Friday, February 27, 2009

Bonding and Adoption

I am often asked by soon-to-be first time adoptive parents, "How do we know if we'll be able to bond with our new baby?". I smile at that because I have yet to meet the parents, adoptive or biological, who didn't fall hopelessly in love with their newborn. It's quite a sight to see those tough guy dads going to mush over their new little one. However, they pose a good question. I wouldn't worry too much about whether you'll bond -- you will. But you can do things that will enable you to feel closer to baby and, thus, build a strong bond in a short period of time.

Touch is very important when bonding. There are plenty of ways you can facilitate touch. First, keep in mind that your baby won't break. Some new parents are afraid to move baby's arms and legs around. Remember that your baby was a pretzel just a few days earlier in the womb and is very flexible. It's important to support the neck and head, but you can move and bend arms and legs. A baby is designed to feed at the breast. So, at night when you are feeding your child, get some skin to skin contact by taking off your shirt and letting baby rest against your skin while you feed the bottle. This will soothe your baby and enable him or her to hear your heart, a familiar sound. After you bathe your baby, take a little time and massage your baby with baby lotion. That will relax the baby and he or she will take comfort in your touch. Snuggle time is important, so take the time to lie down with baby and just enjoy the time together.

Another bonding tip is eye contact. Your baby will soon follow you with his or her eyes and when you make eye contact, you'll find that your child is able to recognize you and will soon smile and follow you with his or her eyes when you move about the room.

Sing to your baby and talk softly. This will get them used to your voice and before you know it, they will recognize your voice and turn their head your way, even if several people are speaking. Even changing diapers and comforting a sick baby can be a bonding experience. There is a need and you are there to meet it. I have a theory. Once your baby has spit up on you, peed on you, and pooped on you, you have exchanged enough DNA to be related :).

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

New Beginnings

The last week has been a busy one. I spent almost the whole week on a complex adoption, but there is little pot of gold at the end of that rainbow! Baby Matthew James is doing beautifully and he'll be going home soon with Dad Eddie and Mom Joanne. It's been late nights all week because we're packing to move the office. After six years at the same location, we're moving a few miles south to a brand new office. I think it will be a great move, although who likes moving? It's a good time to sort and weed out the things you don't want to haul into the moving trucks, but a lot of work! The accumulation of the past six years is nothing short of amazing. We've grown in that time and so much has changed, and yet remained the same. Tomorrow we'll be putting in carpet and getting phone lines working. Friday we'll start the move and by Saturday, it will be complete. Well, all except for the unpacking! Monday is another week. If anyone tries to reach us from Friday to Monday, they might get a message rather than a live voice. We're not sure how long the phones will actually be down, but it shouldn't be too long and we'll be checking messages frequently. Bring on the moving trucks!

Now, everyone is asking me to talk about the octuplets born in Whittier, CA, (which, incidentally, just happens to be my home town). "Octomom" is the new term being given to Nadya, the baby's mother. The mere survival of eight babies is quite amazing in itself. If they turn out to be healthy, it will be nothing short of a miracle. Many internet websites have been created with the specific intent of venting about how a person could have 14 children in a short period of time despite the lack of income and resources. The cost of the birth and care of eight extremely premature infants is more than any of us want to imagine. Of course, we're paying for it with our taxes whether we want to or not. While I agree that it wasn't a wise choice on her part, I have a bigger issue with the physician who allegedly implanted six eggs. You can always count on some people being irresponsible in their decision making, but when participation of a physician is required, you might imagine that the doctor would put the kabosh on the idea of more than two eggs being implanted at once (the medical standard for women her age). Why a physician would risk a career and bring a medical investigation upon himself is something that is hard to imagine. She must be quite a persuasive woman. I believe this "fertility expert" has crossed the line.

Attention is a big motivator. The money that comes with that attention is an even bigger motivator. It's easy to see how a disturbed person would try to find a place in the spotlight. I'm sure the book and movie deals are sure to follow. So in just a matter of months, this woman goes from welfare mom of six, who is admittedly living on student grants and loans, to rich celebrity status with appearances on Oprah and Dr. Phil, who must be about to lose his lunch over this one. I'll leave the psychoanalysis to Dr. Phil, but it doesn't take a psychiatrist to realize that this woman has stepped off a very steep cliff. It may take her a while to make the jump back to reality, but in the meantime what happens to these babies? I certainly hope that the notariety Nadya seeks has brought some attention to the plight of these children. Some of them will likely have special needs. She already has an autistic child at home. I wonder if she has a plan or if she's just making it up as she goes along. I'm sure that we'll hear more about this story, perhaps for the entire lives of these children, who are unwitting stars of a very bizarre new "Truman" show. Life is not fair. These children may learn this lesson at a very early stage. I hope everyone involved in this very sad situation is held accountable and that somehow the children are allowed to flourish.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

First Baby

Well, it was a long wait, but we finally have our first baby of the New Year. It's a GIRL! Baby Stella Mae was born today, February 11, and weighed in at a whopping 8 lbs. 4 oz. She was 20 1/2 inches long and was born after a very short labor. Birth mom is doing well and adoptive parents, Chad and Rachel are on currently on Cloud Nine! She took a while to get here, but Chad and Rachel say she was worth waiting for! With several more deliveries on tap this month, it was anyone's guess who would come first, but we think Stella may be trying to tell us something. It may be a girl year! Boys outnumbered girls for the past three years, so the girls have a little catching up to do. Congratulations Chad and Rachel. Today there was something to smile about :). We'll check back with you for an update after you're sufficiently sleep deprived!

Monday, February 9, 2009

Tax-payer Funded Abortion

A report published November 25th by the Obama-Biden transition team entitled "Advancing Reproductive Rights and Health in a New Administration" details specific funding proposals for the future of sex education and abortion in America. Among the agencies and groups requesting enormous amounts of money from our government for abortion, contraception, and "reproductive rights" are a coalition of groups such as Planned Parenthood, Choice USA and the ACLU. These groups have submitted a 55 page document to the President with their "wish list". This bail-out includes $1 Billion in taxpayer funding for international family planning programs, $700 Million for Title X health clinics, and $65 Million for the UNFPA, an international organization which has been connected to forced abortion in China. It also seeks to repeal the Hyde Amendment, which will effectively increase taxpayer funding for abortions, including abortion coverage in any taxpayer subsidized national health care program. Americans will be paying for abortions on military bases, in the Peace Corps, and for prisoners.

I'm not sure where moral conscience comes in -- or if it does. Aside from that, the proponents of this document have lost touch with economic reality. In times when important programs, education, and jobs are being cut, why would our government spend more to pay for abortion, which is controversial to say the least? Personally, I would rather see my tax dollars going toward education so that abortion won't be an issue. I would rather see my tax dollars being spent on health care and pre-natal care for those who are pregnant, whether they want to parent or place their children for adoption. I don't want my tax dollars being spent to end a life -- any life.

Please write to your congressmen and women (I have) and let them know that you don't want your tax dollars spent on abortion and "family planning", especially in this economically challenging time, but rather on education and other worthwhile programs. These plans could easily be pushed through congress without the American public even knowing what they are paying for when they pay their taxes. If our representatives in congress get enough letters, they will bring this to the attention of the President. I'm not sure it will do any good in this pro-abortion administration, but if we know what is happening and we stand idly by and watch without intervention, then we are advocating the killing of innocents and we are contributing a portion of the money used to support such barbaric acts. If our efforts save a single life, then it will be worth the efforts. There are no unwanted babies. We have homes waiting for them. President Obama apparently doesn't know this.

Friday, February 6, 2009

Breast Feeding the Adopted Child

I am asked on a fairly regular basis whether an adopted child can be breast fed. The short answer is "Yes". The long answer is more complex. If an adoptive mother has lactated before, then it's easier to bring in breast milk. If she has not previously lactated, it's a bit more complex. Mothers are encouraged by physicians to breast feed their infants for a number of reasons. Immunities and health are affected by breast feeding. A mother passes her immunities on to her child through the breast milk. Breast milk contains less fat and is healthier for a child than processed formulas or cows' milk. Babies have less allergies to breast milk than to milk-based formulas or cows' milk.

Breast feeding is a bonding experience and some adoptive mothers feel as if it will bring them closer to their infant. The whole process of holding an infant closely and gazing into their eyes while they are being fed simulates the breast experience. Even when bottle feeding, while the child is very young you can give them skin to skin contact and bond. If you do decide you'd like to try breast feeding, you may need some assistance. La Leche League (www.llli.org) is an organization which promotes and provides information and assistance with breast feeding. The nursery at the hospital where your child is born may have a lactation specialist who can also give you assistance. You will need patience and determination to get the process going, but once your milk comes in, it will become a much smoother process.

How is it possible to produce breast milk when you haven't given birth? The body is an amazing thing. If an infant is constantly suckling, a signal will be sent to the brain and the body will begin to produce milk for that infant. There are ways to get prepared. The first step is to toughen up the nipples a little...using a towel after showering, you briskly towel dry the nipples and work up to a more vigorous stimulation. Breast feeding can, at first, be a little painful and if you aren't lactating naturally, it can be more of a challenge. If you can work through it, you can breast feed an adopted infant.

How do you begin the breastfeeding process? Ideally, the process begins in the hospital. It's better not to even introduce a synthetic nipple if you are going to breast feed. It can still be done after an infant has taken a bottle, but then it becomes re-training. The hole in a synthetic nipple allows a child to get the milk without much effort. Even a weak suck will produce the desired result. Breast feeding requires more work and actually assists in developing the palate and there are studies that show it is better for linguistic development because the muscles of the mouth are being used and worked.

When milk production has to be stimulated (if you haven't given birth), how is that achieved? Suckling stimulates the milk glands, but if a baby gets no milk, they will stop suckling. So, the way this is achieved is to reward the baby with milk for suckling. This is done by taping a small feeding tube to the breast (over the shoulder and down) which is attached to a formula bottle. The baby is placed on the breast and suckles normally. He/she is sucking on the breast, with the small tube, enabling them to get nourishment. This is done every three hours at feedings and, while it is a production and can take some time, it stimulates the breasts to produce milk. Ideally, the breasts begin to produce and the tube and formula are discontinued.

Why doesn't everyone do this? It's not easy. Infants have a very strong sucking reflex. When the breasts are dry, this can be an uncomfortable process and some women can't tolerate it for long enough to get the process going and establish good milk flow. I have known several adoptive mothers who were successful at breast feeding their infants.

One word of caution. If you plan to do this in the hospital, the birth mother will need to know about it. Be sensitive when discussing this with her. In one case that I remember, an adoptive mother told the birth mother point blank that she was planning on breast feeding. The birth mother called me in tears to say that she didn't feel that was right and that if she couldn't breast feed her infant, it wasn't fair that the adoptive mother could. Of course, she was feeling hurt and left out and never expected to feel that way. It almost became a deal-breaker until the adoptive mom let her know that she never intended to usurp her position and that she wouldn't breast feed. If you intend to try breast feeding and you want to begin just after birth, ask the birth mother her opinion. You can bring it up by saying..."I've heard adoptive moms can breast feed. What do you think about that?"...and be as understanding as possible about her feelings. She may encourage you to go forward and she may say she's not comfortable with it. If she isn't, then either bottle feed or choose to begin the process away from the hospital after you get home. Then, she doesn't have to see that happening and confront her own feelings that she is being denied an opportunity that should have been hers. She is giving the ultimate gift, so this respect is a gift you can give her.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children - Also known as ICPC

When you finally get that all-important call and your baby is being born, it's likely that you'll be leaving your state and going to where the birth mother is giving birth. This is an exciting time! Once you get to the hospital, you will be bonding with baby and spending time with birth mom while she is in the hospital. Once everyone is discharged, you will take the baby to a hotel and wait. After the birth mother has left the hospital, she will meet with an attorney or social worker and sign her relinquishment documents. In some states, this must occur before a judge (requiring some scheduling). This may take a couple of days. Once the documents are signed, your legal representative (attorney or agency) will submit the ICPC paperwork along with your adoption documents and home study to the state ICPC office. This is usually done via fax or overnight mail and is quick. Once the office gets the documents, there are a number of factors that will determine how long it will take them to give approval. Nothing will happen on weekends. In addition, they may (or may not) have a heavy caseload. ICPC officials are usually as prompt as possible in getting to your paperwork and will review it as soon as they can. Once reviewed, if they have questions or concerns, those will be addressed, and then the approval will usually happen within a short period of time. Once you get approval from the "sending" state, where the baby was born, your own "receiving" state, or home state, will also have to review the documents and approve. Again faxing or overnighting the paperwork is generally the method used to expedite things and within 48-72 hours, your own state will likely approve the documents (which have already been approved by the sending state and are merely reviewed).

The total wait time for ICPC could be anywhere from 4 or 5 working days to a couple of weeks, depending upon where weekends and holidays fall, and how many cases are being handled by the state office at that time. This is a time when families get anxious to go home and want to speed things up. While this is understandable, it's not a good idea to try to call the ICPC office yourself, have relatives call, or call your local congressman or senator to intervene on your behalf. This may do more harm than good. There is generally a limited number of staff in the ICPC office (1-3) and they are working as hard as they can to get to everyone. It will only delay their ability to review cases (yours included) if you tie them up on phone calls explaining why they haven't been able to get to your case before.

Once you are cleared to go home, your attorney or agency will call you and let you know. You don't have to be confined to a hotel room in the meantime. You can explore your surroundings and do a little sightseeing or get out and have a nice dinner or lunch together. Remember that this is very valuable time with your newborn. It may be the only quiet alone-time you have to bond. After you get home, you'll have relatives and visitors coming and going and you may wish you had that time back. So, smell the roses (okay so diapers aren't so rosy!) and relax and enjoy the time you have with your newborn. Check out their parts, watch them sleep, photograph them and send e-mails with details! Soon, you'll be back at home and work and there will be no time to just enjoy quiet time gazing at your baby.

Monday, February 2, 2009

Home Study Anxiety

The biggest fear of adoptive parents may very well be the dreaded home study. Fear not! The home study process is more of a "people study". It is in place to make sure that those who shouldn't adopt a child won't be able to qualify. It's not a white glove test or a measure of your housekeeping skills. You will fill out yet another daunting amount of paperwork -- that is true. However, the rest is really not very daunting at all. You will meet with a friendly social worker who will speak with you about the reasons you have chosen to adopt, your home and family life, your financial status, any questions you may have about adoption and/or child care issues. The social worker is there to make sure your home is a safe place for a child and that the child will have qualified, loving parents.

You will be given fingerprint cards for a background check. You won't qualify if you are a registered sex offender. You won't qualify if you have been convicted for domestic violence or serious crime. If you had a small infraction or a DUI when you were 19, it's not likely that will affect your ability to adopt. If you had 4 DUI's and the most recent was last year, it will very much impact your ability to adopt. Most people will pass a home study with flying colors. I only recall a couple of times in my 15 year adoption career in which people have failed. One time, a gentleman was speaking with the social worker and she asked him privately, "Why do you want to adopt?". His answer was, "Oh, I don't really want another child...I'm just doing this for my wife". As you can imagine, their home study was not approved. In another case, someone believed they had something on their record that they didn't (previous divorce with an ex-partner claiming violent behavior). They were not immediately denied, but it had to be determined that this was, in fact, not an issue.

One important factor in going through your home study is truthfulness. If a social worker asks you specifically if you have a criminal history and you deny it and then something even minor pops up on your record, the social worker will find you suspicious. After you have an approved home study, if you are arrested or cited for anything at all, you must inform your social worker immediately. It won't look good if something like that comes up on your yearly background check and you haven't been honest and forthright with the information. If it appears that you are trying to hide something, your home study will be denied. Trust is a very important factor.

As long as you are honest and open with your social worker and you have no serious offenses on your record, your home study should be approved and you may then begin the process to adopt a child. The home study is a very important tool for the judge who will approve your adoption, as well as ICPC (Interstate Compact for the Placement of Children). When you are traveling between two states with a child for adoption, ICPC is necessary. Your attorney or agency will submit your home study and the adoption paperwork to the ICPC representative in the state in question so that you may receive approval to travel home with your new baby. You may not leave the state and go to another state for the purpose of adoption without having a completed home study. It's important to have your home study and clearances up to date (yearly), so that you will go through the ICPC process without any problems. Even if your own home state does not require a yearly update, it's important to do so because the state you may travel to in order to adopt your infant may have that rule. The home study is just a process that you must go through in order for the state to assure the safety of a child. When you look at it that way, it's an important process and well worth the effort. Your social worker may even become a good friend.