Racism In Adoption

Today I want to share an article from a guest blogger, Jen Lane, who is both a biological and adoptive parent.  She has adopted trans-racially and shares a unique perception about racism as it relates to adoption.  I think Jen is insightful and knowledgeable in sharing her story.

"It wasn't until I brought home our most precious African American child five years ago, I realized...although slavery was abolished in 1863....racism still exists.

At the time, I lived in a city of over 100,000 people. I had been around diversity all my life. My best friend in elementary school was African American.  My brothers best friends -- Indian. My best friend in High School -- Mexican. My entire life I have shared friendships with diverse people; Korean, Vietnamese, those of middle eastern decent, and many others.   

My husband of nearly twenty years is Peruvian.  And although I have blond hair, green eyes, and am from Norwegian decent, I never really witnessed many issues concerning ethnicity.  Our biological children, who are bi-racial, were completely undaunted that they were a blend of two races while growing. If anything, they are now proud of their diversity.


But for some reason, it all changed when this fair-skinned mom in her 30's started carrying around our African American adopted daughter.


Looking at the contrast between my daughter and I, even the most ignorant stranger could conclude that I was not her biological mother.  We are about as opposite in color as any two people could be.  But yet, that didn't seem to matter.  The attacks began from complete strangers:  

• Condemning looks.
• Rolling eyes.
• People scanning me up and down with a half upturned lip. 
• Clear disgust.  Rude whispers. Comments.
• Others standing over me, body hovering, trying to look (literally) down on me.
• People staring me in my eyes the entire time I passed, without even a hint of a smile, as if to inflict some kind of shame or condemnation. 
• But, the worst?  The invisible look. From afar, people would see me, but then as I approached, they would turn their heads up and away, brushing past me as if we did not exist.

At first, I was completely dumbfounded. I had been friendly, outgoing, quick to smile and engage in random conversations with strangers all my life.  But now, I was no less than shocked and devastated.  And to be honest, many days I would come home and sit in a heap and just weep at the cruelty of people.  I just couldn't understand it. 


But then, I started noticing patterns.

• Older people seemed much more bothered by our diversity than younger people.
• Men almost always ignored me or glared...especially older men.  Women not as much.
• African-American women were always friendly; smiling, stopping to chat, or just plain helpful.
• In a major metropolitan city nearby, I rarely had issues.
• In the small nearby farm towns, I almost always received degrading looks or comments.
• How I dressed made a difference.
• How I responded mattered.

And I began to realize...

• People were being rude because it empowered them to feel entitled to make judgments.
• Women who have biological children outside of their own race have to deal with this kind of condemnation everyday.
• It was not just me they were condemning, but the color of the skin of my adopted child.
• My daughter, sadly, will likely have to deal with people's bias, condemnation, judgments, & racism her entire life.
• God did not give us a spirit of fear or intimidation..but one of power, love, and a sound mind.
• My daughter was watching my response and would likely grow up to pattern how I interacted with strangers.
• My job is to protect and defend my daughter.  I needed to model maturity, confidence, and faith.
• Again....How I respond mattered.

The biggest, most drastic thing that somehow shifted in me, was my thinking.  Instead of getting defensive, depressed, or angry...I started to love and pray and seek God's counsel.  He seemed to show me the hearts of my accusers and how low of self-worth they must have to want and need to play Messiah on behalf of me and my family. I began to ache for them, want to help them, and love them with a love beyond anything within myself.


I also knew that our daughter was and is a testimony. Our family was no accident and was put together by the hand of God. And God calls us to be confident in the things He calls us to do - in all things bringing glory to Him. 


At first, I started dressing up more.  For some reason, nicely dressed people are perceived more as adoptive parents.  But then, I realized I can't be on defense...I must play offense...So...

• Instead of walking with my head held down, I started standing straight, tall.
• Instead of looking at the floor...I now keep my eyes up, vibrant, alive, engaging.
• When people pass, I always smile; looking people straight in the eyes with love and acceptance.
• If people seem to be curious as to our contrast, I engage in casual conversation opening up doors of communication and understanding.
• Whenever possible, I share our testimony of adoption with hopes to plant seeds, inspire, and advocate for the orphan.
• I stop when little kids stand and stare or touch my daughters skin, and talk to them about diversity and color. (Yes, even if the parents are present and especially if the parents display rejection of my daughter)
• I see every opportunity as a chance to educate, and take it.
• I try to love people and smile even more when they are rude or accusatory or just plain mean.  Even though they still glare as I pass, I keep smiling and walking with my head held high and proud of our family.  Love conquers all sin.
• I teach my daughter about the differences of color, race...the beauty of all of God's creation.
• I tell my daughter daily just how beautiful she is and that she is a princess of the Most High God. 
• I teach my daughter to never walk condemned, looking at the ground. And instead advise her to keep her head held high, looking people straight in the eyes, and answer others respectfully in a strong, confident, self-assured voice.

The onslaught of negative responses I received after adopting our African American child, I would have never expected before adopting. But, now I see that adopting trans-racially is no less than a valuable gift -- a walking billboard, if you will, that opens doors to advocate for adoption.  It has a way of impacting thousands in our lifetime to a population that may not otherwise hear about how God can open homes and hearts to seeking families and, thus, fill hearts.  I cannot say just how many times I have conversations with people "thinking" about adoption.  Then, when they see our family or talk to us about the joys of adoption it becomes a confirmation to what God had been prompting them to do. 


Trans-racial families are unique in that they are...

• Testaments to the diversity and beauty of His creation.
• An opportunity to demonstrate to the world His unconditional love.
• A chance to share about diversity and adoption.
• Walking poster boards of what love can do.

One day we will know just how many kids have been saved and brought into forever homes because our determination to use our family as a way to open doors to conversations about adoption.  Each day we are thankful for the way He has created our family into such a beautiful palette of color for His splendor.  And I know, without a doubt, that if I had to do it all over again, we wouldn't change a thing."

Visit Jen's blog site at http://richfaithrising.blogspot.com/

And thank you, Jen, for opening some eyes, and perhaps hearts, today.

Majority or Minority?

The most recent census data has taught us a number of things about our country.  In African-American homes, single mothers are now more common than married, two-parent households.  Social order in America is changing.  Two-parent married couples are no longer the norm for a lot of children, particularly those we have considered minority in the past.  In the 2010 census, 12 states and the District of Columbia, the population of Caucasian children fell below 50%.  Seven more states will soon flip as well.  In older Americans, the population of Caucasian seniors ranges from 73% of those aged 45-64 (baby boom generation) to 80% of those over age 65 being Caucasian.  Minority births are changing the demographics of the whole country.  Multigenerational households are most common among Hispanics, where 1 out of 10 households include multiple generations.  Same sex unmarried couples represent 1 out of 10 households where unmarried partners reside.  There is a substantial decline in the traditional family of the past.

What does this mean for adoption?  It means that as our population changes and Caucasian families become the minority, there will be more African American, Asian, and Hispanic children for adoption than Caucasian children.  In black and Hispanic cultures, female heads of household make up nearly 1/4 of all homes, whereas in Caucasian and Asian households, 9% are headed by females. Currently, the overwhelming majority of those wishing to adopt are Caucasian.  Because of the current trends, that means that there will be more trans-racial adoptions in the future.  While it has often been maintained that the best home for a child is within it's own race, that "ideal" has become impossible to achieve as the dynamics change.  Many trans-racial families are doing quite well, as racial acceptance is more common now than 50 years ago.  Presumably, we will continue to erase racial barriers over time.  For adoptive families, this means thinking about opening up to additional racial possibilities for your family as an option to waiting longer periods of time.

Adopt without Debt

I haven't yet read this book, but I will.  It's intriguing to say the least.  Adoptive families have long struggled with the cost of adoption and, even though there is a refund later, gathering the funds to pay for the home study, advertising, agency, and attorney fees can be quite overwhelming.  I would love to hear your comments if you've read this book, and also your suggestions about how you raised money for your adoption.  One soon to be grandpa made some wonderful candy confections and sold them to raise money over Christmas.  He helped his family to expand.  Another family over at our agency in Missouri held a tattoo fundraiser.  The tattoo artists donated their time to do small tattoos for free for anyone who wanted them.  They were asked to make a donation of any amount to the adoptive family for their expenses.  I have seen families set up a website and ask their friends and family to donate to their adoption fund in lieu of birthday or Christmas gifts.  People are getting creative!  Let us know how you found ways to fund your adoption.  If you'd like to order this book, click the Amazon link to the right.