"
ANSWER: "A parent".

We're doing a placement with two small children this week. Birth mom is a 23 year old young woman who has given birth to five children. She stated to me that "I had five kids before I knew what what happening". Now, with no father in sight and no help from family and no job because she can't afford day care care for five children, she is having to make this difficult decision. She has already given up her youngest, now a 1 year old. The 2 year old and 3 year old will be placed with an adoptive family next week. She is going to parent the first two, ages 5 and 4. How do you explain to children that age what happened, why, and where their siblings are? It's a difficult and sad situation for everyone. I don't think the rhythm method is working and expecting teens to be abstinent in such a sexually-charged society seems naive. Beyond birth control, young people are taking risks with their health. A pregnancy ends in 40 weeks. Some STD's are forever. We can't presume that they get it. If you have teens, you should probably have "the talk" ...weekly.

Adoption Issues - Child Sexual Predators Have Rights Too

2010-05-25T20:42:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends and Adoptive Parents:

One of our adoptive families needs your help. While we didn’t participate in this particular adoption, all of us who believe in adoption and the best interest of children should be concerned. This is the nightmare of any parent. Please do what you can to spread this message, ask for laws to be written or changed, notify the media if you have connections, send others to our blog, where it will be posted. Especially those of you in PA can help. This is urgent and needs your attention. Please share with any other adoptive parents or child advocates that you know. Feel free to e-mail Kristin (below) to let her know you are working behind the scenes on her family’s behalf. If each one of us makes a small effort, the result will be big.

Tina Tyra
Executive Director
A Labor of Love Adoptions

Please read this letter written by Kristin.

"To all those who care for children:

As I sit, in the quiet and peace of a spring evening, I am puzzled by what to write to move your hearts to join our fight. Just as I am about to close my laptop, frustrated, I simply look to our baby sleeping peacefully. Please picture in your mind a small baby, just months old, safe and loved in a secure home. She breathes in and out, oblivious to the wrongs in this world because right now she is loved without abandon. She is clean, happy, fed, maybe a little spoiled, and has an unbelievably bright future ahead of her. She smiles in her sleep, and I think to myself how blessed we are to have her in our lives. Her hair shines with a gleam of auburn by lamplight, and I think her eyes will be blue, like mine. I know in my heart that there is no difference between parenting a biological child and an adopted one. In this moment, the world seems right.

Now, picture another side of our country’s reality. Picture innocent children, being taken advantage of by the most despicable form of humanity; those who commit crimes against children. Picture our baby, who was so lovingly placed in our arms by her birth mother, taken away to a life which will very likely revolve around crime, drugs, sexual assault, and neglect. You may think to yourself, “This would never happen!” Think again, because it happens every day. It is a sad fact that our criminal justice system has not caught up to the explosion of child pornography, rape, assault, and molestation, partially due to the availability and anonymity found within the internet.

At this time in our country, we have a crisis. This crisis revolves around our children. The crimes against our most innocent, vulnerable citizens are on the rise, and our current criminal justice system is not equipped to deal with this new generation of criminals. We ask that you read our story, and contact your local lawmakers to push for new laws to protect our kids. Make phone calls, write letters, and speak out for those who can’t speak for themselves. Ask for laws that remove parental rights of those who have committed crimes against children such as rape, assault, and child pornography. Do you know that men who have raped and assaulted females under the age of 13 are walking the streets and claiming they have the right to seek sole physical custody of a child? Our child’s birth father has pleaded guilty to this and other crimes, and our criminal justice system seems to want to hand him a new victim on a silver platter, simply because he is the “biological” father. Let’s make a difference and save our baby and many others before we read about them as a tragedy in the newspaper or hear about it on television.

Our family has been waiting to adopt a baby for 3 ½ years. In January, we met with a birth mother who selected us to care for her baby. Her reasons were many, but two were primary concerns. First, she wanted the very best of everything for her baby, and at that time, she could not provide it. Secondly, she wanted to protect the baby from the birth father, who is a convicted sex offender on Megan’s List. We agreed to be the baby’s parents and waited in excited anticipation for the birth. Initially, when the birth father was first notified, he resisted the idea of the adoption, but after the baby was born he asked our attorney to come up to the jail where he was incarcerated and “talk about everything.” Our attorney told us that he knew we had the baby and did not resist. He asked her if we would send letter, pictures, and possibly even a DVD. He told her he was probably going to sign the papers when he got out the following the week.

Since that time, he has filed for custody, which forced our birth mother to revoke her consent. We presently still have physical custody of the baby. We are told by our attorney, that our chances are slim because we have no rights and he is the biological father, therefore, he has rights to his child. The rights of the baby or the birth mother are not being considered. We are currently in a court battle to hopefully gain “standing” so we can gain the rights of parents to fight for the baby’s best interests. Does it seem crazy to you that the current justice system allows a man who has raped children (by his own admission) and has multiple charges for crimes against children including child pornography, to file for custody of a baby girl? What good is Megan’s Law Website if we do not use it to protect the children? We are ready to fight the fight for our baby, alongside her birth mother, but really, who are we compared to a pedophile with parental rights? His rights supposedly supersede everyone’s, including the child’s best interest. He is supposed to be incarcerated again, in the near future, for child pornography and yet our fight for our baby continues, with his rights supposedly prevailing.

Please, picture that baby sleeping peacefully, and join us to help keep her happy and healthy. We ask you to please, contact your local representatives, lawmakers, and even news media. Write letters, make phone calls, pray, and spread the word that our children need protection from these predators. Ask them to create and push for laws to take away the rights of sex offenders to hurt more innocent victims. Stricter and more specific laws are needed for these types of crimes. Our dear ones must be protected. Please join us in our fight. If every person writes one letter and forwards this e-mail to just a few more people, we can make a difference. Our daughter and other babies need your help to keep them safe from sexual predators, biological or otherwise."

Sincerely,

Eric and Kristin
e-mail: awaitingfamily@hotmail.com

Baby Blessings

2010-05-21T13:44:00.000-07:00

John Travolta and Kelly Preston are Hollywood's elite. Everyone knows them, but they are just like everyone else. They experience the same joys and sorrows as everyday people. Last year, we were all saddened by the loss of their 16-year old son, Jett, after a particularly severe seizure in which he struck his head and was killed. It was revealed that he had medical issues including autism. John and Kelly were extremely close with their son, as they are with daughter, Ella. Last week, they suffered another family tragedy. Their two beloved dogs were struck and killed by a vehicle on a tarmac while waiting to board a plane. They were leashed and had no where to run. Amidst all of this tragedy, a ray of hope. The couple announced Tuesday that Kelly, now age 47, is pregnant. They have had their share of heartache and they deserve a blessing in their lives. Congratulations John and Kelly.

Adoption - Welcome Home Abby & Ella!

2010-05-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

I received a wonderful e-mail regarding Mother's Day and wanted to share it with everyone. It truly made me smile. This is what can happen when you're waiting for one newborn! Amy & Bob waited a while and were, I suspect, getting a little discouraged about the adoption process. And then it happened. We got a call from a young lady in Alaska who couldn't manage the four children she had and wanted a good home for her youngest, twin girls. Because they were not newborn, we sent a message to our families asking who would be interested. We received a fairly large response and the birth mom had quite a few good choices. She chose Bob and Amy and while I don't normally recommend adopting children older than your youngest, I knew that this was a good fit and that it would work. On so many levels, it was a perfect match and it's been a fairly seamless transition. This from Amy...

"Dear Tina -

Mother's Day was fantastic! Who would have thought last year at this time that I would be the mother of three? Not me!

The girls are doing very well. They have both adjusted nicely to their new names, new room, new family, new everything. They are so resilient! We have made our first trip to the pediatrician, to the dentist, and to have them evaluated developmentally. Everything has gone well. Both girls are working with a speech therapist and they are already speaking volumes better than when they first got home two months ago. It's hard to believe it has been two months -- Wow!

I think Garrett has finally realized that his sisters are here to stay. It is really neat to watch them interact. Garrett and Ella both have a very physical approach to playing. They enjoy being outside, running, climbing, and physically immersing themselves into everything they do. Garrett and Abby, on the other hand, play more make believe stuff. They play house together, in their play kitchen and with little people, etc. They all laugh hysterically together, which brings us such joy! At the end of dinner, they break into songs -- everything from the ABC song to Jesus Loves Me to Row Row Row Your Boat (none of which the girls had ever heard before). They sing at the top of their lungs and clap wildly for each other. Heaven!

When we first got home, we had a variety of friends who brought us meals every night. What a blessing! My mom came and stayed with us for a month too. That was helpful beyond words! We had people we didn't even know dropping off toys, clothing, etc. In fact, I was at a Tastefully Simple party and a woman there heard me talking about the twins and said, 'Hey - I know you! I heard about your story on my prayer chain. I've been praying for you since February!' Can you believe that? Talk about goose bumps.

Obviously I could go on and on. I can tell you this -- We cannot imagine our lives without Abby and Ella. They are such a perfect fit! They have already brought so much to us and to our family. We are blessed beyond measure."

I can picture the kids singing and clapping for each other. In the pictures, you can just see the joy on their faces. This is what family is all about. Welcome to your family Abby & Ella!

Adoption - From God's Arms to My Arms to Yours

2010-05-17T14:48:00.000-07:00

For Birth Mother's day, on our birth mother blog, there was a video posted. It is a beautiful tribute and a birth mother's story. Used in the video was a song called "From God's Arms To My Arms To Yours". It's perhaps the most touching rendition of the story of adoption set to music that you'll ever hear. In researching it, I came across the book and the CD by Michael McLean. So many people are asking about it, I thought I would add the Amazon link for books and CD's so that when we find something or recommend an item, it's easy to find. It may sound like an advertisement, but I am going to order my copy right now. I keep going back to the video just so I can listen to it. It's a very special way to tell an adopted child just how much they are loved by their birth mom and their adoptive family.

Adoption Issues - Special Needs and Older Child Adoptions

2010-05-14T15:27:00.000-07:00

I've discussed recently the challenges of adopting older children. There is no real road map for parenting, but adopting a child who has special needs or has been through traumatic experiences can be particularly difficult. There are books that can help navigate the process and give some guidance and hope. Every child should have the opportunity to live, learn, and grow with love. If you are planning to adopt or are already parenting a child who may have ongoing difficulties with feelings of abandonment, separation, or who has special needs, you may benefit from these books. I would love to hear from those of you who have experiences with reactive attachment disorder or issues relating to the feeling of abandonment related to being adopted. The more we know, the better we can parent these children.

Adoption Issues - Confusion Over Agency/Facilitator Options

2010-05-13T19:22:00.000-07:00

Often times potential adoptive families will want to know the difference between facilitation and full service agency adoption. It's hard to navigate all of the options of adoption when trying to compare apples to oranges, so I thought I'd clarify what I can. Since I facilitate on a regular basis, but also do full service agency adoption, I think I can clear up a few misunderstandings.

Many people seem to think that facilitators are the sharks in the proverbial adoption pool. In the past, that may have had some basis in fact, as there were some fly by night facilitators out there. A couple of years ago, however, adoption facilitators in California (where most of us are) were required to be registered with the state. We are required to be bonded and to have training specific to what we do. Facilitators with a proven track record and years of experience and references were grandfathered in, but any new facilitators must have a degree in social work and a level of experience. Websites are checked often to determine that rules are being adhered to and the oversight is almost as stringent as that of an agency.

As far as the differences, there are many. Agencies are licensed by one or more states and in each state they are licensed in, they must adhere to strict regulations. They become, in essence, a right hand of the state as they are allowed to take consents from birth parents, petition the courts for rights to be terminated, and make determinations about the needs and support issues of birth parents. They take custody, on paper and physically, of children. They must have large insurance policies in place because they are responsible for a child placed until finalization in most cases. They actually do the placement. The birth mother relinquishes her rights to the agency and then the agency places the child with a family. Their facilities have to meet standards. In most cases, they must have foster families on board and available just in case they are needed. Counselors on board and generally a master's level social worker is required. She/He generally oversees all of the social workers at the agency who perform home studies, counsel adoptive and birth parents, and take consents.

With facilitation, there are varied types of services. Legally, a facilitator is an advertiser and a matchmaker. We don't take consents or perform legal duties. We don't take custody (on paper or physically) of children. We don't put children in foster care and we don't do home studies. We do advertising in an attempt to locate birth parents who are searching for adoptive parents and we put them together, preferably according to birth mother requests. The birth mother makes the placement.

Fees are different too. Not only the amounts, but the timing in which they are obtained. Agencies generally either charge fee per service (a la cart) or they have one umbrella agency fee. They either collect the fees when the services are provided (home study fees at the time of the home study, counseling fees at the time of counseling, match fees at the time of match, etc.) or, if you're paying one umbrella fee, it is usually broken up into three separate payments; most often a third at registration, a third at match, and a third at placement. Agency fees vary widely but range from twenty to forty thousand dollars. So, you can break it down into thirds. With facilitation, our fees are less (because we are doing a different service) and, in our case (I can't speak for others) go to advertising and overhead. Legally, we are not allowed to collect fees for a placement (since we are not a placing agency). We must collect our fees up front. Due to the current economy, some facilitators are allowing for payments, but they must be made prior to a match and placement, or there are legal issues. In addition, if we do what we say we do (advertising), that is paid to the advertiser upon the order of ads (they learned long ago that if ads are placed in yellow pages and then not paid for, they have a hard time collecting). So, facilitators have traditionally required that their clients pay up front. Since adoptive parents are not paying "for a baby", but "for advertising", this is reasonable and prudent. No one -- not agencies or facilitators (or attorneys for that matter) can "guarantee" a baby for a fee. But most adoptive parents equate fees with paying for a child. However, even an agency can't make that promise because of all of the variables involved.

Unfortunately, some facilitators have become what I would term "baby brokers". They "network" with various agencies and find hard to place children (all agencies, attorneys and facilitators who work in adoption have families waiting for healthy infants). These are drug babies, birth parents with huge expenses, or special needs babies. They then send out e-mails and posts on the internet, essentially offering the situation to the highest bidder. If you are willing to pay their price, they match you. They take a fee for passing the situation along -- for being a middle man or broker. In my opinion posting situations on the internet should not be legal. Any reputable adoption professional has plenty of connections with other adoption professionals. They post situations or "advertise" on the internet because it is hard to find families willing to pay large fees for sub-optimal situations. This seems to me to be just wrong. I don't believe that this is true "facilitation" and should be avoided. The huge fees associated with these situations often top $30,000.00 for special needs situations.

On the flip side, there are agencies who do much the same thing (hence it's best to know a little about the entity you are planning to work with. Do they have a track record? Do they have lots of happy families who will share their stories? Can you ask those families what they ended up spending? Are they advertising situations on the internet? One agency that I know has over 300 adoptive families posted on line. Families have called me to say that they have been waiting for years and no one contacts them. How would anyone find them if they are family #278? Even so, birth parents deserve better than that. Sure they should be able to review profiles, but that should happen after information and interviews and the field should be narrowed down for them to their appropriate requests and then the choices would not be so overwhelming. They shouldn't have to scan through 300+ waiting families.

All of this brings me to a phone call I received today. I guess I'm still shaking my head about it. A cautious but hopeful potential adoptive mom who has been talking to me for perhaps five years about her options called to ask my advice. Anyone who knows me can tell you that I am more than willing to give lots of that. I think over the years I've earned my high school nick name of "Dear Abby" a few times over. Her question floored me. She stated that she had decided to go with an agency that didn't require any "up front" fees. Now, I am not arrogant enough to feel that our services are the only option out there for anyone and I do want adoptive families to have choices and to do what is comfortable for their own family, so I was fine with answering her questions and offering advice.

The said agency charges twenty thousand for their services -- not unreasonable in comparison to most adoption agencies these days. It was to include everything except birth parent legal expenses. The adoptive couple felt good about the fact that they had received three calls over a short period of time about potential birth mothers. They turned down the first two because of what they considered special needs. The third situation sounded good to them, but they thought they were missing something and decided to call me to see if it "sounded right". They had gone with an agency that doesn't have a top-notch reputation, and there were some red flags. The agency wouldn't let them speak with the birth mother. How do you know there is a birth mother to match with if you can't talk with her? Additionally, they were told that they would have to hire another agency in Texas to take the consents, get birth father's rights terminated, and work with ICPC. All that was going to run another fifteen thousand, since their agency didn't cover any of the fees for the birth mother's legal services (which, is most of the work in an adoption).

I was pretty stunned that a family would be willing to pay $35,000.00 for an unknown situation with a birth mom who they couldn't confirm was committed to them. They could have done two and a half independent adoptions for that (or paid much less to another agency), and they would have the advantage of having contact with the birth mother and knowing what her situation was. Birth mom would have the advantage of being able to bond with the soon-to-be parents of her child instead of just a profile. It all seems quite odd to me that they weren't willing to spend a third of that on a facilitated adoption simply because of the up-front fees. Presumably, that would indicate they weren't trusting the facilitation process. And yet, when they got into a predicament, they called the one person they thought they might be able to trust to give them some valid information and advice (me). So, in an effort to avoid paying anything up front, they will spend an extra $20,000.00 on their adoption (if it actually happens). Mind boggling. Yes, I'm still shaking my head.

Protect Our Children - Buy American

2010-05-11T11:51:00.000-07:00

The U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission is screening imports from China for children's jewelry said to contain cadmium. Cadmium is a carcinogen and is highly toxic. Symptoms of cadmium exposure may start hours after the exposure and may include cough, irritation of the nose and throat, headache, weakness, dizziness, fever, chills, and chest pain. More prolonged exposure can result in poisoning the liver and kidneys with kidney failure. Kidneys can shrink and kidney damage due to cadmium is irreversible. There can be a loss of smell. Bones can also be affected, losing bone mineral density and causing risk of fracture and bone weakness. In extreme cases, mere body weight can cause fracturing of the bones.

There has been a voluntary recall of 19,000 "Best Friends" charm bracelets made in China. They have been sold at a chain of jewelry and accessory stores called "Claire's", found in many malls. There are over 3,000 Claire's stores. The jewelry contains high levels of a toxic metal - cadmium. Federal regulators are checking other imported jewelry from China to determine of there are other instances of the same metal being used for jewelry items for children. Children put jewelry or items they play with in their mouths.

If you know of anyone who has purchased jewelry at Claire's, please make them aware of this recall. In the U.S., toys, jewelry, and all consumer items are regulated and anything with cadmium or other known toxins is not allowed to be manufactured and sold. For some reason, imports from China and other foreign countries are not scrutinized as closely and they are making their way into our markets. There is one simple solution to this problem. It would go a long way to keeping our children safe and may even turn around our problems with employment and the economy. Look at labels and be aware. Buy American.

The Adoption Duggars - A Day in the Life

2010-05-05T13:54:00.000-07:00

We've all heard of the Duggars -- the family on TLC with "19 Kids and Counting". Well it's Mother's Day this weekend, so that family does come to mind, but so does another one. I call them "The Adoption Duggars". Parents Michelle and Jim Bob are replaced by Katie and Dale. Katie was an only child and is making up for that big time. I've known Katie since the early days, just after she adopted two sets of siblings. Her first foray into motherhood came in her mid-30s when she adopted six children at once, four girls and two boys, all around the ages of 9, 10, and 11. Now the pre-teen era isn't pretty, but when you have six kids all the same age range, well, it makes me wonder how Katie still has hair, much less the waist-length tresses she sports. I'm not even going to talk about hormonal changes here (kids, not mom!).

Once those children grew older, they adopted again. This time a set of triplets and their sibling sister. I'm not sure Katie knows how to parent in small numbers. She was so used to multi-tasking by this point that she just took it all in stride. Humor punctuates the mix. It would have to. After the triplets came the desire for an infant, since they had never parented a baby. One lonely baby boy later, they adopted another sibling group of three young boys -- ready made playmates. At fourteen kids, you'd think that hearts and hands would be full, but wait! They had never parented a baby girl, so the search was on. That adoption happened on the day before Halloween last year. Just after they found out that their baby daughter was on the way, they got unexpected news. They had previously applied to adopt in Ethiopia to save a child. They felt that they could make a difference in one child's life. Not only did they receive news that they had been approved to travel to Ethiopia, they found out they were getting twins!

So, our "Adoption Duggars" have children who are 24, 23, 22, 22, 21, 20, 16, 14, 14, 14, 9, 7, 6, 6, 8 months, 8 months, and 6 months. This includes one set of fraternal triplets and one set of identical twins, the last of which are paired with a baby their age making them pseudo-triplets. The score is girls 9, boys 8.

I asked Katie what her typical day was like. Mistake. I got tired just reading about it. She sent me her itinerary for May 1. It goes like this...one son has community service 9:00am-1:00pm; four youngest boys have dance 11:30am-12:00pm. Daughter has dance 12:00pm-2:30pm. Two daughters, aunt, and three baby girls, along with mom have a mother/daughter tea to attend from 11:00am-1:00pm; 16 year old has a formal dinner to attend so there is hair, make-up, dress, corsage, etc. Must be at school by 4:00 pm; One daughter has to attend awards banquet at school from 5:00pm-7:00pm with Mom and Dad (highest GPA award in her grade level-9th); Oldest son has to be to work 7:00am-2:00pm; another son has to work from 9:00am-3:00pm; daughter works 5:00pm-9:30pm; 16 year old has to be picked up from formal at 11:00pm. Katie classifies herself (among other things) as the "air traffic controller". She coordinates rides to and from all activities. That's no small task when you filter in that anyone taking the younger children must drive the big van. While there are four drivers in the house (some of the kids are on their own), there are three vehicles and with all the taxi rides going back and forth, it takes a fair amount of logistical planning just to get everyone to and from their activities.

This is just one day in the life and doesn't include dental and doctor visits, football or baseball sign-ups (birth certificates in hand), drama team practice, bell choir practice (national competition) at church, girl scouts, volunteering, college classes and school graduations (college, trade school, high school, and kindergarten!), end of year programs, and normal activities like grocery shopping and laundry. Laundry -- four washers and four dryers -- need I say more?

Seriously, I had trouble getting one or two kids out the door and to school on time each morning. I can't even imagine the logistics! I told Katie that I thought perhaps she must be buying energy drinks in bulk. Her response was that she drinks McDonald's sweet tea. I don't know what's in that stuff, but it must be pretty powerful! I'm gonna have to try it. After all, I still have one left in the nest.

Katie is having a bit of Mom withdrawal, having just sent one son off to boot camp with mixed emotions. Even one little birdie leaving the nest is stressful!

So, again this year, Katie gets my vote for Mother of the Year. She does crazy amounts of work, all while managing a job and she does it with humor. Dale is no slouch either, caring for the kids when Mom is working. They have it all down to a science. They get where they need to be and no one misses a thing. They even traveled to California to go to a wedding and Disneyland (before the babies) and I marveled at their level of efficiency. Each child had a backpack and a pillow. Katie and Dale had one suitcase full of blow up beds. A trip to McDonalds? 30 Hamburgers please! It never mattered to Katie and Dale what race or gender the kids were. The only criteria was "Do they need us?".

On this Mother's Day, my hat is off to Katie, and all of those other mothers out there with big or small families. Mom is the cog in the wheel -- the one person needed to make everything work. When you contemplate motherhood, with all of it's challenges and sleepless nights, think of Katie and you'll realize you can do it!

Abortion Law - Oklahoma Gets it Right

2010-05-03T17:53:00.000-07:00

Today Oklahoma's new anti-abortion law was temporarily blocked while it is reviewed for constitutionality. In my view, the law is a good one and will be allowed to stand. The Center for Reproductive Rights is arguing to have it struck down. It stands to cut into their profits as abortionists. The Oklahoma law seems to be the bridge that has been needed for a long time. While many people nation-wide are reluctant to completely disallow abortion in favor of maternal right to choose, this law allows the mother to choose, with a caveat.

Before undergoing an abortion, under this new law, a mother would have to have an ultrasound, see the beating heart, and hear about the stage of development of her child. She should know this before terminating a pregnancy. It's a medical fact and shouldn't we all be informed before any surgical procedure?

While this new law is among the strictest in the nation, it makes the most sense. In counseling women who were post-abortion, I have heard many times, "I had no idea what I had done until I got pregnant again. I didn't know that the heart was beating in the first trimester. I didn't know that the baby was fully formed. What did I do?". In abortion, there is as much psychological damage as physical damage -- sometimes more. So making sure that women know what they are doing seems prudent and is in keeping with the overall care of the mother.

When a woman undergoes any medical procedure, her physician is required to describe the procedure and the risks to her. Why should abortion be any different? It's different because given the information and viewing an ultrasound would likely change the minds of many who are considering abortion. This would put a big kink in the budgets of family planning clinics around the country. Some people couldn't afford the new cars and perks. Abortion is big business and big profit. It's less about womens rights and more about selling them the alternative -- an alternative that means some people get wealthy from others' mistakes. Planned Parenthood and The Center for Reproductive Rights have a lot to lose. They're defending their way of life. Now there is an irony.

Adoption Issues - Sandra Bullock Adopts Trans-racially

2010-04-28T16:58:00.001-07:00

Just as I blogged about racial and gender preferences and how Americans prefer light-skinned girl babies, Sandra Bullock has adopted trans-racially. She's broken down a number of barriers and adopted an African-American baby boy. Little Louis Bardo Bullock was placed with Sandra and her soon-to-be ex-husband Jesse James three months ago, just prior to the Oscars, where Sandra won the Oscar for Best Actress for her movie, "The Blind Side". Perhaps it's life imitating art, or perhaps Bullock just has a heart for children and identified with the role. In any event, when a celebrity adopts, they tend to get more press and people take notice of what they do. You would think that in 2010, there would no longer be racial barriers, but there are and likely will be for some time to come.

One of my adoptive families has experienced racial prejudice within their community and with teachers of their children. That seems hard to grasp but it happens in America in the 21st century. Kudos to Sandra Bullock for being courageous enough to break through the racial taboos and just be a mom.

I have worked on some high profile or celebrity adoptions and there is always an assumption that high profile couples or even singles have an easier time adopting because they have money, or power, or influence, or all of the above. Sometimes, the exact opposite is true. Ms. Bullock began the adoption process four years ago. That is much longer than most adoptive families wait, depending upon preferences. Gender preferences can lengthen the wait considerably. Celebrities have more to contend with than just the typical home study and background check. They have to locate a birth mother who is willing to keep things quiet. Paparazzi can ruin the experience for a couple who is recognized wherever they go. Open adoptions are certainly possible for celebrity families but it's difficult to maintain a relationship with the birth mother if she is being stalked by the press. There are a host of challenges that typical adoptive families don't face.

Sandra Bullock is a case study in grace. She has had the highs and lows of her lifetime all in a period of a few short months. Without fanfare and without drama, she has handled her husband's infidelity with dignity and resolve. She is a woman who is an example for all women. Her attitude is empowering. Congratulations on your adoption, Sandra, and thanks for showing the world that you are an example of what you said when you accepted your Oscar, "Thank you to the moms that take care of the babies and the children no matter where they come from". Well said and well done.

Adoption Issues - And The Research Shows....

2010-04-26T20:24:00.000-07:00

Economists from the California Institute of Technology (CalTech), the London School of Economics, and New York University have conducted a formal study and have discovered what those of us in the adoption field have known for years. It's nice to know that our suspicions are validated! The researchers, in a study that lasted over a five year period, found that the study revealed several distinct patterns.

First, Non-African-American babies are seven times more likely to attract the interest of an American adoptive parent than an African-American baby. Second, female children are more attractive to adoptive parents overall than male children, by more than 33%. Thirdly, gestation comes into play. The interest of an adoptive family will increase with the length of gestation. In other words, children are more desirable if they are due immediately versus earlier in the pregnancy. The desirability of a child decreases after they are born and continues to decrease.

Anyone who works in the field of adoption knows that there is greater demand for girls and that it's harder to place minority children. Ironically, many birth moms do not have ultrasounds prior to choosing a family, so often the gender is unknown at the time of the match. For those waiting for specific genders - always more families waiting for girls than boys - it can be difficult to match when the gender is known in only a small percentage when matching. Of course, many find out later on the gender of the baby they are carrying, particularly if pre-natal care is started later on in the pregnancy. That doesn't help us in the matching process!

I have my own theories, but I would love to know the reason(s)that girls are in higher demand than boys. If you thought about carrying the family name, the opposite should be true. However, that is not the case with adoption. Almost always if an adoptive family has a boy, if they have a preference for their second child, it is for a girl. On the other hand, many adoptive families who have a girl want another girl, rather than a boy. The "ideal" family used to be described as Mom, Dad, a boy and a girl. Not so much these days.

The studies have shown that American parents pursuing adoption tend to avoid taking African-American babies and boys. When ultrasounds are done, boys are more easily identified (sometimes it's not easy to identify whether the child is a girl or a boy with undescended testes), so we see more identified boys or unidentified gender babies even when ultrasounds have been done. More irony - there is a higher demand for girls, but it's easier to identify boys. On top of that, more boys are being placed than girls and perhaps that equates to more boys being born than girls, since much of the time birth moms make the choice to make an adoption plan before they know the gender. An old wives tale says that "In a time of war, more baby boys are born to replace those males lost in battle". While we can wonder how Mother Nature would know that, it seems to ring true if you look at the birth rates. So we have more baby boys and minority babies, while the demand is for the opposite.

So, hats off to the researchers who found this phenomenon to be true. I'm going to e-mail them and ask why it's true! For those who are waiting for a specific gender baby, particularly girls, -- this is why it takes more time to find them.

Adoption Is Forever

2010-04-16T13:51:00.000-07:00

Last week, Nancy Hanson of Tennessee put her 7 year old adopted son, Justin, onto a plane to Russia with no more than a note and a goodbye. Upon landing in Russia, he showed up unannounced at the Child Protection Ministry. This set off an international investigation that may leave in limbo many American families who are already in the process of adopting in Russia. Russia has suspended adoptions to Americans until a new treaty is put into place with the U.S. Ms. Hansen, a single woman, defends her actions contending that the child was violent and she was concerned about her family's safety. The agency that assisted with the placement reported that as recently as February, they had spoken to Ms. Hanson and she had not indicated any problems. Ms. Hanson stated "It wasn't that he was just energetic and wearing us down, it was the violent tendencies and he had to be watched all the time". In my opinion, all children of that age must be "watched all the time". If he had violent tendencies at age 7, this is something that generally can be corrected with therapy.

There are conflicting stories. Ms. Hanson claims that once he learned English, Justin talked about being abused and beaten at the orphanage. Russian officials state that he has told them he was abused by his American family. He stated he was yelled at and his hair pulled. Ms. Hanson felt that the "final incident" that convinced her that she should send Justin back was when she caught him starting a fire with papers in his bedroom. That is a concern, but what child won't play with matches or lighters if they get the chance? They have to be taught not to do those things and this boy never had a chance. I find it telling that he had access to anything that would start a fire or that he wasn't supervised to the point of having time and means to do such a thing. Instead of a learning experience, this became another lesson in abandonment.

The U.S. government is troubled and is doing everything they can to repair the relationship with Russia's Child Protection Ministry and to minimize the damage our citizens have sustained to their reputations. Russians are viewing Americans as monsters who would callously abandon children. Investigators will have to determine if Ms. Hanson committed a crime. In my view, she did. Child abandonment, child endangerment, and many other child welfare laws may have been broken. Beyond that, she has broken a child's heart. Ms. Hanson had many options, including therapy, asking for the intervention of a social worker from the agency, and ultimately could have asked the agency to disrupt the adoption and place him with another American family who had the time and means to deal with the issues he presented. It has been reported that she was trying, at the same time, to adopt another Russian child.

I believe there is more to this story and that there are likely more issues with the mother than with the child. Regardless of whether you give birth or adopt a child, you don't stick a note on their shirt and send them off on a plane alone to face the world. Abandonment is an ugly word and an even uglier concept. This woman obviously did not take her commitment to this child seriously. If our children have problems, we deal with them. If our children are sick, we take care of them. A child so young has so much potential and instead of working with him to make his life better, she sent him packing. I wonder what that child's concept of "family" really is. I wonder how much this incident has harmed him, beyond what has happened to him before. I do believe he needed to be out of that situation. It is obvious he wasn't loved. Today is his birthday. Happy 8th birthday, Justin. Some of us Americans are sorry for what you have had to endure.

Adoption Issues - We're All Pro-choice

2010-03-25T19:52:00.000-07:00

Someone pointed out to me today that we're all pro-choice. Some of us are pro-life and some are pro-death, but we're all pro-choice. We each want our own choice. I worked in Labor & Delivery for seven years. For two of those years, I was a neonatal bereavement counselor. It was my job to go into a delivery room where a woman was either going to give birth to a deceased baby, one that would most certainly expire, or had already expired. It was my job to gently take the baby, give the baby a bath, take footprints and hand prints -- as tiny as they might have been. It was my job to photograph the baby in perspective -- next to a flower or a small reminder of how little that baby was. Then, I would dress the baby in something nice -- often doll clothes since preemies are sometimes no larger than the palm of your hand. The child would then be wrapped lovingly in a baby blanket and presented to the parents, so they could hold, be with, and grieve the loss of their baby. To say it was heart-wrenching is an understatement. I grieved my own losses, particularly my son Cody, who was also born deceased and very premature. I sat with Moms, Dads, Grandparents, and siblings and cried right along with them. So very precious was this life they lost. Anyone who has gone through such a trauma is pro-life. The death of a baby is such a devastating loss. A life unlived. It's so unnatural to be witness to an angel taking flight.

It's interesting that a baby born at 25 or 26 weeks can, with support and care, grow up to live a normal life. And yet, in many states, it is legal to abort a child of that gestational age. If you read the book "Gianna", it will give you insight as to what happens to babies when they are aborted. Gianna is a woman who was actually aborted, and lived to tell about it. After being burned by saline and forced from the uterus, she came out crying. The doctor put her aside, assuming she would die. When she didn't die after an hour, she was finally taken reluctantly to a hospital. She was burned by the saline abortion and because of the trauma and forced prematurity, she suffered cerebral palsy. She was adopted and has lived as full a life as one can with cerebral palsy. She is sharp as a tack. She wrote a book. How can anyone advocate for the right to hurt a child? I've known people in the past who would save a puppy or rescue a kitten and would criticize someone for dumping a litter off the side of the road to die. And yet they advocated for abortion.

If you drink and drive and you run into someone who is pregnant and you kill their unborn child, case law indicates that you can be held accountable for manslaughter and even second degree murder. Yet, if that very same woman continues on down the road to an abortion clinic and allows the life of her child to be taken, we are told, "It's a choice". Not much of a choice for the baby. We have double standards.
Why is it that the very same baby can be viewed as a precious family member and as an expendable nuisance depending upon circumstances? Who should get to play God?

So, when all of this debate in Congress centers around tax dollars (mine and yours) being allocated for abortion at will (which is what the law reads, despite what is being sold to us as a Presidential over-ride), I have to object. I spent too much time comforting those who lost the opportunity to parent. There are too many more who want to parent the unborn who may be, at a cost to us, discarded and thrown in the trash. It's tragic, it's senseless, and it's costing us so much - financially, emotionally, and spiritually. It's like the bumper sticker that says, "Abortion - One dead, one wounded". The mother doesn't walk away unscathed. Often I talk to women who are now considering adoption because they have aborted before and can't reconcile that with their conscience. A woman once told me, "I will never be able to forgive myself and I hate myself for what I did". Post-abortion, women look down at the babies they have and they think to themselves, "That was one of them. What did I do?". Some have a very hard time forgiving themselves. Abortion providers are so quick to identify the problem as "pregnancy tissue" or "products of conception" -- very sterile terms for a beating heart, don't you think? As Americans, we can't claim to the rest of the world to be humanitarians if we are killing our own babies. Yes, that sounds harsh, but isn't that what is happening? There will always be exceptions to every rule, but those should be offered by physicians trying to save a life that may be in the balance. Outside of that, there are better options.

Congressman Bart Stupak sold out. Supposedly a vehement pro-lifer, his vote was the tipping point. I wonder what he was promised by our President in order to get him to reverse his stance, compromise his ethics, and vote for a bill that states abortion should be available to those who want it and should be covered by health care insurance paid for by taxpayers? Back door deals and dirty politics are now the norm. How did we get to the point in this country where the votes of the congressmen who are supposed to be representing the people are bought and sold? And at what price? Very simply - the price of a life. No, make that millions of lives. Innocent lives.

I have seen and attended many births. I have worked in a newborn nursery. I have been present in adoption situations for support during delivery. I've never seen a baby and felt "That one should have been aborted". Not once. Not every baby is what you may consider "perfect". But what I have found is that every baby is perfect for someone. I will never support having my tax dollars or my business' tax dollars go for abortion at will. The fact that this is "the law of the land" -- my land -- is sickening to me. I would love to be able to support our President, but I can't. Mr. Obama claims to be Christian, but supports the right to choose death and wants me to pay for it. I find that hypocritical and offensive. How is that my choice?

Adoption Issues - Older Child Adoptions

2010-03-16T14:43:00.001-07:00

In the past, most of the adoptions we have assisted with have been for newborns. When the economy went South, we anticipated having more than the average amount of newborn adoptions, simply because birth mothers generally place because they are not in a good place financially and can't manage working and paying for day care for a newborn and possibly other children. That problem would be increased with job losses and the lack of financial support from other sources. However, it hasn't worked out that way, but rather the birth rate has gone down and abortions are up. It's possible that many birth moms who place their infants for adoption start out at a place where they think "Perhaps I can do this" and only find out later in the pregnancy that they can't (father has disappeared or income has changed) and they decide to go forward with an adoption plan. In recent months, knowing that they can't manage because of the lack of a job and the pressures of trying to support kids in the current economic environment, some tend to opt for abortion. All it all, it seems that everyone is being more careful about unplanned pregnancy because of economic hard times. Perhaps that is why the birth rate is the lowest since the Great Depression.

However, we are seeing a trend we didn't anticipate -- the voluntary placement of older children. There are older children in the system and that has always been the case, because they are removed from homes where there is abuse or neglect. They go into foster care until it is decided that they may be adopted. Now we are seeing birth moms who wouldn't normally place their children choose to make an private adoption plan. Financial hardship is affecting already established families in a way we didn't anticipate as well. For a mom to go to work, she needs day care for her children. If she is single and has three or four kids, the cost of day care can be higher than her earnings. Welfare doesn't cover all of their needs. This leaves them with no way out, except to consider placing one or more of their children for adoption, so that they can get on their feet, work, and support themselves and their other children. This doesn't typically happen when there is only one child or the parent is not overwhelmed. This can be a heartbreaking reality for some women. It's not a choice they would normally make, but one they are faced with nonetheless.

Open adoption is more difficult when a child is old enough to remember a parent. On one hand, you don't want them to feel abandoned. On the other hand, they will tend not to adjust and feel a part of a new family if they are waiting for their birth mother to come back for them. It seems cruel to give them that hope when the adoption plan has been made and they will be integrated into a new family. A child of three or four is old enough for an explanation that they can understand. Siblings should be considered as well. Once a child has been allowed to integrate into the new family, then after a period of time, the relationship with the birth mother can be re-established. Of course birth mom and adoptive family should keep in touch in the meantime. It's just important for the child to be allowed to adjust and gain his or her place in the family, so that they feel like a family member, not a guest in someone's home.

Older child adoption is much more complex than infant adoption. A child may need therapy to adjust and accept a new life. While they are adjusting, it's best to move slowly and easily through the changes, rather than rocking their world with a name change or a completely foreign situation. They should be allowed to have their comforts -- their toys and loveys (a blanket, favorite stuffed animal, a pacifier, or whatever they cherish). If their name is to be changed, it should be gradual. Can you imagine going by your name one day and all of a sudden having people call you by something totally different the next? That would be a bit like being in the Twilight Zone. It can be very disorienting for a young child.

For those considering older child adoption, it is a good thing to offer a child a loving, stable home. But keep in mind that it is a gradual adjustment. A psychologist once told me that for every year (or month) that a child has lived outside of your home, it will take them that long to adjust to being in your family once they get inside your home. So for a two year old, that means two years. That's a long adjustment time, but it's realistic. A child under the age of a year will adjust more quickly. A child of three or four will have memories to contend with and insecurities about being moved again. It takes a lot of patience but, for those who have patience to offer, can be very rewarding indeed.

Adoption Issues - Minority Births Trending Upward

2010-03-10T18:59:00.000-08:00

Demographics play a big part in adoption. For instance, when we are doing ad placements, we look for areas of lower income because that's where the need for adoption starts. In the current economy, it's not hard to imagine people struggling to support the kids they have, especially with the level of unemployment. So, when an unexpected pregnancy occurs, the options range from parenting to abortion to adoption. If parenting isn't an option due to finances or other reasons, then there is only abortion or adoption. The down sides to abortion are many, from medical complications to the psychological toll it takes on the mother and those around her. Many couples have split up because of abortions. It starts with the stress and ends in a blame game. With adoption, while there is still some grieving, there can be a positive outcome. Giving a baby life is no small miracle.

Demographics also play a big part in the choices adoptive couples make. Some families adopt to complete their family. Those families typically want a child that looks like them and fits nicely into the family. Other families want to save a child. They go to China or Guatemala or adopt a minority baby from the U.S. In a historic trend, minority children are being born at a greater rate than Caucasian infants. In 2008, the most recent figures available, "minority" babies made up 48% of all the births in the U.S. These figures have gone up consistently over the past 40 years. With the upcoming census, we'll likely learn that the minority has become the majority with over 50% of national births occurring to Latino/Hispanic and African-American women. While the rate of minority births has increased so dramatically, the rate of births among Caucasian women is the lowest it has been since the Great Depression. While that seems astounding, we all know what happened at the end of the Great Depression -- The Baby Boom!

What does this mean in the scope of adoption? As an adoption professional, I find that families waiting for Caucasian infants are waiting longer on average than they have in the past. Those who are open to children of minority races tend to have more options and, on average, wait a shorter time. Averages being averages, there are always people on either end of the spectrum. Those waiting 18 months are not going to understand why someone else gets chosen in three. Many factors play a part in that from race to common interest or even similarities. The common denominator in all of them is that the birth mother makes the choices. An adoption professional gives choices, but doesn't make the choice for the birth mother. So, while families wait, they don't get chosen in order. The positive aspect of that is that when a family is chosen by a birth mother, she's choosing them for a reason and that reason is what bonds her to them more closely than if she were just told "This is the family who will adopt your baby". The failure rate of placements goes down as the birth mother's choices go up.

In adoption, there are a preponderance of families waiting for Caucasian infants. And now, there is a preponderance of minority babies. So that leaves people waiting and that's never easy. As an adoption professional, it makes my job tougher because you can't please all the people all the time. As much as we try, the tools we are given are "mismatched". I would never advise someone to adopt a baby of another race unless they were fully prepared to do so. Perhaps your adoption journey brings you full circle and you feel like you can open up to other races. Perhaps not. I believe that when a child can be placed with families that include their own race, or at least exposed to others of their race on a regular basis, that's helpful for their sense of belonging and familial culture. However, trans-racial adoption can be a beautiful thing as well. The more open to different ethnic backgrounds and races we are, the more potential matches we can make with birth parents and adoptive parents. Until the ratio of adoptable babies of any race is comparatively the same as the available adoptive parents of that race, there will be some families waiting longer than others.

Another Loss Due to a Sexual Predator

2010-03-08T14:30:00.001-08:00

In the headlines today, another young woman's body has been found. Amber Dubois disappeared a little over a year ago while walking to her high school in Escondido. She was only 14. Her family had held out hope that somehow, somewhere she was still alive. Jaycee Dugard's story, while tragic, made them feel that it was possible that Amber could be alive. On Saturday, those hopes were dashed when her body was found in a remote area of San Diego County. Just days ago, the body of Chelsea King was found in a similar area. A registered sex offender, John Albert Gardner III, was arrested in connection with Chelsea's murder and is currently being investigated in the disappearance of Amber as well. He lived with his mother in the same area during the time Amber went missing. Gardner lived recently in Lake Elsinore, California, a community in the area in which I live and work. Over the past few months, we have been periodically called with the Lake Elsinore Unified School District warning that there was a predator lurking around schools and accosting girls. A few times, abductions were attempted and one time he exposed himself to students waiting at a bus stop. The picture provided looks remarkably like Mr. Gardner.

When will it end? This is such an easy fix! If someone qualifies as a registered sex offender, they should not be on the street. We need to be considering chemical or medical castration for these individuals, as well as long-term incarceration. Some may call that "cruel and unusual punishment". However, what those girls endured went beyond that. If we can save one child from these predators, then it would be worth all the tax dollars we spend to keep them in jail for life. There are murderers on death row who killed in a fit of rage or vengeance. They are a lot less dangerous to society than the ones who kill for their own selfish pleasure. And yet, sex offenders get a couple of years and a slap on the wrist and out they go to do it again and again. The recidivism rate is higher in sexual crimes than in another other type of crime. In the case of Mr. Gardner, a psychologist had recommended he not be released because it was felt that he would re-offend. So it was known that he was a danger. And one, two, or possibly more families are paying the price for the bad judgment that put him back out on the street.

How important are our daughters, our children? Our representatives need to know. They need to be bombarded with demands for legislation that will castrate and commit these people for life or for long enough that they could never again endanger a child -- your child, my child, anyone's child. Please take a moment and write one letter, and then encourage everyone else you know to write at least one letter to the people who are supposed to protect and serve us.

Adoption Issues - There Is No "Safe Haven"

2010-03-05T13:52:00.000-08:00

Back in 2001, California enacted it's version of the "Safe Haven" law, which has been put into place in almost all 50 states. It was implemented in order to allow women who couldn't parent for whatever reason, and presumably couldn't tell anyone, to place their children in a safe place at a police or fire station or hospital, with no questions asked. While at least 331 babies (according to the California Department of Social Services) have been saved by this law, countless others have died even with it in place. The question begs..."Why would anyone abandon or put their child in a trash dumpster when the obvious solution is so available?". This week, in Redondo Beach, California, a young lady age 24 who was attending a party excused herself to a bedroom because she felt "uncomfortable". A few hours later, she left to go home. She left behind her 6 lb. newborn daughter outside in a trash barrel - an ordinary trash receptacle awaiting pick up at the street. This was done just blocks from a local fire station, where she could have placed the baby and sounded a bell so that someone would come and get her and keep her safe.

I think we all want to know the answers. It's hard to imagine giving birth in a bedroom while people are partying in a home and not being noticed or notifying anyone. It's hard to imagine going through that without asking for help. While the mother states that she had no idea she was pregnant, when she finally figured out she was having a baby, wouldn't she want some assistance? An ambulance? A Hospital? Not if she planned to dispose of her baby. It seems far-fetched that with such elaborate planning, she didn't know what she was doing or that she was pregnant. While Post Traumatic Stress Disorder has been mentioned as a cause for this behavior, I find it difficult to accept. The more in shock a person is, the more they need help making decisions. They don't plot and plan when they are in shock.

Jessica Canfield was booked for investigation of murder after it was determined that she gave birth to the infant girl who was found under trash in a container that was too heavy for the garbage truck to lift. As a result, sanitation workers got out to investigate and found the infant. I'm not sure it will ever be possible to understand the reasons behind the actions of Jessica and others like her. Despite laws put in place to protect infants and shield reluctant mothers from judgment, scrutiny, or even discovery, we are still finding infants in trash cans. I wonder how many have gone undiscovered?

Adoption Issues - The Economic Impact on Adoption

2010-02-28T11:37:00.000-08:00

Over the 15 years I have been doing adoptions, private independent adoption has changed a great deal. Part of that may just be evolution, but the economy has played a huge part in changing the scope of domestic adoption. Many of us involved in adoptions believed that with a poor economy, we would have more adoptions. Birth mothers who were having trouble with finances would have to face some tough decisions with the economy getting worse and worse. On the contrary, what actually happened was that the birth rate went down and the abortion rate went up. While current statistics are showing an increase in teen pregnancy, not many teens actually place their babies for adoption. If they are not prepared to parent, their parents are typically young enough to help. Those who would be birth parents in a better economic time are simply opting not to get pregnant or to abort if they do. I think that someone who may have considered parenting and then realized that financially they couldn't do it, are not getting that far now. They know right up front that they can't do it financially (who can?), so they are more careful not to have an accidental pregnancy or they opt for the alternative. The actual birth rate today is at the lowest it has been since the great depression.

What does this mean? It means that independent private adoptions are slow everywhere. I just finished reading an article which detailed the closure of an adoption agency in England that had been in operation for 45 years. They just don't have the adoption rates that they used to have and they can't pay their bills or afford to stay in business. That has happened here too. Last year, some major adoption agencies closed their doors. One of them, Commonwealth Adoptions, had offices in multiple states and was a longstanding agency.

How has this impacted waiting families? Families are understandably distressed with the longer wait. Some are looking to multiple avenues, but are still hitting dead ends. All of our families will eventually adopt, but the waits are longer than they were in years past. That said, for every action there is an opposite -- a reaction. At some point, the economy will turn around, things will get back to normal and, if history is any indicator, we'll have a baby boom. (We're all waiting for that!)

One of the outcomes of this new economic situation is that women who never thought that they would place their children are facing such difficult financial times, they are placing older children. We have had a number of such placements over the past year and we are currently working on placing 3 year old twins. For those families waiting to adopt, some have opted to consider children older than newborn. There are many things to consider with older children that do not come into play with infants. More on older child adoption tomorrow...

The Gender Selection Debate

2010-02-18T12:55:00.000-08:00

My blog post a couple of days ago regarding "What to Expect When Someone Else is Expecting" generated more mail to me than I generally get from my blog posts. This is a good thing, since it gets people thinking. I think it's important for adoptive parents who are waiting to know that they are not alone, that their feelings are valid, and that they are not going crazy. The feelings they have are normal and natural under the circumstances they face. One of the things discussed that generates a little more controversy is the issue of gender selection. While it can take longer for someone to find that perfect match when are being gender specific, it's just a matter of knowing that and going into the process with realistic expectations. I want to clarify that I am supportive of our families who are gender-specific.

There are those who don't believe gender selection should be an option. When we give birth, we don't have that option. However, people want specific genders for very personal reasons. "We want a boy because we don't know if we'll ever be able to have another child and we want to carry on the name"...or "We want a girl because we have a daughter and want her to know the joy of having the close bond a sister would bring", or "We just feel that there is a boy who is meant to be in our family". There are many, many reasons someone may want to have a specific gender. As I mentioned to one of my adoptive parents recently, I actually wanted a girl every time I got pregnant. In four pregnancies, I got three boys and a tom boy. I never got the girly-girl I so desired (waiting for the grandchild who wants to play with barbies!). Would I trade any of them for a girly-girl? No, of course not, but I do understand the desire. In life, as in pregnancy, childbirth, or adoption...we sometimes have preferences. I don't think that's wrong. We have preferences in many other areas of our lives and we should acknowledge that. I think it's fine to strive for your goals. After a while of waiting, if the gender becomes less important to you, then you can change your mind and expand your options. Many of my families have done that in the past. If they truly wanted a specific gender, then that's what they went home with in the end. If their priorities changed, then whatever baby ended up in their arms was loved and wanted and the reasons that child came into the family became crystal clear.

While I don't believe it's wise to mess with mother nature in ways that could cause more problems than solutions (trying to segregate sperm before fertilization), I do believe that gender selection can be one little bonus of adopting. Adoptive parents generally have gone through a very tough process to get to where they are. They likely had infertility, failed procedures, or worse, failed pregnancies that resulted in miscarriage or fetal demise. I've been down that road and losing a child carries unimaginable grief that can't be explained in words to those who haven't experienced it. It's not easy. Then, they start the adoption process and there are additional hurdles, from expense to self-promotion. There are a lot of negatives associated with adoption from that perspective. So, if there is a positive, it's that a family can be a little more specific and end up with their dream child. I don't think there is anything wrong with that and, while it's a bit harder to find, I know that the children benefit because they are so wanted and so adored.

So, for these reasons, while gender selection can be a big challenge for adoption professionals, and some won't even try, we do. I have found, over years of personal "research", that babies tend to find their way to the right home, no matter the gender or the gender preference. If you prefer a boy and, through circumstances beyond anyone's control, you end up with a girl, you will fall in love instantly anyway. I think God's plan takes effect in adoption just as it does in giving birth -- maybe even more so. In this big puzzle of life, there is a place for each little puzzle piece and only one piece of the puzzle that fits. And while some might find that piece quickly, for others the search is long and arduous. The payoff is that, with patience, the puzzle will eventually be complete.

How Important is Culture in Trans-Racial Adoption?

2010-02-17T13:06:00.000-08:00

These days, many children of color are adopted by Caucasian parents. The fact is, there just aren't enough black families out there to adopt the infants that are available for adoption -- a reversal of the situation for white infants. While every effort is made to place children in homes of the same race, sometimes that's just not possible. Rather than allowing these children to languish in foster care or encourage abortion among minorities, there are loving families who choose to adopt trans-racially. Regardless of parents, every child should have a healthy sense of identity -- of who they are, both as a person and as a part of a larger society. As parents, we can give them security, love, and a sense of who they are morally. If we are of a different race, giving them a sense of their racial identities, their culture, and their history is a bigger challenge.

A few years ago, I had the opportunity to meet comedian Tommy Davidson. He had been invited to participate in a Donnie & Marie Show about adoption that featured a couple of our adoptive families. Tommy told a wonderful story of growing up within a white family in what he called "the blackest city in America", Washington, D.C. He recalled that the children at his school were biased against whites and taunted his siblings. He came home from school one day distraught about his siblings being called "cracker", to find out that he was adopted. Now that sounds pretty funny, and it was the way he told the story, but it was his reality. He grew up in a family of privilege and obviously had every opportunity to thrive and prosper as he did. However, that didn't mask the fact that he felt abandoned by his own black community and by his African-American mother.

In our not to distant past, trans-racial adoptions simply weren't allowed. As they evolved, adoptive parents wanted to believe that "love conquers all" and that culture wasn't as important as a loving home for a child. The fact is that it's much more complex than that. Culture and racial awareness are deeply embedded issues in trans-racial or multi-cultural adoption. Bi-racial children may have an even harder time adapting culturally because they are torn between two worlds and are exposed to one more than the other. They need to belong to both races, while neither totally accepts them.

It's important for families with children of multiple races or a race other than their own to expose the children to art, books, toys, and music that are directly related to their own culture. Monica, one of our adoption coordinators, and her husband have adopted trans-racially. Their two children are full Hispanic and they are Caucasian. One of the things they have done to expose their sons to their Hispanic roots is to take them to a church where most of the congregation is Hispanic and there is a Spanish service. Exposing them to bi-lingual people of their own heritage enables them to blend and connect with others like themselves. This is invaluable for a sense of self-awareness, which translates to self-esteem. The boys are being taught to embrace their culture and who they are.

As much as we would like to see ourselves as "color blind", there really is no such thing. To pretend that there are no color divides is to deny entire cultures. It's better to accept our differences than to ignore them and pretend they aren't there. Children who have been exposed to their own cultures and traditions, intertwined with traditions of their adoptive families and others, are much more able to navigate their ever-changing world. Racial education and awareness is what will eventually lead to true tolerance in our society. Instead of teaching that diversity divides us, we should be teaching that diversity should be embraced. Perhaps our children will teach us.

What to Expect When Someone Else Is Expecting

2010-02-16T10:52:00.000-08:00

Adoption is nothing like giving birth. If you get pregnant, you know approximately when the baby will arrive. You plan, you set up a nursery, and it's just a waiting game. You read baby books and you get advice from other moms and you prepare. It's much more difficult to prepare when you are waiting...and waiting, with no end in sight. Adoption is a leap of faith. You put yourself out there and you wait and you hope. There is no road map. There is no sign saying "the end of the road is just two months away". It could be a month, a year, or more. It is difficult to wait when you don't have any clue how long the wait will take. For those who have experienced a failure, for whatever reason, the wait seems to start over. That can lead to some serious doubts, sadness, and even depression. When that inevitable invitation for a baby shower arrives, it's more than some can take -- especially when the person having the baby didn't plan for it or is a young person who is essentially not ready to parent. It seems so unfair. But, life isn't fair. We all know that.

As a mom who has had six miscarriages and a stillbirth, I can assure you that life isn't fair. How do you deal with the misplaced comments that only serve to make it worse? Most of us hide our feelings and soldier on like good little mommies. You go to the baby showers and you grit your teeth, or you stay home and feel guilty because you can't go without reducing yourself to a puddle of tears, and how would that go over at the happy event? It's not a fun place to be -- in between that rock and hard place. So what do you do and how do you cope?

First, you be good to yourself and you be true to yourself. Your feelings are valid and you have a right to feel sad. That said, you don't want to let it completely take over your world and envelope your everyday life. Take the time to do a little pampering -- once you're a mom that won't happen much! Get an occasional massage and make sure you have a pedicure every now and then. Use whatever works for you to remain positive -- listen to motivational tapes, talk to good friends, keep your spirits high and remember that you have some great things coming in your future. There is a time for every purpose under Heaven. It's almost impossible not to let it get to you, but when it threatens to take over your thoughts, turn to positive reinforcement. I truly believe (and have seen examples of) the universe sending back what you put out there. When people are positive and have faith that good things will come to them, it happens. If you are in a dark place, that tends to perpetuate itself and whether you realize it or not, the universe responds.

That may sound like some serious hokey-pokey to some, but I have seen it play out in my adoptive families on a regular basis. A couple of years ago, I received a call from a potential adoptive mom. She had been on edge and ready to snap for some time. She wanted a child so badly she could taste it. She called me up one day and said, "I've had it!". I thought she was about to throw in the towel. Then she said some magic words. "I have to let this go and just let God". "I tell everyone about my faith and then I look at myself and I wonder where that faith is. I am going to have faith that this baby is going to come in his or her time and I am going to get on with my life". I told her that I thought that was a very healthy way to handle it. Enjoy your sleep because it won't last forever! Two weeks later we got the call that would change her life and she adopted her son that very week. I really don't think that's coincidence. I know it's hard to wait and to watch while everyone who shouldn't be having babies has one. It's hard to feel that you were meant to be a mom, but find that your arms are empty and there is no baby in sight. I don't believe God puts such a strong desire for a baby or a child in your heart, if there are no plans to fulfill it. Our time is not always the same time.

So, you have to honor your own feelings. If you can't go to that baby shower, don't go. But, remember, there will be a time when it's your turn. Perhaps that's a time to reach out to someone else you know that may be feeling the very same way. We have a tendency to be all-encompassed by our own feelings and situations. These days, adoptions are taking longer for many of those want-to-be parents out there. That part is not within our control, so I think that's where faith comes in. Be ready, be positive, and be true to yourself, and see what happens.

Ethiopian Adoption Scam?

2010-02-15T19:56:00.000-08:00

I read with interest today a story by CBS concerning a particular Ethiopian adoption in which three sisters were adopted by a family who were told they were 7, 6, and 4. They turned out to be 13, 11, and 6 and most of what they had been told was not consistent with the story the children gave them. CBS News reported that "Some American Agencies and their staff engage in highly questionable conduct". They were apparently referring to the agency cited in their story -- Christian World Adoption. I don't know anything about that particular agency, but ironically a friend of mine came home just this weekend with her Ethiopian children. She stated that the conditions they were living in were horrid and that there was mold on the walls and the orphanage was nothing more than a hut. The babies are small and under-nourished and in need of a great deal of TLC. They hadn't even been held and were in need of antibiotics and treatment for severe diaper rash.

The fact is, in third world countries where there is no Hague accreditation, there is no oversight of these orphanages or agencies there. It's true that there are American agencies who are not above board. The same can be said of anything or any profession. The bigger problem is what is going on behind the scenes in these foreign countries. Foreign facilitators are taking money from multiple U.S. agencies and are not putting it back into their facilities. They are essentially lining their pockets while the children are left to languish in conditions that you wouldn't allow your dog to live in. It's no wonder, then, that if they feel they can earn more for each placement, they may consider acquiring children in less than legitimate ways.

Some would say that no matter how the children are retrieved, they will have a much better life being adopted into foreign households where they will be treated well, fed, and clothed. But where do we draw the line? There have to be measures taken so that there is no incentive for these adoption brokers to do more and more in order to get rich, while the children suffer. I would love to go to Ethiopia and renovate an orphanage so that the children would have a clean, safe place to live while they await adoption. However, if those who run the orphanage are making thousands of dollars each week, then why aren't they improving the conditions themselves?

Hague compliant countries are on the right track, but what about the countries that are not Hague compliant? What are we going to do about that? It would be easy to say just stop all adoptions until they get everything in order, but the children would be the ones paying the price. This is a bigger problem than anyone can imagine without seeing it. I think this is one for Anderson Cooper.

The Tragedy of Child Trafficking

2010-01-27T16:50:00.001-08:00

We've received dozens of calls concerning the situation in Haiti and the possibility that Haitian orphans might be available. While some of the people who already had adoptions in the works have been able to bring their children home, anyone who is now hoping to adopt a Haitian orphan will likely have to wait a long time and then go through the same long process as before. CNN reported this afternoon that in an interview, the President of Haiti stated that Haitian children were being trafficked for not only the purposes of adoption, but also for more sinister reasons such as child prostitution and organ harvesting. While this has yet to be proven, it's not hard to imagine that within such desperation and chaos, these things could happen. There are predators and opportunists everywhere.

What does this mean? It means that UNICEF and WHO, and the governmental agencies of Haiti, the U.S. and many other countries will need to take a long hard look at the process of moving children out of Haiti, even if it is into good homes here in the U.S. or in other countries. It will have to be ascertained beyond a doubt that the child(ren) in question are, indeed, orphans. While many children were orphaned by the quake, many more were simply separated from relatives. Perhaps some had parents who died and they were left to wander helplessly until they found someone who would watch over them. Some are living on the streets with other children. In many cases, the children are separated from one parent or other relatives who lived through the quake but were perhaps elsewhere. The process of determining who these children are and if they still have living relatives will be long and arduous. The paperwork will be endless and the time will march on while they are in orphanages or being cared for by others. There is no system in place.

These children, like all children, deserve a home to grow up in and the security of parents who love them. The reality is that, because of these new allegations and the very real possibility that there is at least some trafficking going on, children and families will have to wait to make adoption a reality for them. It's important for someone to oversee that the right children are leaving Haiti for better homes. Unfortunately, because there is no viable system in place, it will take way too much time. Some will die. Some will outgrow the adoption process. Others will be forever damaged by the carnage they've seen, the abuse they have endured, and the lack of food and necessities of life.

I have been encouraged by the outpouring of empathy and consideration for the Haitian people. Interestingly, before this, we received very few calls seeking to adopt children of color. Maybe the one blessing in this very sad and tragic situation in Haiti is that, seeing these children as the beautiful children they are, people who hadn't previously considered it will open their hearts to children of other races. Those children are right here in the U.S. There are plenty of African-American children who need homes and they don't need to be in the system.

I think it's honorable and necessary to help other nations, especially where children are concerned. But in this case, there are children at home that need our help as well. Anyone interested in adopting a child of color can do it sooner, with less cost, and less effort right here in America. You can make a difference in the life of a child without going very far.

China's Secret Adoption Trade

2010-01-24T15:02:00.000-08:00

I am a proponent of adoption over abortion and, as you likely already know, I facilitate adoption on a daily basis. I receive a lot of calls about foreign adoption and while I have encouraged some to go that route, I have always felt that China was not the answer. China's one child policy has spawned moral and ethical dilemmas and the deaths of many Chinese girls. It is reported that within ten years, there will be such a shortage of Chinese women for the men to marry that they are already being encouraged to find foreign brides. In China, there is no social security. What that means is that in their old age, parents must be supported by their children. Traditionally the breadwinners were the boys and they also carried the family name. So with the policy being one child only, the preference was to have a boy, or suffer in your old age.

The government was known to crack down on people who had more than one child, particularly the farmers, who needed multiple children to help them with their farms. If someone disobeyed the law, they lost their jobs or their family members lost their jobs. In some cases, they were harassed and even had their homes destroyed. It was powerful motivation not to have girls. Because it is illegal in China to abandon a baby anywhere, families would leave them in quiet dark places like along farm roads or in dark alleys. Some were found. Many died.

In recent times, with ultrasounds available, sex selection is the norm. Girl babies are aborted. Before ultrasounds were available, a female child would simply be delivered and placed face down in a bucket of water to drown. The word "humanitarian" doesn't come to mind when I think of China. They kill their own.

Recently, a child trafficker who was released from prison gave his account of what goes on. Apparently orphanages in China pay hefty sums for baby girls because the foreign demand is so high. It's a for-profit venture selling Chinese baby girls. Ironically, with adoption there is more demand for girls at the rate of perhaps 8 out of 10 families who prefer a specific gender choosing females. That is a topic for another day. I encourage you to read this article yourself and come to your own conclusions:

http://www.wgntv.com/news/la-fg-china-adopt24-2010jan24,0,6173934.story?page=2&track=rss

China needs to clean up their act. However, until foreign countries stop adopting from China, there will be no incentive to do so. In the meantime, baby girls die and baby girls are kidnapped and sold to an orphanage and subsequently a family. Yes, they end up with a good life, but is it fair or moral to encourage the practice of taking them from families who love them and don't want to give them up? China may need a one child policy, but if they want to put those kinds of restrictions on families, they need to make a plan for the aged that doesn't involve having only boys. I could accept the one child rule for population control if everyone were to have whatever child God sent them -- boy or girl. Sterilization is a much more acceptable practice than abortion.

Americans have had the reputation of going anywhere on humanitarian missions to help out. We don't restrict our gifts to just our own country. We, and other nations, must put pressure on China to change their practices or we need to shut down all adoptions from China. We shouldn't adopt kidnapped babies and we shouldn't support abandonment of unwanted infants. If we continue to support the policies that cause harm to children, particularly girls, then we are as guilty as they are. China has no one to blame when they have no one for their sons to marry.

It's Happening in Haiti

2010-01-18T11:08:00.000-08:00

What can I say about the situation in Haiti? It's mind-boggling and atrocious. Looking from the perspective of a helicopter over the scene, it is rubble -- each house and building pancaked like the next. It would be a huge challenge for a community in our country to overcome. How can the Haitians, who had nothing to begin with, recover from this? Listening to the news last night, I was struck by the fact that in Port au Prince, a city of two million, even before the quake there was not even one ambulance. Perhaps this quake was a wake up call to the rest of us that, even in modern times, people are living without the very basic necessities. We have to help. We are all really one nation - the nation of humanity. I am glad to see that the powers of the world are coming together to help this island nation, but saddened that it is taking too long. During the interim, people are dying. There are people still, almost a week later, trapped alive in some of those buildings. Some are uninjured in elevators or supermarket refrigerators or bank vaults -- the only fortified portions of the buildings that collapsed. I think it might be more horrifying to live for a week without someone coming to help you than it would be to die in the initial quake. It's happening.

This could happen here. I live in California, on the ring of fire. We have earthquakes often. They are small tremors and an occasional sizable shaker, but when the San Andreas fault ruptures, we will have widespread devastation. Perhaps it won't be like Haiti because our building codes are better, but when and 8.0 hits (100 times stronger than the 7.0 that hit Haiti), building codes aren't going to matter much. This could be us. Can you imagine having a baby in the circumstances that are now going on in Haiti? It's happening.

The orphanages in Haiti were understaffed and ill-equipped to begin with. Now, there are children living in the street, sleeping in the street, with nothing to eat or drink. There are no diapers. Can you imagine two young American girls in their early 20's managing an entire orphanage and trying to care for 50 children under these circumstances. It's happening.

I want to urge everyone who reads this to write and phone and e-mail your congresspeople, representatives, and senators. Donate money if you have it, but that's not enough. We need to get the orphans out of Haiti and to a place of shelter. Whether it is for permanent adoption or just for the time being so that they will be safe and won't have to look at the dead in the streets and the dogs who are eating the corpses because they aren't being fed either. At the moment, Haiti is Hades. It's Hell on earth. Awful things that most of us can not imagine are happening. Children should not have to endure such hell. There has been some assistance and a few of the children have been given permission to leave. All adoption paperwork has been lost, but there are families waiting to take those children and love them. What is more important -- paperwork or lives? Thousands of people are being placed in mass graves and no one will ever know who they are or where some disappeared to. That paperwork will never exist. So why not get the orphans out now, with or without paperwork? That's the humanitarian thing to do. Children are dying in Haiti. Some died during the earthquake, but many will die after it without the food, shelter, and medical care that is needed. It's happening.

Happy New Year

2010-01-12T17:08:00.000-08:00

2010 - Who would have thought it would be here so fast? Weren't we just talking about Y2K and worrying about our computers crashing at the stroke of the new millenium? No one knows what to call 2010. Do we call it "Two thousand ten" or "twenty ten"? My vote goes for twenty ten. If we call it two thousand ten, we doom ourselves to beginning each year of this new decade with "two thousand". And what happens when we get to the next century? It will get tedious to refer to the year as "two thousand one hundred thirty six". Better just to say 20-36, don't you think? So 20-10 (twenty-ten) it is. We refer to each decade as "the nineties", "the sixties", or "the new millineum". So where are we now? The teens? The tweens? It's all very confusing.

At any rate, I would like to wish everyone a very happy New Year. I'm looking forward to a fresh start and a change in the economy for 2010. I try not to make resolutions that I will most certainly break, like losing weight (yuck), but a friend of mine sent me a short video that made me want to make a resolution to just enjoy the journey.

http://www.dashpoemmovie.com/

I wish everyone their heart's desire. Mine is simply to live a better life, spend time with my family and fiance, and build other families through adoption.

The Glamorization of Teen Motherhood

2009-12-28T15:19:00.000-08:00

Often times potential adoptive parents assume that their birth mother will be a teen mom. They are surprised to learn that our average birth mom is 29 and already has two children. The teen pregnancy rate has risen since 2006 in the U.S. (in comparison to Canada, where teen pregnancy has dropped 38% since 1994). Shows on television and movies tend to glamorize teen pregnancy and in recent years there has been very little, if any, social pressure on teens to avoid pregnancy. The pregnancy of Jamie Lynn Spears of "Zoey 101" and the movie "Juno", as well as other popular celebrities have desensitized us to the down side of having a baby while still so young. Our new social norm is acceptance of teen pregnancy. In 2006, 441,832 babies were born to teen moms in the U.S. That is a staggering number. The fact is, most teen moms don't place their babies for adoption, they parent. MTV has chronicled teen pregnancy in a number of shows, including "16 and Pregnant". Their most recent reality show which showcases teens who are parents is entitled "Teen Mom". Some of the teens featured have expressed a desire to show other teens how difficult parenting is as a single teen. Typically, even those who have partners end up parenting alone after the stressors and demands of parenting cause the partners to fight and part ways. Statistics show that most teen relationships don't last, despite the intense feelings and passion.

While the teen pregnancy rate has gone up, so has the incidence of abortions. The adoption rate has gone down during the same period of time. Rather than interrupting their own teen years and their education with the responsibilities of parenthood and adult decisions, we should be promoting education to prevent pregnancy and, if it happens, adoption as an acceptable means to take responsibility for what has occurred. I would love to see adoption profiled on television, and normalized to the extent that teen pregnancy has been. While it's not good for any teen to have to experience childbirth and everything that goes with it, adoption can be a win-win-win situation, with the birth parents moving forward to their own goals, childless or infertile couples being given the opportunity to have a family, and most of all, the baby landing safely in a stable, secure place where all of their needs are met, without resentment and disrupted schedules, and with the love and devotion of, ideally, two parents who are ready to meet the day to day demands of a newborn. I am a single parent, and I am not saying that single parents can't parent well. They most definitely can. But even for those of us who do it, it's not ideal. So, we shouldn't, as a society, glamorize teen pregnancy. It's not easy and it's not fair to teen moms. I've heard parents of pregnant teens say things like "You made your bed, now you have to lie in it"...meaning that somehow going it alone is the punishment for getting pregnant in the first place. Parenting should not be a punishment. It is the hardest thing anyone will ever do, and to put that responsibility on a teen girl is asking way too much, even if she thinks it's what she wants. We need to teach our teens how to act responsibly and how to protect themselves and their education from going down a path that will be hard on them and their children. No decisions should be forced on anyone, but all options should be explored and offered. Let's not glamorize pregnancy and childbirth for children.

Go Ahead - Ask Santa

2009-12-17T22:08:00.000-08:00

Some of you may be old enough to remember the Art Linkletter Show back in the 60's. Okay, so that definitely dates me, but one of the funniest portions of the show was always the segment entitled "Kids say the darnedest things". Children would be asked leading questions and, inevitably, would say something no one expected. I was reminded of that show when my friend, Amy, spoke with me today. Her son, Micheal, who is two, made his first "real" visit to Santa. Anxious to tell Santa exactly what he wanted, Michael climbed eagerly up on Santa's lap. A more cherubic baby you'll never see -- Michael has a head full of beautiful brown curls and pink rosy cheeks. He's a happy boy who is constantly smiling and on the go. When asked by Santa what he wanted, he looked to his mother. Amy whispered, "Tell Santa that you want a truck" and as an afterthought she said, "And peace on earth". Michael looked up and said, "I want a truck -- and pizza on earth!". Needless to say, Santa got quite a kick out of that. Amy laughed as she told me and then we thought about it. Pizza on earth...he might be onto something there. If everyone had pizza, there might just be peace. Kids say the darnedest things.

Pearl Harbor & The Christmas Spirit

2009-12-07T14:19:00.000-08:00

Today is December 7th - Pearl Harbor Day. I was lucky enough to be able to go to Pearl Harbor some 25 years ago and I toured the Memorial on the USS Arizona, along with the Harbor. It was a very somber visit and I will always remember it. It seems a little surreal to stand just over the sunken battleship and look out over the water to the break in the hills where the Japanese bombers flew in without warning. I brought my father home a flag that had been flown for a day over the memorial. He enlisted, like many young men of that time, because of what happened at Pearl. He and his three brothers each chose a different branch of the service and they went together to enlist in the Army, Navy, Air Force, and Marines. My Dad was the Marine (Semper Fi, Dad). Because today is the anniversary of Pearl Harbor and because it's nearly Christmas, I think this poem is a poignant reminder and remembrance of who protects us while we live our lives. I don't know the author of this poem and would love to give them credit, so if you know, please share.

A Different Christmas Poem

The embers glowed softly, and in their dim light,
I gazed round the room and I cherished the sight.
My wife was asleep, her head on my chest,
My child beside me, angelic in rest.
Outside the snow fell, a blanket of white,
Transforming the yard to a winter delight.

The sparkling lights in the tree I believe,
Completed the magic that was Christmas Eve.
My eyelids were heavy, my breathing was deep,
Secure and surrounded by love I would sleep.
In perfect contentment, or so it would seem,
So I slumbered, perhaps, I started to dream.

The sound wasn't loud, and it wasn't too near,
But I opened my eyes when it tickled my ear.
Perhaps just a cough, I didn't quite know,
Then the sure sound of footsteps outside in the snow.
My soul gave a tremble, I struggled to hear,
And I crept to the door just to see who was near.

Standing out in the cold and the dark of the night,
A lone figure stood, his face weary and tight.
A soldier, I puzzled, some twenty years old,
Perhaps a Marine, huddled there in the cold.
Alone in the dark, he looked up and smiled,
Standing watch over me, and my wife and my child.

"What are you doing?" I asked without fear,
"Come in this moment, It's freezing out here!
Put down your pack, brush the snow from your sleeve.
You should be at home on a cold Christmas Eve!"
For barely a moment I saw his eyes shift,
Away from the cold and the snow blown in drifts.

To the window that danced with a warm fire's light
Then he sighed and he said "It's really all right,
I'm out here by choice. I'm here every night.
It's my duty to stand at the front of the line,
That separates you from the darkest of times.

No one had to ask or beg or implore me,
I'm proud to stand here like my fathers before me.
My Gramps died at Pearl on a day in December,"
Then he sighed, "That's a Christmas 'Gram always remembers."
"My dad stood his watch in the jungles of 'Nam',
And now it is my turn and so, here I am.

I've not seen my own son in more than a while,
But my wife sends me pictures...He's sure got her smile."
Then he bent and he carefully pulled from his bag,
The red, white, and blue -- an American flag.
"I can live through the cold and the being alone,
Away from my family, my house and my home.

I can stand at my post through the rain and the sleet,
I can sleep in a foxhole with little to eat.
I can carry the weight of killing another,
Or lay down my life with my sister and brother,
Who stand at the front against any and all,
To ensure for all time that this flag will not fall."

"So go back inside," he said, "Harbor no fright.
Your family is waiting and I'll be all right."
"But isn't there something I can do, at the least,
Give you money?," I asked, "Or prepare you a feast?
It seems all too little for all that you've done,
For being away from your wife and your son."

In his eye welled a tear that held no regret,
"Just tell us you love us, and never forget.
To fight for our rights back at home while we're gone,
To stand your own watch, no matter how long.
For when we come home, either standing or dead,
To know you remember we fought and we bled.
Is payment enough, and with that we will trust,
That we mattered to you as you mattered to us."

Many communities have programs that enable families to "adopt" a soldier during the holidays, so they have a place to hang out and have Christmas dinner. If you live near a military base, inquire to find out about those programs. Otherwise, think about sending a care package through a reputable charity to our servicemen and women overseas for the holidays so that they know that they do matter to us.

Women's Intuition

2009-11-30T12:12:00.000-08:00

Over the Thanksgiving holiday I found myself at the bookstore having a quiet cup of coffee with my fiance, Joseph. Although I love it, it's been a while since I allowed myself the time to wander through aisles of books and just browse for a while. I came across a book I had read, but forgot about, since I tend to loan books to friends (and sometimes never see them again as they make the rounds). "To Die For" by Kathy Braidhill is a true story which details the crimes of Dana Sue Gray, the first female serial killer convicted in the history of Riverside County, California. I read it a few years ago. It is set in Southwest Riverside County, where I live. It was interesting to read a true story that detailed settings in areas with which I am familiar. It seems a little surreal when you are reading about places you have visited or roads you travel daily, knowing that the person (the murderer) being discussed has visited those same places.

Dana Sue Gray was a nurse. She worked in the post-partum unit of a local hospital. To think of someone taking care of post-partum mothers and newborns and then going out and murdering people is hard to grasp. The fact is, she was discharged from her job, presumably for issues with drugs that were missing from the unit, so there was obviously an underlying problem that perhaps caused her to lose her way and her perspective.

Women have intuition. When I meet someone, I generally have a "gut feeling" about them and I instantly know how I feel about them. I pretty much like everyone and can identify their strengths and qualities. When I worked at Inland Valley Regional Medical Center on the OB unit, I enjoyed my job and had many friends who were nurses. One day, I was introduced to a new nurse. I had a reaction like none I've ever had before. I instantly disliked her. I felt guilty about that at the time. Our nurse manager and I discussed it and she wondered why I felt that way because she liked her. I couldn't explain it, but I asked not to be scheduled to work with this nurse and most of the time I wasn't. When it was necessary to work with her, I avoided her. Her name was Dana Sue Gray. Years later, when I would learn what happened, I remembered my feelings about her. Dana and I shared a workplace and even some friends, but I could never bring myself to like her or even to fake it. When I read this book I realized that we, as women, should never question our intuition. It's there for a reason and it didn't fail me.

Stroller Recall

2009-11-09T11:12:00.000-08:00

One million strollers are being recalled by stroller manufacturer Maclaren after many accidents involving a hinge on the side of the stroller. The hinge closes when the child is being put into the stroller or grasps that particular area, and amputates the end of a finger. The strollers were manufactured from 1999 to the present. If you have a stroller by this manufacturer, you should stop using it immediately. If it is a recent purchase, you can return it to the store. Otherwise, contact the Maclaren directly and you will be sent a repair kit.

This is a good time to talk about the purchase of baby items like cribs, strollers, high chairs, etc. We all end up with a few hand me downs, and some of us enjoy finding bargains at flea markets or yard sales. With items like this you have to be very careful that you are not obtaining and item that his been previously recalled or is no longer in good working order. This is a safety issue and very important to remember when you are outfitting your nursery. It may be best to purchase larger items new, so that you get the recall information as soon as possible and you have the ability to return them if there is something wrong.

Birth - An Out Of Body Experience

2009-11-07T15:29:00.000-08:00

The last couple of weeks have been busy ones. Usually in life, and in adoption particularly, it seems that the boys generally outnumber the girls, but it's been a good week and we've had two girls born and another one should make her appearance on Thursday this week. We're happy to have any baby God has in store for us, but girls are hard to find for adoptive parents who have a preference, so we're happy we have a few new baby girls in the world. Ironically, those parents who have a preference for baby girls outnumber the parents who have a preference for baby boys. Of course, plenty of adoptive parents don't have a preference, so there is a good match for everyone out there.

Many adoption professionals don't work with families who have a preference, perhaps feeling that if you give birth, you can't choose. However, we feel that as long as a family is willing to take a chance that the sonogram might be wrong and go with flow, we'll work with families who have a gender preference. Most families want a particular gender because they already have one (or more) of the opposite gender. It's understandable that families want the gender they don't have, and with adoptive parents who have been through so much with infertility treatments and perhaps failed pregnancies, it seems only fair that they have an advantage somewhere. It's just important that they know that gender selection can take much longer, since only a small percentage of birth moms are going to know the gender before they match.

This year, there has been a strange phenomena. We've had a few birth moms give birth at home on the floor or in their bed, and not on purpose. It can be very risky when this happens. In one situation, there was a cord looped around the baby's neck -- a very dangerous situation for those who haven't been trained in childbirth and infant resuscitation. This last week, a birth mom in Michigan was at home and everything was perfectly normal. She didn't have labor pains, just a sudden urge to push. Out popped a baby girl and birth mom was alone and had to cut her own cord and call for paramedics. I can't help but think that had to be traumatic with no one there to help, but baby and birth mom are fine.

Of course when babies are born at home without the benefit of a nurse or midwife, there is a greater chance of infection or sepsis, so antibiotics are generally administered in order to keep the infant healthy and stave off infection. Most women who have given birth probably can't imagine this scenario because with first babies, it's not unusual for the pushing alone to take a couple of hours. Average first labors can last around 12 hours.

So, Brian and Bridgette, congratulations and welcome baby Haley! I have a feeling that you may be dealing with a little girl who will get where she wants to go in a hurry. Put on your running shoes! We can't wait to meet her.

Oh Happy Day!

2009-10-29T15:57:00.000-07:00

The tears are flowing today. It has been the best day in a long time. My friend, Katie, has a beautiful new baby in her arms. Happy Birthday, Mia! All is well there, so I am very thankful for that. Additionally, my wonderful fiance, Joseph, had good news as well. He passed his written board exams for radiology. Such a major accomplishment and such a major stressor, all at the same time. But, God is good and we are on cloud 9. I wish there were a way to transport myself to both South Carolina and Texas. I have hugs to spare right now.

2009-10-28T12:36:00.000-07:00

For the past ten years or so, my nomination for Mother of the Year has always been the same. Katie is the adoption world's answer to The Duggers (18 kids and counting)! Her mission in life has been to provide a home to children in crisis or kids who didn't have another hope for being adopted into a family. She has adopted several older sibling groups of three or four kids at a time. We all know how much fun teens and pre-teens are to parent! She took on that task times six when she began her adoption journey with two sibling groups who were just about to enter their teens. Being a first time mom to a half dozen kids in transition while still trying to get to know and love them is not for the faint of heart. Katie took it all in stride and with a sense of humor.

Later on, she adopted a set of triplets and their sister, again pre-teens. I'm sure plenty of people have used the word "crazy" to describe this woman of faith and courage! She is crazy. She's crazy for kids and for the work God has given her. She has had her share of heartbreak, including a few adoption failures. She had a baby girl for four months who had to be returned to the birth mother. In her heart, she's still the Mom of that baby. She had a young sibling group of three fall through later on. She waited a very long time before being able to rescue three of her boys from foster care. She was able to adopt one premature newborn who was so fragile, people were scared to pick him up or care for him. This is Katie's life. How she does it is a mystery to this mom of three. I can't imagine how she gets everyone in line and where they are supposed to be on time and without pulling her hair out. Each child has his or her own interests and talents and those are nurtured. There is a system for everything (I won't even talk about laundry for that many people!).

Katie has been through unbelievable trials and tribulations. With older kids coming out of foster care, she has dealt with abuse and neglect of every kind imaginable. She has taken these kids with broken lives and given them a sense of security, a place to call home, an education, and more than anything else, love. Her husband, Dale, is no slouch either! Dale has to be a saint. If not, he will be! He is kind and patient and supportive and knows that when God talks, Katie listens and he's there to help.

Tomorrow, Katie and Dale will be headed out to South Carolina for a very special birth. They will be adopting their 15th child (the older ones are out of the house!). October 29 will be baby Mia's birthday. I was speaking with Katie today and she talked about the excitement of having a newborn baby after missing out on the baby and toddler stages with her older kids. She can't wait. She cried when she told me how God put this child in her heart and that, despite having many children, she is not done and she knows she needs to be the mother of this little one. Katie has always told me that she wants the children that need her most. It doesn't matter about past history, age, or race. She just wants to be there for the ones who need her. She went on to say that her birth mother has nothing and she wants to help, but can't due to restrictions in PA about support or gifts of any kind to the birth mother. It breaks her heart to know that her birth mother is living in a house with no heat and no furniture.

I have yet to figure out how from 3,000 miles away, but I want to do two things. I want to give Katie the first baby shower she has ever had. I also want to find a way to provide some assistance and gift cards for her birth mother, who has two children, ages 3 and 14 months. She's just trying to find a way to take care of her kids and provide for them at Christmas, and she hasn't asked for a thing. When Katie offered to bring a used toddler bed for her, she profusely thanked her four times saying, "It's a blessing. I don't have anything." If anyone wants to help, please let me know. If you have any ideas, send them my way. If anyone deserves a baby shower and anything we can do for her, it's Katie. I feel privileged to know her and call her friend. She is quite an inspiration.

MISSING CHILD ALERT!

2009-10-15T21:10:00.000-07:00

On the heels of my last blog article about a mom taking care of neighborhood girls while they waited in the early morning for their school bus, in our own own backyard a child has gone missing. The Lake Elsinore Unified School District notified parents twice last week of a suspect who was annoying girls as they walked to and from school. We received another notification today about an additional complaint this week. The girls escaped and notified authorities. Yesterday, an 11 year old girl went missing after school. Jacqueline Miller was not around when her mother went to her school to pick her up yesterday. She attended all of her classes and the school was on a minimum day and let out early. When her mother arrived later, she was no where to be found. Today is her birthday and she would not have wanted to miss the celebration. A search of the area did not reveal any trace of her and bloodhounds were unable to track her scent. Authorities are concerned that she might have been taken into a vehicle.

If you live in Southern California, please go to WildomarVoice.com and look at the pictures of the suspected predator and also of Jacqueline Loraine Miller. The suspect is driving a black four-door VW Passat or Jetta sedan. All of the victims have described him as a Caucasian man, 160-170 lbs., 5'8" to 5'10" with a stocky build. His hair color is brown, eyes unknown, but the flyer pictures him with blue eyes. Please contact the Wildomar Police Department at 951-245-3300 or Riverside County Sheriff's Dispatch at 800-950-2444 if you have any information on the suspect or the missing child. It really does take a village and it's time we all took a stand to protect our children.

It Takes A Village

2009-09-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

A raspberry to the Michigan Department of Human Services for their inappropriate misuse of the law in the case a Michigan Mom who has stepped in to help with neighborhood children. Lisa Snyder lives in Irving Township, Michigan, and has a bus stop in front of her home. Three neighbor girls, whose parents have to leave early for work, stop in and hang out at Lisa's home with her daughter, Grace, while waiting for the bus to arrive in the morning. Lisa doesn't charge the other families, and shouldn't be required to license as a child care provider in order to let them play at her house while they wait. After all, it takes a village. She recently received a letter from Michigan DHS warning her that if she continued to allow the girls to be at her home before school, she would be in violation of a state law aimed at operators of unlicensed day care centers. The State of Michigan Department of Human Services apparently has nothing better to do than patrol neighborhoods looking for errant Moms doing favors so that other Moms can go to work. Interesting. Perhaps the State officials would prefer these kids stayed at home alone, unsupervised, or alone on the street while they await the bus each morning. What about in Winter? Do they stand out in the snow freezing because their parents had to leave 20 minutes earlier than they do? Just being a good neighbor has put Lisa Snyder into a situation of considering the law versus common sense. In this case, common sense does not apply to the law. The state legislature is now aware of how ridiculous the law and its enforcement has become, so perhaps they will change it. Hopefully Governor Jennifer Granholm will insist on some changes so that neighbors can help neighbors without fear of "big brother" interfering. If so, maybe this will enable the state licensing officials to find some real violators.

Updates

2009-09-28T10:36:00.000-07:00

I can hardly believe it's the end of September. I lost most of the month while ill with mono, which is no picnic. I came to understand that we take for granted the energy we wake up with every day! I am just now getting back to normal after six weeks of lethargy and exhaustion like I've never known. I'm just glad that I've begun to feel like I can put one foot in front of the other again! Thanks to all the Rotary and Elks friends who came to my rescue at the meeting in August. I also appreciate all of the cards, e-mails, and phone calls of good wishes.

Say a prayer for Zama and Sizakele today. (I'll post a picture of them). Baby Zama is having her surgery to release the scar contractures. She is a beautiful, spunky little girl who has gone through a lot. She'll be going back to Swaziland in October and we're all hoping that this surgery is the final one she'll need.

Holly had a few days off last week on vacation and she went to meet her birth father for the first time. They met up in Las Vegas and had a great time. Apparently, some of the similarities were evident, even in Holly's kids. It was an exciting time for her and she's now met both of her birth parents, who were teens when she was placed for adoption. More news on that meeting later once Holly can share her story.

Congratulations to Eric and Julie on their recent match. We're crossing our fingers that everything will go well. Super-parents Katie and Dale...baby #15 is on the way. After four boys, it will be fun to have a girl! Ten little monkeys jumping on the bed...